Two of Times Square’s notorious costumed mascots have been charged with assault after a cat (and mouse) fight broke out Thursday afternoon between two women playing Minnie Mouse and Hello Kitty.

According to the French prosecutor leading the investigation, Germanwings pilot Andreas Lubitz contacted dozens of doctors before intentionally crashing Flight 9525 into the Alps in March.

Since the drought began in California, my mom has become even more overzealous about conserving water. “The lawn is all brown blotches,” she giggled before I went home to visit last summer. “I turn off all the sprinkler but I think Marcelino turns it on.” Marcelino is our neighbor. He is retired gardener who sometimes comes over with his grandkids to tend to our yard. I think he feels bad for it.

We are bringing you true stories from Americans who receive welfare, food stamps, and other anti-poverty benefits. Before you consider voting for a politician who would restrict these benefits, consider what life on the dole is actually like.

The news broke in time for South Floridians to read it on their phones while stopped for a frigging accident on the frigging Golden Glades just a couple frigging blocks from work. Marco Rubio, their senator and beige Buick-steering soulmate, is as shitty a driver as them. His wife is even worse:

In April, a concerned Florida man pulled into the driveway of sheriff’s deputy, climbed on top of the officer’s SUV, and danced for five minutes to to “Rich Girl” by Hall & Oates and “Goodbye Stranger” by Supertramp. Once arrested, the Smoking Gun reports that the suspect, Christian Radecki, told police that he was looking for the “Sheriff of Nottingham” to help him fight off a “woman with fangs” and other vampires who were looking to slaughter small children.

Tall socialist New York mayor Bill “de” Blasio was elected as a stiff shot of progressivism to counteract the city’s Mike Bloomberg money-centric hangover. Now, one of NYC’s minorities—white people—are quite cross.

The New York Times reports on a new trend in teen drinking across the pond: Young Brits have recently been consuming a kind of caffeinated wine called “Buckie” with wild abandon. The drink has become so popular that the Scottish Parliament is considering banning it to keep it out of their country.

The sister of an alleged sex abuse victim of former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert came forward today to share her brother’s story and call Hastert out for his alleged crimes. This follows Hastert’s indictment last week for illegally funneling $3.5 million to an unnamed person from his past as a high school wrestling coach.

What was it that Fight Club-quoting weird guy who lived on your floor sophomore year always used to say? Ah, yes: “The things you own... end up... owning you.” And guess what, it’s true!

The self-proclaimed “naughty” co-owner of the Four Seasons, Julian Niccolini, is facing felony charges over allegations that he tried to force himself on a family friend during a recent party. Even so, the Times reports, he made it out of jail in time to oversee Henry Kissinger’s power lunch Thursday afternoon.

After a two-year-old golden retriever died in one of Petco’s drying cages last week, allegedly of heatstroke, the pet store chain says it has stopped using kennel dryers at any of its locations. After a grooming and bath, Colby the dog was left inside one of the dryers while his groomer left the store to go to a graduation. A vet told his owner he died of heatstroke.

The beauty of building up a wealth of confidential data you really don’t want anyone accessing is that it’s all in one place when, say, Chinese hackers decide they want to look at it. Such is the case with today’s “massive” federal data breach, the AP reports.

[Grieving Vice President Joe Biden wept at the public memorial service for his eldest son, who died Saturday of brain cancer. Beau Biden was 46. The receiving line was scheduled to end at 5 p.m., but the VP and his wife, Dr. Jill Biden, planned to stay in the receiving line “until the crowd stops coming,” according to pool reports. Photo by Patrick Semansky/AP Images.]

The Hampton Jitney is a private bus line that takes well-off New York City residents from the city to the Long Island towns where well-off New York City residents enjoy spending summer weekends. Lately, some of those buses have experienced delays. One can only imagine the effect sitting in traffic must have on the already enervating class anxiety felt by Jitney riders who cannot, as their betters do, charter weekly helicopters.

Rick Perry’s presidential campaign launched today on the premise that you don’t need to be able to count to three as long as you can push the red button. But amid his militaristic orgy of self-praise, dumb media people had a dumb media argument about the emo twins flanking Perry. Caitlyn Jenner was involved.

In Portland lives a man who jerks off in a port-a-potty, with the door open, regularly. This morning, a group of homeless people who live near the toilet decided they’d had enough and pushed the port-a-potty over, covering the masturbating exhibitionist with shit.

With Caitlyn Jenner’s public debut dominating the news cycle this week, people who are uncomfortable that Bruce is now Caitlyn are trying to tear her down by claiming she’s not a real American hero, like The Troops. This is a bad and disingenuous argument, which makes it all the more satisfying to see it buried under a heap of sweet, sweet irony.

Jim Cooley cares deeply about freedom. And safety. Which is why he travels to Atlanta’s airport carrying an AR-15 with a 90-round drum magazine. But why can’t he do that without cops politely following him at a safe distance? Isn’t this America?