“Granted, I was not there. Granted, hindsight is 20/20. But it turns out it was a bad idea for any Jew to have turned over a gun.” That is certainly one way of looking at it.

Three people suspected in the shooting death of Steve Carter, 67, a tantra yoga teacher whose body was found Monday along a hiking trail outside San Francisco, his wounded dog still attached to his hand by a leash, were booked on murder warrants, police in Portland, Oregon, said Thursday.

“Just 158 families, along with companies they own or control, contributed $176 million in the first phase of the campaign,” the New York Times reports—more money, mostly traveling through channels legalized by the Citizens United decision, from fewer (overwhelmingly Republican) sources than in nearly half a century.

Actor, eccentric, and fugitive from justice Randy Quaid was detained in Vermont while trying to cross into the United States from Canada this weekend, police said Saturday. He is expected to be arraigned on Monday.

“I don’t like to hire people to do work that I can do,” Jonathan Franzen told the Financial Times over lunch at the Gore Hotel, which is in London. This summer, he repainted a room in his “rather small” house in Santa Cruz. “The fourth coat was just sheer torture.”

Two explosions tore through a peace rally, organized ahead of snap parliamentary elections, in the Turkish capital of Ankara on Saturday morning, killing at least 86 people and wounding 186.

Last night, Shia LaBeouf, a serial plagiarist with a substance abuse problem, was arrested and booked for misdemeanor public intoxication in Austin, Texas, TMZ reports.

Fatherhood changes a man, which explains why Twitter oracle Kanye West took a charmingly domestic turn tonight, warning parents everywhere of the dangers that stupid little iPad games present when placed in the hands of children: Those stubby little fingers will click on those colorful in-app purchase buttons, racking up charges to daddy’s iTunes account.

After her kids called her “the meanest mommy,” a Nebraska woman decided to show them who the meanest mommy really is: Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest. The woman allegedly made the boys watch the film while duct-taped into their chairs.

You’re walking to school in the morning, minding your own business, smoking your own weed, when you feel a tap on your shoulder. It’s some old guy in a suit. It’s a cop. Oh my god, it’s the most powerful cop in all of New York City.

Three undercover Minneapolis cops are suing the city, county, and state of Minnesota after their names were made public in connection to an investigation into prostitution at city massage parlors. The officers’ complaint would be understandable if it weren’t for the circumstances under which their names were released: they were reprimanded for allegedly having gone a little too deep undercover during the hooker bust, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.

Texas Southern University went into lockdown today after two people were shot—one fatally—near campus. One possible suspect has been arrested, according to Houston police.

For the past few months, a 1500 pound cow has been running loose in upstate New York, and so far, it has evaded every single attempt at capture. This cow is a hero.

One of the more curious features of Bill Clinton’s years-long affair with Monica Lewinsky is the photographic trail the paramours left behind: posing in the Oval Office, hugging on the campaign trail, shooting the shit in the West Wing. In the years since, however, no such photos have emerged of Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton—which is more than a little strange, given the outsized role the former First Lady played in her husband’s administration.

Thieves snuck into an industrial truck parking lot in Scotland around 2:30 a.m. Thursday, targeting a huge semi-trailer that contained nine metric tons of Kelloggs’s cereal bars. They stole the whole damn thing, worth nearly $70,000.

I went to the White House this week, for the first and likely last time. Here is what I saw.

Yesterday in front of the NYPD’s Civilian Complaint Review Board, a police captain pled guilty to pointing his gun at a pair of tweenage boys who were playing tag in their Bed Stuy street in 2013. He received just 30 days of lost vacation time for threatening deadly force against two innocent children. You might think he got off pretty easy. His union does not.

The US Defense Department has barred the University of Phoenix from recruiting on military bases or taking federal money from soldiers following allegations of recruiting misconduct, and also due to the general fact that the University of Phoenix is trash.

A group trying to entice “Diamond” Joe Biden into the presidential race is making the vice president an attractive offer: run, and we won’t show this dramatic television ad about your dead wife and daughter.

Three were injured and one was killed in an early morning shooting today at Northern Arizona University, according to officials. The AP reports the suspected shooter, 18-year-old freshman Steven Jones, is in custody.