Two Texas brothers who confessed to shooting a stranded dolphin to death with a compound bow were sentenced to one year of probation, 50 hours of community service and a shared $7,300 fine this week, KBTV reports.

Since righting the vessel on Friday, rescue personnel have recovered hundreds of bodies from a capsized passenger ship on the Yangtze River, bringing the official death toll to 406 as of Saturday, the L.A. Times reports. According to the Associated Press, this makes the Eastern Star disaster the country’s deadliest maritime accident since 1948.

This month, a remote Idaho school district, to which it takes law enforcement officers approximately 45 minutes to travel, has purchased firearms and trained six staff members to use them in the event of a school shooting, the Associated Press reports.

I work at a soul-food restaurant owned by a very attractive black biracial man. The restaurant is located in South Los Angeles, across from what used to be the Magic Johnson Theater, a place once known for shootouts during movie screenings. But, I digress.

“He is an outdoorsman entrepreneur who has invented his own career. The treehouses serve as his home and as an alluring backdrop for advertisements for himself.” And a very good job they do, too.

On Saturday, rescue workers recovered the bodies of 11 climbers from Malaysia’s highest peak, the 13,435-foot-high Mount Kinabalu, after a magnitude-5.9 earthquake struck the area on Friday, the Associated Press reports. Thirteen bodies have been recovered in all; six people are still missing.

The Queens man accused of charging a tourist couple $400 for a round-trip on the (free) Staten Island Ferry filed a lawsuit against the city in Manhattan on Friday, the New York Post reports.

A Times Square fortune teller was arrested for bilking some loser out of $713,975 over the course of 20 months. This schmuck was in love with a woman who did not love him back. Then, she died. The fortune teller said she could resurrect her. It didn’t work out.

The Duggar family has emphasized repeatedly that eldest son Josh received some form of “counseling” after he confessed to molesting five underage girls in the family home as a teenager. What was not discussed, until the second installment of Fox News’ Duggar family interviews aired Friday night, was who paid for it. According to his sister Jill, the answer is: Josh Duggar.

In perhaps the most heated moment of their Fox News interview, the Duggar sisters slammed the magazine In Touch Weekly, which first obtained redacted police reports describing their molestation through a Freedom of Information Act request, and its parent company Bauer Media Group.

When asked by interviewer Megyn Kelly about their initial reactions upon learning details of their case had been released to the public, the Duggar sisters responded emotionally. Jill, 12 at the time of the molestation, faltered and began to cry as she attempted to speak. Younger sister Jessa said that the victims were “pretty furious.”

During their interview Friday night with Megyn Kelly, Duggar sisters Jill Dillard and Jessa Seewald stuck strictly to the family line and downplayed the actions of their brother and molester, Josh Duggar. “We were like, ‘Oh, my goodness, most of the stuff out there is lies,” Dillard said. “It’s not true, so we wanted to come out and set the record straight.”

If you feared that your hero, the $30 hot dog guy, had been defeated by the forces of Mayor Lex “Bill DeBlasio” Luthor, dry your tears. Although Ahmed Mohammed lost his job selling $30 wieners and priceless life lessons (same thing) to tourists near Ground Zero, a new hero has risen to take his place.

Brooklyn Libertarians and/or Reddit gold account owners beware: police say a man was robbed at gunpoint for $1,100 in Bitcoin in Crown Heights last week.

Parts of South Florida will be underwater before you know it. Nevertheless, Florida is busily building new condos all the way down the coast, because fuck it, they can $ell them. Or can they?

On Tuesday, a group of 150 to 200 people including Democratic city councilman Mark Squilla gathered in South Philadelphia displaying signs that read “White women’s lives matter,” “We know who you are,” and “We will not allow you to terrorize our neighborhood.” Ostensibly, the rally was meant to protest police inaction following an attack on a group of local women. The reality may have been much uglier than that.

Did you go to a fratty mid-Atlantic college in the late ’90s, have a Bob Marley blacklight poster, and squee to MTV Party to Go Platinum Remix while drinking Red Stripe at parties? Congratulations, Dawson! You know as much about rap as Marco Rubio, Fox News rap correspondent.

On Wednesday night, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar went on Fox News to discuss the molestation of four of their daughters by their eldest son, Josh. During the interview, they made vague allusions to Josh’s “counseling” at some sort of “training center.” There’s a reason they never got into specifics: Josh’s counseling was bullshit.

An Alabama man, accused of third-degree assault, attempted to wiggle out of his legal trouble by wiggling out of his pants. He reportedly showed the alleged assault victim his dumb penis and asked her to drop the charges. To everyone’s absolute and total shock, he was unable to make his problems disappear merely by waving his dick like a magic wand.

Plastic-haired hedge fund sleazeball Anthony Scaramucci, proprietor of the worst place in Manhattan, argues today that “greater unionization is not the answer” to America’s economic inequality— “dramatically lower corporate tax rates” are. Good idea, Grifter Ken Doll.