AOL just announced its first quarterly results since spinning off from Time Warner. Sure, profit was a pathetic $1.4 million, but the dial-up provider's financial pathetic-ness is growing more slowly than ever. Full memo:

The Lancet has formally retracted a paper it published in 1998 on the causes of autism based on research conducted by Dr. Andrew Wakefield. So that's it for that, then, right?

Black Francis' new record is called NonStopErotik, is about "sucking at the only thing that matters," and features a song called "When I Go Down On You." We are apprehensive.

Mark Wahlberg wants you to forget his rapping underwear salesman days, but this workout video denies that possibility. Try as he might, the public can never forget that beautiful Bostonian, his life of Good Vibrations and "fly honeys". Pow!

Slight late pass, but here's an educational lesson for all you aspiring flacks: How do you connect your craptastic client to a huge star? Just lie about it! That's the 5WPR way.

Twas our penultimate tale of auditions on Idol last night, and yet again a woeful menagerie of lost souls flitted across our screens, floating through the thin air of Denver like warbling cowboy ghosts.

Ever wonder what going on the The Daily Show is like? Here's a rundown from recent guest Ethan Watters, author of Crazy Like Us: The Globalization of the American Psyche. This post was first published on The Rumpus.

This is a simple prank done by gluing someone's sandals to the ground. The outcome of the prank is absolutely perfect though. Watch and see what we mean.

John Travolta arriving at the Palm steakhouse in Midtown yesterday only to find it closed ... Courtney Love heading into the Mercer Hotel in SoHo ... Alessandra Ambrosio walking with husband Jamie Mazur in the West Village ... Jon Bon Jovi shopping with wife Dorothea in SoHo ... Kelly Preston leaving the Plaza Hotel with her daughter and a friend ... Sarah Jessica Parker walking with son James in the Village ... Bruce Jenner making his way through JFK dressed in his finest track suit ... Chace Crawford on the set of Gossip Girl ... and Josh Hartnett hailing a cab on Hudson Street.

Shows like Top Chef and No Reservations are some of the most popular shows amongst my friends these days, but chances are Padma and Tony have you thinking you're Mario Batali when you're still cooking at a Chef Boyardee level.

Do you hate dogs? Great. Awesome idea for you: adopt a dog, then decide that the dog's barking annoys you, then have the dog's vocal cords severed so it can't bark ever again. Stupid dogs, always behaving naturally. [NYT]

Jon and Dr. Bagelman, the Hasidic-bagel-puppet, met up in the bathroom at the "Story Hole." They watched some disturbing children's cartoons produced by Hamas. Dr. Bagelman counters these anti-Semitic cartoons with his own retelling of a classic cartoon: "Jewby Doo."

Ever wondered how something like a 110,000 calorie Snack Stadium gets built? Wonder no futher, as this video show's the entire process — in case you were feeling extra crafty for your Super Bowl party this Sunday.

SPOILER ALERT, OK? Our pick for last night's most befuddling and intriguing moment was John Locke, or whoever that is these days — Evil Man in Black — telling Ben that he wants to "go home."

Ignoring plenty of reporting here about quackery and profiteering, the Today Show ran an absolute blowjob today on Scientologists in Haiti. They're "often doing the work no one else wants to do." Like recruiting new Scientologists? Ugh. Full clip below.

Cats were created for our amusement. No kitties were harmed in the making of this video, but the mole union isn't too pleased that their gimmick has been usurped by a bunch of adorable kitties.

"The conservative online news entrepreneur Andrew Breitbart is, for the moment, doing little to dispel stereotypes about bloggers." Now why does that sentence end with the word "bloggers" and not "conservative assholes with persecution complexes"?

Truly a question that has plagued mankind for literally never. It's use in everyday life to get a cheap laugh had come from somewhere, though. And that somewhere was poking fun at a slutty girl at Long Beach State.

He's in an abandoned movie theater in Flatbush! Previously in "Lowly places the New York Times has sent its future publisher:" A lightbulb-changing tour, a playground, the Puerto Rican Day parade, a Nazi rally, a tree, and a boat. You'll look back fondly on these crappy assignments one day, A.G. Pay those dues!

• James P. Marden, the son of pharmacy mogul Bernard Marden, has picked up a townhouse in the West Village: Marden paid $4.125 million for a 2,200-square-foot, four-story building located at 39 Barrow Street. It's one of several real estate transactions for the family: Bernard Marden father sold his home in Wainscott for $11.2 million last year. And his former wife just recently sold her own penthouse for $11.5 million. [Cityfile, Avian Village Realty]
• Jennifer Scully-Lerner, a Goldman Sachs executive and top Obama fundraiser, and her husband, fellow financial exec Richard, have picked up a new apartment on Fifth Avenue. The couple paid $3.575 million for a three-bedroom co-op at 1170 Fifth Avenue, which first went on the market for $5.2 million back in 2008. [Cityfile]