According to a truly disturbing report from the Virginia Board of Medicine, an Army doctor ran “experiments” on his students for years—wildly unsafe, government-funded sessions allegedly fueled by ketamine, alcohol and what sounds like some sort of personality disorder.

Alert, alert: forget about that escaped murderer—there’s a real prison break situation out of Ohio, where thousands of piglets are apparently roaming, free and proud, across Ohio’s fair highway shoulders and rest stops.

The man who signed Avril Lavigne unequivocally admits that appearing on the X Factor was “the worst thing I’ve ever done.”

There’s an old adage in journalism, probably: “Sometimes you chase the story, and sometimes you become the story [because a witness in a murder trial just used your face as an ashtray.]”

Earlier today, Canadian power company BC Hydro tweeted out this image of a local power outage in Vancouver. A fully erect, tiny-testacled, throbbing, local power outage.

A 26-year-old New York City man says he plans to sue the city for unlawful arrest after NYPD officers pulled him over in the Bronx and refused to give him any reason for the stop. Ben Farias was ordered out of the car, but he left his phone in the cupholder to record the search. The video includes one cop admitting “I don’t know why we pulled him over.”

Don’t let anybody tell you a street fight is not an attack on your life.

A South Philadelphia rally that saw demonstrators holding signs that read “White Women’s Lives Matter” and “We Will Not Allow You to Terrorize Our Neighborhood” in response to alleged attacks by a group of black women in the neighborhood was not racially motivated, according to the chief of staff for a city councilman who attended the event.

Relax.

On the same day that 38 members of Penn State’s Kappa Delta Rho were expelled from the fraternity over a private Facebook group where they traded secretly-snapped photos of nude women, the member who blew the whistle on the group filed suit against KDR for hazing.

On Saturday, I joined a few neighbors on the stoop in front of my apartment in gazing toward the sky. “NERO, like from Rome,” said a precocious middle-schooler, referring to the skywriting in progress southwest of our neighborhood. “I don’t know,” an adult countered, European history understandably less fresh in her mind. “I think it says NERD.” I thought so, too.

The enormous pension fund Calpers, which recently stopped investing in hedge funds, says it will cut in half the number of outside investment managers it employs in order to reduce the fees it pays to Wall Street. Shoddily managed state pension funds across America, take note.

There are some things you should know about Richard Matt, right, one of the two convicted murders who crawled out of a maximum security prison in New York this weekend. He has killed multiple people in two different countries. He has escaped from prison once before. He is, according to one cop, “the most vicious, evil person I’ve ever come across in 38 years as a police officer.” He also has a gigantic cock.

A former inmate at the Manhattan Detention Complex claims in a lawsuit that damage sustained to his penis from a six-day erection that went untreated while he was in custody has left him permanently impotent. Rodney Cotton had been taking Risperdal—an antidepressant that is known to cause painful and prolonged erections known as priapism.

The past decade has seen New York City go from a city with an economically mixed landscape to a city in which the rich have burst forth into every last neighborhood. Except three.

Some ways to watch Friends, a classic situational comedy about white people, include: buying digital episodes for a couple of bucks each, purchasing them on physical DVDs for even less than that, or catching some of the many, many syndicated reruns available on network television for free. Or you could just pirate an episode and agree to pay Warner Bros. $20 in an automated settlement offer. Whatever. Up to you.

A grand jury in South Carolina has indicted former police officer Michael Slager for the murder of Walter Scott. In April, Slager shot Scott, an unarmed black man, eight times in the back following a routine traffic stop.

“Although coifs and comestibles would not seem to have much in common, for a specific demographic, a cappuccino made with locally roasted, ethically grown beans is a natural accompaniment to high-caliber haircuts.”

John Oliver, HBO’s best critic of America’s broken-ass political and economic systems since The Wire, turned his attention this week to one of the brokenest-ass systems of all: the way we handle bail for people accused of crimes.

A young man who spent a violent three years in jail at Rikers Island without ever being convicted of a crime reportedly committed suicide this weekend. He was 22.