A pimp walks into The Donut Hole and her gigolo later tosses his ball around. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, goodnight! Tip your waitresses, I'll be here all week.

With the boom in shows about real-life families, a discussion has sprung up about whether reality TV programs should abide by the same laws that govern child acting. But who will save them from their parents?

Takeru Kobayashi's reign as the world's most celebrated eater of hot dogs has ended. "The Tsunami" lost his world record three years ago, and now he has purposefully undermined his competitive eating contract negotiations. An excuse to eat no more?

Today we looked at the hotbed of hot Missed Connections that is the L train, inspiring love, lust, and confusion among you commenters. One commenter in particular had his heart captured by an enchanting strap-hanger.

Your daily look into the twitterific lives of our favorite celebs.

Hooray, the Cold War is back and awesome. The U.S. government has arrested 10 Russian secret agents who were working "long-term" on getting all of our juiciest bits. Cables from Moscow were intercepted and everything! Holy potatoes.

After interviewing a doctor who treats serial killers, Khloe is convinced that Scott is a sociopath. Past and present clips prove he is a ridiculous prick, but Khloe's persistence to prove he's crazy is a bit immature and annoying.

Three weeks ago, the Library of Congress released more than 40 videos of life in New York City in the early 1900s, including this one that's like a semi-scripted reality show. Who knew The City had such storied lineage!

Jenna Bush Hager, daughter of former President George W. Bush and current Today Show correspondent, reported on her visit to Yellowstone. Like her old man, she spends much of the segment speaking in poorly constructed sentences and acting bizarrely.

Nicolas Hayek, the founder and chairman of Swatch Group, the company that fitted the world with colorful, affordable, and loud-ticking plastic wristwatches, died of heart failure today. He was 82 and Swiss. Both you and your '80s watches are old.

Dancing With the Stars is courting Landon Donovan, The City might be canceled, the Lohan family gets a new reality show, Marvel Comics head to TV, and Steve Carrell's next season playing Michael Scott on The Office will be his last.

How has The Politico, the most closely-followed internet tip sheet in our nation's halls of power, won the morning and the afternoon as well, today? They have done so with this work of journo-art, "Ben Marter's home-cooked weekend."

The California law firm that sued Facebook and Zynga over scammy gaming ads is setting its sights on Apple, investigating a possible class action over reception problems with the new iPhone.

While auditioning models for LA Fashion Week, gallery owner Micky is confronted with a terrible predicament: all the models she has been sent are amateurs! She proceeds to call the model's agency and go all "Les Grossman" on their asses.

TONIGHT: Highlights include Warren the Ape, a burger-centered the Best Thing I Ever Ate and more insanity from the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Plus, ABC Family premieres a new Nikki Blonsky vehicle set at a weight-loss camp for teens.

Jon Gosselin went to a tattoo parlor called Never Say Die. He got a tattoo of an "all encompassing" dragon. "It has all parts of the zodiac," he says, signifying "rebirth." Thus ends the 40 douchiest words of our lives.

Dick Cheney has been released from his most recent hospital stay, alive.

A correction ran this weekend, for an Adam Lambert concert review from last week, stating that the American Idol runner-up didn't just kiss his (MALE!!!1!) bassist, he licked his lips. And had his own lips licked. Thanks, Times!

A big "win" today for our more bomb-minded armchair engineers: ol' Bill Clinton says it "may become necessary" for the military to bomb the leaking BP well — but not with nukes, sadly. Come on, Clinton! Dream big.

"You're sexy, you're cute! Take off your riot suit!" Even though there were many weekend reports of violent protests at G20, here are some more peaceful protesters getting friendly with the Canadian police. Exercising civil rights can be fun!