Are we turtle? Or are we dancer? Enjoy this clip of a turtle really enjoying a toothbrush and some deep house rhythms. Someone strap a loin-cloth on him and call Lady Gaga!

Citizens of the Internet, The Battle of the Cheetos is now upon us. It's Puffs versus Crunchy. And Crunchy versus Puffs. In an epic online battle unlike anything the World Wide Web has ever seen.

Sen. David Vitter has clarified his denial that a recently fired aide, who'd remained on staff for two years after being arrested for knifing his girlfriend, handled "women's issues." Apparently, he handled things like abortion, which is unrelated to women.

See Rick. See Rick be interviewed at Hedonism II, a Jamaican resort. See Rick say he loves Hedonism II for "the rippin' and the tearin'." Then, see Rick do a freaky ass booty dance to Beyoncé's "Diva." Video inside.

This month, important sociological journal Teen Vogue has an in-depth and thought-provoking study of a fascinating phenomenon: Sometimes heterosexual females are friends with homosexual males. Though "friends with" implies parity. Let's say: Heterosexual females have homosexual male friends. It's trendy!

It's not Friday yet, but I'm pretty sure this is the most startling headline of the week: "Nigerian man arrested with bags carrying 70 dead babies." Apparently a hospital in Lagos, Nigeria was dodging burial fees. [BBC, image via]

This week on Toddlers and Tiaras, totally awesome April proved that you can have your cake and eat it too by showing us that she loves fishing and dune buggy racing just as much as pageant glitz and glamor.

These soldiers clearly have some time to kill (no pun intended) and are spending it horsing around. It was only a matter of time before one broke his face.

Warning: If you watch this video, a campaign song about Florida State Rep. Mike Weinstein, you will be hearing "Mike! Mike! Mike Weinstein!" all day. It's just that catchy. He should be president! Bonus: There's breakdancing, too.

In your inspirational Thursday media column: Miramax may be nearing a sale, a motorcycle writer canned for writing honestly about motorcycle things, Science vs. Pepsi controversy resolved, Tina Gaudoin rejoins the WSJ, and NPR name change alert!

This father's lesson to his child on high-fiving gets crashed by their dog. Who knew dogs were such good teachers?

After a story on Jennifer Lopez's concert in Greece, the gang at Fox & Friends turned to discussing Lopez's film work. Instead of talking about the recent The Back-Up Plan, the hosts concentrated on earlier works.

A tipster spotted infamous Times Square tourist bilker the Naked Cowboy parking his Escalade at a parking garage at 44th Street and Broadway this afternoon. We wonder if the driver's seat is actually a saddle. Another picture inside.

American Apparel CEO Dov Charney's scofflaw nature is not a recent development. He was busted for illegally selling t-shirts in Montreal (the business that would eventually become AA) way back in 1987. The shocking Canadian court document proof, below!

The news this morning that Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show received four Emmy nominations, paired with the news that Jay Leno's Tonight Show was shut out of every category, is best explained—naturally—with a Mean Girls macro.

Last night, Daniel Tosh reunited The Guido Sensation and his friend scorned-via-YouTube-rant in Boston. He also took some time to check out the "living art" trend that's happening online. Yes, Naked Tea Time is creepy to us, too.

The city council in beach town Asbury Park, New Jersey, has struck down a proposal to allow topless sunbathing to boost tourism. Too bad for the ladeez, but JWOWW's slutty bikini tops achieve pretty much the same result, don't they?

Remember those giant—and, at the time, revolutionary—cell phones from the early '90s that weighed about 20 lbs. and made you embarrassed to be seen anywhere with your father? If so, this commercial will make you feel all ~nostalgic~.

America's most unpopular national political figure Sarah Palin has it in her head that all "mothers" love her and agree with her stupid worldview of lies. This SarahPAC video goes out to them, the women who have spawned! [via]

Like all great geniuses, Paul the psychic octopus who predicts the outcomes of Germany's soccer matches is tortured: Argentinian soccer fans who blame their team's loss on him have threatened to cook and eat him.