To the delight of anyone who still uses “Gyeorrrrge Buuuuuushh” as a punchline in 2015, an image macro containing an embarrassing quote attributed to Donald Trump has been passed around on Twitter and Facebook.

“That was shrinkage for me,” said Justin Bieber, confirming the fact that, despite media reports, he remains a nightmare human.

“It never troubles the wolf how many the sheep may be,” quoth Virgil, who never actually saw a herd of thousands of sheep walking down the street, hell-bent on destruction.

Journalism’s poster boy for making-things-up is on a whirlwind spree to throw money over the affair, and he’s starting with $10,000.

What do two (ostensibly) serious candidates for President of the United States do when they butt heads on one of the most significant and sobering moments in American history to date? They do the same thing all petulant teens do when they want to cause a scene—they take it to Twitter.

An Atlanta news radio host has been fired after he dusted off a years-old interview with Donald Trump and billed it as a new piece when it aired Tuesday.

Planet moons! Chemistry labs! Sleep news! Bee buzz! Elephant house! Coral reefs! Falling robots! And a small request from a very furry friend! It’s your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—from afar!

ABC News, E!, and USA Today are reporting that Lamar Odom opened his eyes this morning at the Las Vegas hospital where he’s been recovering since being found unconscious at a brothel Tuesday night. There are also reports that Odom said something after waking, though it’s not clear exactly what.

Sony Pictures has a new film out about the 60 Minutes fiasco that cost Dan Rather his job (whether he admits it or not) but CBS won’t accept the Truth—or its multi-million dollar advertising budget.

Malia Obama, eldest daughter of the President of the U.S. and possible Joey Bada$$ superfan, is currently touring prospective colleges to decide which one she would like to attend and, according to some student narcs she encountered this week, learn the game of beer pong.

It’s no fun being locked in federal prison, but now prisoners can take heart in the fact that they will be served pork, even though they said they do not want to be served pork.

Finally, NYU students are getting some return for their enormous investment: free ice and every-other-day maid service. Too bad there’s a catch.

Yesterday, a Vermont judge dismissed fugitive-from-justice charges against famous Quaid Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi, leaving the Vacation star free to give an interview to ABC News. “It’s literally like I’ve been snapped from the jaws of defeat,” he said.

My worst nightmare is being trapped in an enclosed space with lots of bugs. It’s on my mind all the time: Recently, I dreamt a plate-sized spider with legs made of those weird fingery mushrooms was roaming my apartment and I couldn’t get away from it. What’s yours?

When police arrived at a Jacksonville, Fla., birthday party Wednesday in search of Ryan Bautista, the 34-year-old fugitive and his beau engaged them in a 6 1/2 hour standoff before they were taken into custody. The reported reason? They wanted to make sweet love to each other one last time. Awwwwwww!

Fall’s crisp days are quickly drying out into a spooky, bitter cold as Halloween approaches and small, masked children gather in mobs. But this Hallow’s Eve promises to be even more frightening, as something truly macabre awaits us: it’s the sweet taste of death and it’s coming from inside the house.

The presidential campaign of timid celebrity child Jeb Bush has released an official physician’s letter stating that Jeb is in “excellent” physical condition. Excellent, Jebediah? Big talker.

Word of Life Christian Church, the upstate New York congregation where two teenaged brothers were allegedly brutally beaten by their parents and others, one fatally, had a creepy reputation among its neighbors in New Hartford. According to one former member, the goings on inside were even more chilling than the rumors suggested.

Drama at the FBI—according to the New York Times, the agency is livid because it feels undermined by President Obama—again.

Joe Biden has sent you an email. But, because he’s an addled old man and a politician, he did it in the stupidest possible way.