45-year-old New York bookkeeper John Westwood seeks a woman on whom to perform oral sex, no strings attached. While some turn to Craigslist, Westwood has developed his own approach: leaving explicit cards inside of women's magazines with his phone number.

A new father in Pennsylvania lit a joint in the local hospital's smoking section to celebrate his child's birth. He told security, "I'm having a baby and wanted to get a buzz," which seems reasonable, if not responsible. [via LehemSteel]

Have you ever had a nightmare about getting married? How about having sex with you mother? Why not both! Thanks to a zombie roommate and a seriously freaky puzzle box: welcome to Mark Lilly's worst nightmare come true.

Tonight, Martha Stewart visited Stephen Colbert for quite the entertaining segment. Stewart talked about having her DNA taken/preserved and killing drunk turkeys with her bare hands—among other things—and also made gross hors d'oeuvres with Colbert. Video highlights inside.

Well, this is creepy: The empty New Orleans Six Flags, abandoned after Hurricane Katrina, filmed by Teddy Smith. It's even got an atmospheric score! And, because of course an abandoned amusement park would have one, a huge, terrifying clown head.

Today Katy Perry bundled up on her bike like some Star Wars character, concealing every inch of skin to escape the paparazzi. (She failed, of course.) Just hours later, her barely-covered performance thrilled a Victoria's Secret show. Symbolism?

When the judges confronted Zac about his outlandish style, he retorted by expressing his distaste with Morgan's apathetic attitude. Watch Morgan defend himself by taking cheap jabs at his gay competitors, and send Zac off with a really lame comeback.

As you've undoubtedly heard by now, a "mystery missile" was launched off of California's coast on Sunday night. Or was it just an airplane? At any rate, tonight, Jon Stewart handily mocked the media for their exaggerated reactions. Video inside.

[Hugh Jackman on a scooter in the West Village. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Gwyneth Paltrow just performed "Country Strong" (the title track from her upcoming flim) at the CMA Awards. It was odd. You know, in a "Gwyneth Paltrow singing country music is like Martha Stewart singing country music" kinda way. Watch inside.

The Internet was afire today with the news that Amazon.com is selling a guide for pedophiles. Tonight, Anderson Cooper let his disgust be known when he opened AC360 with a related segment and called out Amazon's hypocrisy in the process.

The mysterious "missile launch" off the California coast yesterday illuminated our national death wish, as millions feared/hoped that a nuclear ICBM was about to rain hot death all over a deadly-boring Tuesday. But it was just an airplane.

Five models. Four go-see appointments. And one helluva boring episode. Here's how it all went down.

Yesterday, we brought you country diva Reba McEntire's amazing cover of Beyoncé Knowles' "If I Were A Boy" (listen here). During tonight's CMA Awards, McEntire performed the song live, moving the star-studded crowd to a standing ovation. Watch inside.

Astronomers using NASA's Fermi Gamma-Ray Space Telescope have discovered two huge 'bubbles' of gamma ray energy at the center of the galaxy. They're either leftover from a shitload of supernovae, or caused by the black hole at the galaxy's center.

You've probably heard that Amazon is selling a pedophile guide called The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure. Outrage! Know what's really outrageous? Since the story broke this morning, sales of the self-published e-book have shot up by 101,000%.

Aziz Ansari's advice: Do not go to Coldstone and order a small cup of vanilla, do not leave even the smallest amount in the tip jar because to him this ice cream store might as well be hell on earth.

Just when we thought we'd seen it all on Family Feud—remember?—a contestant ventures a guess for, "Something a burglar would not want to see when he breaks into a house," and gives the most random correct answer ever.

The Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood-hosted CMA Awards are underway! During Paisley and Underwood's monologue, the former mentioned that, "2010 was also a big year for infidelity," before he and Underwood sang a song for Brett Favre and Tiger Woods.

New York Senator Chuck Schumer says alcoholic energy drinks like Four Loko are "spreading like a plague across the country." This despite being extremely disgusting! Schumer is urging New York to ban the radioactive stuff. Washington's ban starts next week.