Twas our penultimate tale of auditions on Idol last night, and yet again a woeful menagerie of lost souls flitted across our screens, floating through the thin air of Denver like warbling cowboy ghosts.

Aren't you so effing glad that tonight is the last of the audition episodes?? I mean, this is such a good thing. It's kind of unbelievable that Fox just plum got away with doing an entire month of these terrible miserable commercial-laden, content-free episodes. You know what sound will give me the night terrors for months to come? The first notes of that Here Comes a Sad Story music. Urghhhhhhhh. I know it's not really supposed to be a surprise at this point that the person is going to go through, but could they at least make it a little more interesting? Like once in a while the soft-touch focus feature doesn't sing well:

You know, I never did left Tennessee before this. I ain't never been outta Hollerton, actually. See... When I was ten years old I drove my brother's ATV over an embankment and lay in the mud weepin' for three days before anyone found me. You know... you keep going? But you don't ever forget somethin' like that. Just lyin' there in that mud, pinned under an ATV. All I could do to keep myself occupied, and to keep the various raccoons and badgers and coyotes and that weird neighbor boy Sticky Ricky from down the road from comin' up and gnawin' on me, was to sing. So I just kept singin'. And I guess I never did stop...

...and then they walk in and open their mouths and you expect sweet sonorous melody to come out... But instead it sounds like a harmonium being dropped down a back stairwell. (That should be a sexual euphemism: "Hey big boy, wanna come drop your harmonium down my back stairwell?" "Umm... I think so?") That would be fun and mean and shocking. But obvs they totes couldn't do that, because they clearly go and film the sadsack montage rack after the auditions have happened. Which means these poor segment producers have to spend even more time on the road, with American Idol audition freaks. They are the hardest working men and women in America, everyone! Hardest working of all.

Oh glorioski what happened last night? Well they were in Denver, a city whose chief character trait is that it has no character traits. Ohhhh hush now, Denverites! I'm just kidding. But what is Denver known for, really? Cowboys? Gold nuggets? You can't say: "Mountains", because there are mountains lots of other places too. Let's go with: Real World House. Or how about: Sandwich. I'm sure Denver makes a really good sandwich! Apparently they have good singers there too.

THOUGH YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT. Because Idol showed, yet again, a paltry few good singers last night. I like that girl with the scratchy voice who sang Melissa Etheridge. And... that maybe was it! The girl who brought her little sister in was just cuuute and nothing else. That weird white version of Stew from the very beginning was vaguely off-putting. I certainly didn't care for ol' Motorcyle McGee up there, who took off his shirt and embarrassed a nation. Oh, I suppose that little Paris Bennett v 2.0 at the very end was cute, with her nice mom and sister saying nice things. Plus: A black lady country singer! This has never happened before in the history of black people or country music! No, Darius Rucker, you do not count.

The kids over at the TV site thought that Victoria Beckham was a bad judge, to which I respond: No one is a good judge. Maybe Simon is. No, Simon is. But everyone else is ridiculous and unhelpful. At least Victoria is fun! And nice in a refreshing way. She doesn't snicker or snigger or smile or anything bad like a Katy Perry or an Avril Stinkbean. No, instead she's kind and British and almost a little maternal in this curious and unexpected way. If the TV kids are looking for good judging, I posit that they might be watching entirely the wrong show. Nina Garcia! There's a good judge. Kara Dioguardi and Randy Jackson? Two slugs trying to have a conversation for French class homework. One does not go to American Idol for the judging. One goes for the SIIIIINGING. Or something like that.

Though who knows what l'Ellen Degeneres is going to be like as a judge! I think her first show is next week, right? During Hollywinx? I like Hollywood week. It is good and entertaining. Do you know what tonight's episode is? Best of the Rest of Auditions. Yes. Doesn't that sound so thrilling? What's that?? Oh... Oh god no... That music! That horrible, horrible music...

My name is Boolie Dinkins and I was born here in Farmhat, Nebraska. While I appear to be walking normally now, three years ago it was a much different story...

When I was 19 years old I was driving my ATV to the shopping mall, as was the fashion at the time. I turned onto the highway on an entrance ramp, listening to my favorite Bo Bice tape. And before I knew it a big semi truck had come up behind me and run me and my ATV over. My body was torn into about twelve different pieces that, because of high winds that day, scattered from here to Central City. It took the state police about a day and a half to find my head.

Putting my body back together took weeks and weeks of painful sewings and staplings. And the only thing that got me through it was... my singing. Even though sometimes my arms fall off when I'm nervous or it rains, and I'm pretty sure this actually isn't my head that the police found and glued onto my neck, all I need to do is sing something and all those bad thoughts and worries go away.

Then they stride gloriously through those doors and see the judges glowing like fat, rich fallen halos and they hit their mark and breathe and smile and open their mouths and:

ONE MORE EPISODE GUYS. ONE MORE TO GO.