A Florida man has been charged with misdemeanor simple battery and probation violation after allegedly throwing a slice of pizza at his roommate during an argument about (quite possibly the same) pizza, The NY Daily News reports.

How has Chet Hanks, the son of two popular, seemingly non-bonkers movie stars, managed to live such a remarkably hapless life? Simple: by ignoring their advice entirely.

Earlier this year, Wells Fargo took the courageous stance of acknowledging gay people exist and may want to do business with them, airing this ad featuring a two-mom family. Predictably, evangelist Franklin Graham reacted with the compassion and restraint preached by his Messiah.

How did two convicted murderers escape from a maximum security prison this weekend? Who is Tillie, and did she betray her husband for a big-dicked con? Will we ever find out how big the other guy’s dick is? Here’s everything we know about the killers and their flirty escape.

On Monday, Snoop Dogg filed a lawsuit against the Pabst Brewing Company, alleging the company violated his 2011 endorsement deal for Colt 45 Blast, the Associated Press reports.

Figo—a very good dog (who’s a very good dog—YOU ARE! YOU ARE! FIIIIGOOOO)—threw himself in front of a bus this weekend to save his blind owner from almost certain death. Imagine being loved that much??

Video purportedly shot near Willsboro, New York shows an army of cops presumably awaiting signs of the big dicked-escaped convict and his accomplice, who have been on the run since they escaped from a maximum security prison Saturday.

Officer Eric Casebolt resigned from the McKinney police force Tuesday, three days after a video of him violently throwing an unarmed 15-year-old girl to the ground was published on YouTube.

Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert pleaded not guilty Tuesday to breaking federal banking laws by hiding as much as $3.5 million from federal authorities. Hastert, a former high school teacher, allegedly gave the “hush money” to a former student, who agreed not to reveal that Hastert had sexually abused him.

The New York Daily News reports that dozens of heavily-armed cops have swarmed Willsboro, New York, after authorities tracked big-dicked fugitive Richard Matt and his partner in crime David Sweat to the town, which is about 40 miles south of the correctional facility the two escaped from Friday night.

We know Richard Matt is a convicted killer on the loose. We know, thanks to my colleague Jordan Sargent, that “Matt is very handsome and, in all frankness, very well endowed.” Now we also know that Matt, for some weird reason, has this massive Marine Corps tattoo, even though the Marines say he never served.

People forget today that George W. Bush first ran for president as a “compassionate conservative” because it was novel to do so: Most conservatives openly acknowledged that they were pricks by 2000. Like George’s brother Jeb, who wrote in 1995 of wanting society to attach a “sense of ridicule” to single parenting.

Today is the 100th birthday of guitar god Les Paul, whose innovations helped to make Gibson one of the world’s most famous guitar makers. Speaking of that—how is Gibson doing, these days?

The Advanced Training Institute—the fundamentalist, sex-offender-led cult subscribed to by the Duggars—has a lot of questionable practices. But in addition to cancer-causing semen and horrible fashion advice, ATI has one extra-absurd bit of wisdom it would like to impart on your children: Your Cabbage Patch doll is filled with Satan’s demons.

Former CIA head and surprisingly sexual military general David Petraeus was sentenced in April to two years probation and a $100,000 fine for sharing classified government information with his lover/biographer, Paula Broadwell. Considering the fate of other patriots who leaked secrets, Petraeus got off easy. But he had a little “help” from his “friends.”

Last summer, stolen photos of dozens of famous women flooded the internet; eager pervs cheered it as “The Fappening,” a pornographic cataclysm without any clear cause or culprit. But even as the horny internet has (mostly) moved on, the feds have been working hard to identify the culprit or culprits—and they’ve narrowed in on the suspicious activity of at least one man.

After 43 years of solitary confinement in Louisiana’s Angola prison, Albert Woodfox has been freed by a federal judge who wrote that “there is no valid conviction holding him in prison, let alone solitary confinement.” Woodfox has been convicted twice of killing a prison guard—and both convictions have been overturned.

A few years ago, I talked to a guy in his mid-30’s on Grindr who said he wanted to have condomless sex with me. He assured me he was on Truvada. I declined but kept in touch. When I started writing my first Truvada story in late 2013, I wanted first-hand accounts of PrEP users so I reached back out to him in an attempt to interview him. He flaked on me multiple times and I didn’t hear from him again until a few weeks ago. He hit me up on Facebook to tell me he missed our interviews because he was on meth at the time. Furthermore, he had just gotten out of Rikers. He told me if I ever wanted to publish something about what it’s like to be a (white) gay man in that jail, I should hit him up. I agreed immediately, met him for brunch, and had him tell me his story. He asked to remain anonymous. The first-person account below is the result of our interview.

Steven Cohen, the self-pitying billionaire hedge fund titan who enriched himself through insider trading, has an expensive new toy.

A rep for Jackie and David Siegel, the couple best known as the stars of the nightmarish 2012 documentary Queen of Versailles, confirmed today that daughter Victoria struggled with a pill addiction prior to her death this past weekend. The 18-year-old was found unresponsive at the Siegel home on Saturday.