Chocolate milk! Going inside of your child's body, and doing who knows what to Aedynn's delicate little organs! In our nation's capital, the number one education is this: How chocolatey is too chocolatey?

Some people have a tendency to idealize the wild, anything-goes New York City of the 1970s. Here's some vintage footage from some sort of news program or documentary about public transportation during the era. The hilariously stereotypical voiceovers talk about dangerous subways, dirty buses, and horrific cabs. Nostalgia isn't all it's cracked up to be—but the retro soundtrack sure does rock. [via Animal NY]

After ejaculating 5 million barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico, BP doled out $750 million to state and local governments in a panicked attempt to seem less evil. The states, being dutiful stewards of the environment, directed the money to cleanup and mitigation. Kidding! No, they spent it on the Doobie Brothers and iPads.

In your cooling Tuesday media column: Nancy Grace gets sued, traffic stats for the post-paywall NYTimes.com, Hearst meets Mark Burnett, trade magazines roll up and die, and more Nocturnalist for all.

Despite evidence to the contrary, human ice luge January Jones is still trying to convince us that she is something more than a pretty face. Now she's saying her Mad Men role was created just for her.

Last week an ad was emailed to J. Crew customers featuring a photo of the company's president and creative director Jenna Lyons and her son in which she was painting his toenails pink. A caption below the picture read: "Lucky for me I ended up with a boy whose favorite color is pink. Toenail painting is way more fun in neon." Oh, fun. Good for her. Good for him. Right? Wrong. This is an outrage!

The U.S. government is telling Americans inside an 80-kilometer radius around the Fukushima nuclear plant to evacuate. If the federal government followed the same policy on US soil, these would be the consequences in the three most populated cities. [Gizmodo]

Here's a trailer for Monte Carlo, the summertime girlz jam about TV stars hoity-toitying it up in a feature film. Specifically, Selena Gomez, Leighton Meester, and aspiring Golden Globe Awards presenter Katie Cassidy have teamed up to tell this tale about a trip to Paris gone wrong.

Ray Logan has opened enrollment for his Marijuana State University, a three-hour workshop in Maine that teaches people how to grow marijuana in their homes. Logan is one of the nearly 1,000 people in the state who have a medicinal marijuana prescription. And now he's sharing his green thumb with the world.

Hey, underemployed recent college graduates struggling in the worst job market in a generation: do you have a trillion dollars? I really hope you have a trillion dollars. Because you owe a trillion dollars, in student loans.

How did hot mom Stephanie Seymour resolve her messy divorce from billionaire husband Peter Brant? By giving him a literal peace offering:

Anthony Mangione is Immigration and Customs Enforcement's top agent in south Florida, and has led numerous investigations into child pornography. And according to Florida news reports, he's under investigation for kiddie porn himself.

Kristen Stewart eats birthday cake in the vicinity of Edward and Jacob. Charlie Sheen is a serial pet killer. Tori Spelling is pregnant again. Ashley Tisdale shows her boobs, and so does Christina Hendricks. Tuesday gossip eats cake.

Oh dear. Ashton Kutcher and his old lady Demi Moore are apparently, and justifiably, upset about human trafficking. So upset, in fact, that they called up some of their celebrity friends — Justin Timberlake, Jamie Foxx, the Old Spice guy - and had them make anti-slavery ads. Good for them! Too bad the ads are completely befuddling.

Ever since The Huffington Post sold itself off to AOL for an enormous pile of treasure, the legions of people who've been happily blogging for HuffPo for free for all these years have been asking themselves: Hey, shouldn't we get a piece of that pie? Now, they are demanding it.

This actress went to the cast reunion of a famous film but really reunited with her old co-star behind her famous husband's back. This footballer has a drug problem. And this actress just joined the mile-high club. Sadly it wasn't with anyone she'd been in a movie with.

American genius David Byrne recently settled his copyright complaint against former Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, who used a Talking Heads song without permission in his U.S. Senate campaign, by making Crist film this 90-second abject apology and post it to YouTube.

We must beg your apologies for a brief delay in bringing you the very latest news in College Professor In-Class Sex Demonstration Scandals, but we think you'll be pleased with the most recent developments in the field. Jack Rappaport, an assistant professor of management at La Salle University in Philly, has been suspended while the school investigates allegations that he hired strippers to give lap dances at a $150 extra-credit symposium on "the application of Platonic and Hegelian ethics to business." What?

The tabloids of New York are currently having a tabloid party over the grisly murder of Sarah Coit, a pretty young blonde living in Manhattan who was savagely hacked to death Sunday by her boyfriend—a celebrity publicist.

The Icelandic Phallological Museum is getting its first real human penis soon, after the death of 95-year-old Pall Arason, a friend of the museum's curator who agreed to donate his well-traveled dick some years ago. From the AP: