Rick Perry is a day late and a literal dollar short to the Republican primaries—his campaign reportedly stopped paying staffers last week because he has no money left.

Without dwelling on the progressive policies of decades past, and how they sometimes failed the communities they were designed to safeguard, I’d like to discuss an editorial written by my colleague, Hamilton Nolan (“Don’t Piss on Your Best Friend”), which argues against the recent protest of Bernie Sanders by individuals associated with the Black Lives Matter movement and suggests black protestors don’t know what’s really in their best interest.

Do you remember what it means to be deeply, passionately in love? This dumb dog does, having found the one object that can fill the rectangular, 8.5-by-11-inch hole in his heart.

St. Louis County Police say that about 60 people were arrested on Monday after Michael Brown protestors shut down both lanes of traffic on Interstate 70 in Earth City, Missouri, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports.

The governors of Colorado and New Mexico declared states of emergency on Monday after a federal clean-up crew accidentally dumped three million gallons of toxic wastewater into the Animas River, the Albuquerque Journal reports.

NBC New York reports that 12 people have now died and 113 have been sickened in the largest outbreak of Legionnaires’ disease in the city’s history. Mayor de Blasio said that no new cases of the illness have been reported since August 3, which he called “a very promising sign.”

A 44-year-old Obama critic was arrested for retail theft in Illinois last month after authorities say he shoved a vibrator down his pants and offered to show an officer his penis, The Smoking Gun reports.

Google announced Monday that it’s now part of a new umbrella company called Alphabet, which will separate its core internet businesses (still called Google) from Google execs’ various side projects (like trying to live forever, building self-driving cars controlling everything in your home).

Yesterday, Marco Rubio went on national television to reaffirm his awful anti-abortion beliefs to the public. And of course, to confirm that humans are not, in fact, cats.

There are few things as funny as crazed Crossfit evangelism. There are also few things as funny as someone doing something dumb and narcissistic at a war memorial. This weekend, the two finally and inevitably met, when famous Crossfit evangelist Dave Driskell did a handstand on top of the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe in Berlin.

The founder of a charity group that was displaced from its Venice Beach office by Snapchat’s expansion says that “a Snapchat executive told her he had noticed one of her homeless clients sweeping the street with an old broom, so he offered to buy the organization a new one.” Kindness—it’s affordable :)

A special aide to President Obama who discovered a cover-up at the highest levels of government—her Capitol Police boyfriend’s affair—is currently behind bars after allegedly taking revenge on him with his own service weapon.

As prominent Black Lives Matter activists, including DeRay McKesson, Johnetta Elzie, and Cornel West, were being arrested outside the St. Louis federal courthouse, the executive of St. Louis County declared an emergency in Ferguson. The St. Louis County police department, who last night exchanged gunfire with and wounded an alleged gunman, will now take over all policing in Ferguson.

Upworthy bet millions of venture capital dollars that progressive values are the ultimate viral content. But after being forsaken by Facebook and facing layoffs, we’re told the site’s left-wing leadership has successfully fought off a staff unionization drive.

Michigan Rep. Todd Courser, the man who sent an anonymous mass email to start a fake gay sex rumor about himself to deflect attention from the real extramarital affair he had with fellow state representative Cindy Gamrat, now says he was blackmailed into sending the email by something called the “Lansing mafia” and his now-former aides.

Last Wednesday, the popular vlogger couple Sam and Nia Rader posted a video announcing to the world that they were pregnant with their third child. The twist: In the video, Sam “surprised” Nia with her own positive pregnancy test after stealing some of her urine from the toilet. Thanks to its insane premise, “HUSBAND SHOCKS WIFE WITH PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT!” has now garnered upwards of 11 million hits on YouTube. Sam and Nia celebrated this spiraling success, and, one could argue, the pregnancy itself, with a second video on Thursday titled, “WE’RE GOING VIRAL!”

Have you been to Justin Timberlake’s New York restaurant, Southern Hospitality—a “hotspot” “fine dining” establishment in that it 1) has wifi, 2) serves food and 3) is fine, I guess, if we’re being charitable? Did you happen to notice if the place was overrun with mice? Because New York City’s Department of Health did.

Uber, just a simple technology company that wants to make your life better and is definitely not responsible for the behavior of any drivers using its app, admitted Friday that it never background checked a Dallas driver with a fake permit who allegedly raped a female passenger.

Should we all just fuck off and throw ourselves into space? Maybe. Especially if we like lettuce.

Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly is currently embroiled in a vicious legal feud with his ex-wife Maureen McPhilmy over custody of their young son and daughter, the latter of whom told a court-appointed forensic examiner that she had witnessed O’Reilly choking and dragging her mother down a flight of stairs by her neck. Now O’Reilly—who likes to position himself as a defender of press freedoms in the face of “spin” from liberal censors—is trying to ensure other details about his conduct as a father and husband are withheld from journalists. It’s unclear, however, how successful his campaign will be.