What's the problem with schools these days? Well, besides the racial performance gap, the out-of-control employees, and the city government takeovers, they just can't keep their most important stakeholders (the media) happy.

In a new interview with New York magazine, little ol' Katie Holmes admits her precocious paparazzi-bait daughter is better at being famous than she is, perhaps because she's still starstruck with Tom Cruise.

Last week we pointed out the nerdy real-life superheroes that roam the streets. On Friday, Wife Swap introduced us to a whole new kind of superhero—a wacky Mom and Dad that call themselves "The Relationship Superheroes." Freaks inside!

Yeah, it was finally determined this weekend when a bunch of virile, grunting men pummeled not only some chick on a road trip but also her little wimpy sissyboy friend, who wasn't really a man to begin with.

Shameless parents ask this little girl to recount the bedroom romp she overheard. Watch as she gives a full rundown, including sound effects and commentary, of her parents' indiscretions.

Stieg Larsson is dead and Harry Potter's retired, so the book publishing industry has only one thing left up its sleeve: The Secret. Oh, wait, that was already published several years ago. Okay: a sequel to The Secret. More secret!

That is how he tries to butch up his image! This Oscar winner hired a hooker for a famous director to land a part, and this PR lady is helping her husband out of the closet. Everyone needs professional help.

The NYC war on smoking's latest front: construction sites. What about workers' right to danger?

Kim defies her former BFF and sensei. Lindsay Lohan could get out of rehab this week. Lance Bass gets a drink tossed in his face. Lil' Wayne eats prison beef stick. Monday gossip faces consequences.

Have you ever gone into a Starbucks and cursed their fake "Venti, Grande" size names? Sure. Gimme a "Large," amirite? And have you ever had police remove you from Starbucks for arguing about bagel-related grammar? Anyone? One lady has!

[Justin Bieber in concert in Auburn Hills, a town named for his hair. Image: Splash]

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

Tabloid sex fiend Andrea Peyser can most accurately be summed up as a ball of ill-concealed sexual repression who constantly lashes out at delusional symbols of impropriety, out of guilt. Sad, really. Today: why are all young girls sluts, 100%?

The Amazon River and rainforest have for years been under threat. But nestled on 24 acres of prime Peruvian jungle lies the Amazon Golf Course, an oasis of sport and leisure. The water traps even have pirhanas in them!

[Fans gathered yesterday at Graceland to mark 33 years since the "death" of Elvis Presley. Eight-year-old superfan Brandon Byrd poses here with Brazilian Elvis impersonator Mark Rio in Memphis. Image via AP]

Things that should never happen: A zoo in Taiwan yesterday announced the birth of two "ligers" — a cross between tigers and lions. One has already died. The Taiwanese government will fine the zoo a maximum of $1,600.

It's a time honored tradition for manly men to grab a Jim Harrison novel, an Orvis hat and some felt waders to go fly fishing in America's streams. But their expensive gear is killing the rivers they love.

Russia is finally catching a break with some cool weather, and the fires are dwindling.

On Friday, President Obama spoke out supporting the right of the developers of the Cordoba House—the so-called "ground zero mosque"—to build at their site. And Republicans wouldn't shut up about it. It's okay! We have other ideas.

Have you seen clips of Jodie Fisher, the woman whose sexual harassment claims against HP CEO Mark Hurd led to his resignation, acting in 90s softcore? If so, you're just like Hurd, who "looked at clips from racy films" online!