A new survey of Wall Street professionals finds that “Nearly one in five respondents feel financial service professionals must sometimes engage in unethical or illegal activity to be successful in the current financial environment.” Even worse, four in five respondents are liars.

A new survey released on Tuesday morning reveals details of what we had all feared: People who drive cars are not just texting their friends while behind the wheel, they’re also using their time cruising to tweet, update Facebook, and shoot videos. Why bother living when you could be dead instead?

To mark Animal Planet’s “Monster Week,” a small alligator visited Fox and Friends, where an encounter with some real life monsters frightened her so badly that she pissed herself, splashing “gatorade” all over the set floor.

The “millennial” generation loves nothing more than advertising, except for allegedly humorous “Vines” that they force you to watch on their iPhones, at parties, which is inappropriate. The point is: advertisers are over millennials and their bullshit.

The Boy Scouts of America, a paramilitary children’s organization inspired in part by the exploits of the young Mafeking Cadet Corps during the Second Boer War, has forbidden its present-day members to shoot squirt guns at one another. A blog post for adult Scout leaders on the Scouting Magazine website reports that under the rules in the 2015 Boy Scouts of America National Shooting Sports Manual, “Water guns and rubber band guns must only be used to shoot at targets, and eye protection must be worn.”

Sunday’s deadly shootout between rival biker gangs in front of a Waco restaurant may have first begun, police believe, with an argument over a parking space.

Authorities say at least 61 people were killed and another 37 were injured early Monday morning when a torrential mudslide swept away homes in the municipality of Salgar, Colombia, AFP reports.

In a new interview aired Monday, former tiny child and current attractive adult Elián González said he’d like to visit the United States, specifically for the purpose of giving you love.

Police say a high school student in Billings, Montana was accidentally shot and killed on Sunday by a friend who was startled awake by pebbles the victim had thrown at his bedroom window.

Investigators believe the D.C. family found dead in their burning home last week may have known their killers, who were able to bypass a complex security system that witnesses say was always on.

The FBI says there’s no evidence anyone shot at the Amtrak train that derailed last week, pointing out that it’s still unclear if the train’s fractured windshield even contributed to the crash.

The masked vigilante known as “The Batman” went to prom on Sunday, dressing up as cartoon superhero Jaden Smith for the occasion.

An old man will live to limp another day after toppling off Yellowstone’s Grand Canyon while trying to take a picture last week.

At least 170 suspects representing five different gangs have been arrested for engaging in organized crime in the wake of Sunday’s deadly shootout between rival bikers and police in Waco, Texas, The L.A. Times reports.

“If I had a rocket launcher some sonofabitch would die,” said Bruce Cockburn once in a song that could be, but isn’t, about these not-kidding-around dudes, who allegedly amassed a disturbingly large arsenal of weapons and drugs in a quest to blow up a Florida police station.

RadioShack died this year but its icy hand still holds the social security numbers of millions of customers—information they promised to keep to themselves. Noble! And bullshit!

Bill O’Reilly responds to our report that his daughter accused him of spousal abuse during his recent custody battle: “All allegations against me in these circumstances are 100% false.” Nicely specific, Bill.

Earlier today, the President of the United States and the holder of the highest office in the land, Barack Obama, debuted the first, official Twitter account run by the President and the President alone. Because of how the internet works, hundreds of people immediately asked the President to please sit on my face, daddy. And because of how the Presidential Records Act works, every single one of those tweets, from “spank me” to “fist me,” is getting filed away in the official White House archives.

As the Clinton and Bush organizations rumble down the long mucky trail of the 2016 presidential campaign, here’s a handy reference to help you understand how the various political professionals you’ll be reading about all fit into our American system.

One Nobel Prize-winning economist’s calculations say the stock market is dangerously overvalued, and various Wall Street pundits disagree, but all that really matters is how soon gutter alarmist media like us can convince America’s least informed moron investors to panic. Then the fun starts.