Thanks to Jon Meacham’s new biography of George H.W. Bush, we learned today that the elder Bush referred to his 1988 Democratic opponent, Michael Dukakis, as “midget nerd.” Is no one immune from vicious, accurate two-word epithets?

“I just think there ought to be a no-Twitter rule for candidates after 8 o-clock!” Jeb Bush told DailyMail.com yesterday. “There just should be, like, a rule.”

Were you at the Arizona State Fair yesterday around 5:30 p.m.? Did you snatch tiny baby GusGus (a goat) from his mother (also a goat)? Are you petting GusGus, crooning softly as you read this? If so, please bring GusGus back to the state fair immediately. Otherwise, GusGus is going to die.

Ben Carson’s campaign continues on today, albeit without Ben Carson.

Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush is taking his message of naked emotional vulnerability directly to the people. As of this week, Bush wants to be America’s email buddy. True to his word, it seems like Jeb will respond to almost anyone.

Bindi Irwin, teenage daughter of the late Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, is cleaning up on Dancing With the Stars, advancing to the ninth week of the show. That’s worth some serious prize money, TMZ reports—$230,000—but a judge won’t let her collect it until she proves her dad is actually dead.

What would you say is a fair amount to pay a savvy, sophisticated hedge fund manager for taking a pile of your money and making it smaller?

What’s that on your finger? Take a look again, closer.

According to reports, cops are now investigating the wife and son of an Illinois police officer who allegedly staged his own suicide to hide the fact he’d been embezzling money from a youth program.

A federal grand jury indicted Sergeant Michael Walker, an Army medic, on Wednesday in the fatal stabbing last year of his wife Catherine, the Associated Press reports. Walker is accused of conspiring with his lover to murder his wife and cover it up to look like a burglary.

A small, single-engine aircraft flying near Rockaway plunged from 1,000 feet into the ocean, and a man’s body has been recovered from the wreck, reports the New York Daily News.

From the Black Youth Project’s report on Black Millennials in America: “More than half of Black youth said that either they or someone they know was harassed or experienced violence from the police, compared with a third of white youth and a quarter of Latino youth.”

In an interview that was apparently filmed Monday with Philadelphia Fox 29’s Quincy Harris, Yusaf Mack announced, “I’m gay!” Monday was also the day that, per an initially dubious, lengthy statement (that crisis manager/hairstylist/singer Anthony Cherry eventually confirmed to me was “true”), the boxer supposedly announced he was bisexual and then he didn’t say a goddamn thing on TMZ Live. Last week, Mack said he was drugged in a porn he did for the company DawgPoundUSA. It’s been quite the two weeks for Mack. In the Fox 29 interview, he called his initial account of the shoot “all a lie.”

Adacia Chambers has been formally charged with four counts of second-degree murder and 46 counts of felony assault in connection with the car crash at Oklahoma State University’s homecoming parade last month.

In his new biography, Destiny and Power: The American Odyssey Of George Herbert Walker Bush, the former President reportedly takes a few good swipes at two of the most prominent sociopaths from the George W. Bush administration: Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld

A New Jersey pastor told police on Friday that three people attacked him at the New Covenant Missionary Baptist Church in Somerville, CBS New York reports. But after finding inconsistencies in his story, investigators found that he had faked his own assault.

If it has long been your wish to stand and marvel with your own two eyes at a brick wall coated in thousands and thousands of wads of chewed gum, do it soon—Seattle’s famous Gum Wall at Pike Place Market will be steam-blasted clean later this month.

Oh good: “After a long period of quiet, the price of the virtual currency Bitcoin is surging again as signs of interest from China and Wall Street have helped kick off a new speculative frenzy.” Still don’t know who the real Satoshi Nakamoto is, though!

Sad news: researchers have hit a dead end in the study of how kangaroo farts can unlock the solution to global warming.