Mad Men actress January Jones is pregnant and speculation about the identity of the baby's father has already started. This famous athlete makes the women he's dating get bigger boobs. He's going to love January after she's given birth!

Sucks to be a graffiti artist these days. (Not really, it's AWESOME.) On the one hand, you have the art world fawning over you more than ever, and you're in all types of museum shows and you have contracts to design sneakers and corporate America is absolutely dying to harvest a little bit of your coolness. On the other hand, you're in jail.

Last August, Tad Friend wrote an excellent article in the New Yorker about the spectacularly bizarre life of downtown New York scenester John Lurie, focusing on his weird on-again, off-again friendship with an artist named John Perry, portrayed as a moody and dangerous figure who ended up stalking Lurie and making threats against his life.

Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi is pretty pissed off that his friend and Mayor of Milan, Letizia Moratti lost in the first round of elections to a candidate from the left. So he did what any racist European leader would do when faced with a decline in popularity: he turned on minorities in his country. Berlusconi wrote this on his website:

A Serbian Interior Ministry official told Reuters today that a man bearing "some physical features" of Ratko Mladić — the former Chief of Staff of the Bosnian Serb Army and noted war criminal — has been arrested, pending a DNA test.

Republican Congressman and former friend of the Taliban Dana Rohrabacher has an idea for curbing global warming: Gut the world's rainforests of old and decaying trees, because greenhouse gasses are "generated by nature itself." The California Representative thinks this whole idea of manmade global warming is bullshit, and wants to have developing countries with large rainforests to go in and do some heavy duty pruning.

You might remember terrible mom April Newcomb, who was caught on video coaching her 6-year-old daughter in a nasty fight with another teen down in Florida last year. She could be heard on the video yelling "don't fucking stop," "punch her in the fucking body," and other classy encouragements that are totally appropriate for a mother. Well, according to the Smoking Gun, she entered a no contest plea in court and was given 75 hours of community service and ordered to attend a one day parenting class. Wow. That'll surely teach April Newcomb a lesson.

The 2010 U.S. census figures have been released. The big picture, basically, is that men are living longer, marriage is downtrending, and the baby boom population is entering their twilight years.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn is on the move in Manhattan! (Did you see his cameo on the Glee finale? It was in that scene in Sardi's.) Out on $1 million cash bail and $5 million bond and desperately in need of a place to crash, the former IMF head and accused sexual assaulter has already fled the stilletto-hurling mobs of the Upper East Side and Downtown.

Declaring Brian David Mitchell's crimes against Elizabeth Smart "unusually heinous and degrading," U.S. District Judge Dale Kimball's sentenced the man who kidnapped, raped and tortured her for nine months in 2002 to a life in federal prison. Mitchell had never spoken a word in court, "except to sing a string of hymns, beginning with 'O Come, O Come, Emmanuel,'" the Salt Lake Tribune reports.

Ashton Kutcher-obsoleted fingertip-poet Charlie Sheen bought a $7.5 million home in Beverly Hills back in March, so now it's time to unload the place he's lived in since 1997.

The Walt Disney Co. has withdrawn its ill-considered bid to trademark "SEAL Team 6," forever robbing us of the family film franchise that could have done for pinniped commandos what G-Force did for guinea pig spies.

Behold, the power of Lady Gaga. The pop superstar's new album, "Born This Way," managed to crash Amazon.com's servers soon after the retailer offered it on sale for only 99 cents. Consumers, initially wowed by the discount, quickly became peeved by the dragging download speeds, and took to the album review section to complain not of Gaga's music but of their ridiculous experience using Amazon—one fan I know said it took upwards of six hours to download the CD.

Just when things couldn't get any worse for the former governor, the California Attorney General is reportedly launching an "inquiry" into the possibility that Arnold Schwarzenegger used state funds to cover up his affairs.

MSNBC's Ed Schultz offered an extended apology to radio host Laura Ingraham on Wednesday, a day after calling her a "right-wing slut" on his own radio show. Schultz said he was beginning an "indefinite" leave, though MSNBC had earlier announced that he'd be suspended without pay for one week. In the course of his on-air statement, Schultz told his audience that he's tried to reach out to Ingraham to apologize. He also promised he'd never use the world "slut" again. [WaPo]

While the president continues his European tour with a stop in Poland, Michelle Obama is heading home. But is she going home to be with her daughters? Or is it because she hates Poland, and more specifically, its president?

Scotty McCreery! That's right: McCreery, the 16-year-old with the country voice, just beat out Lauren Alaina at the end of the never-ending Season 10 finale to become your new American Idol. Richard Lawson will have a full recap up tomorrow.

Here's a trailer for Shark Night 3D, which is a movie about a shark, that was filmed in 3D. I'm not really sure what part is the "night" part, but there's definitely a shark, that lives in a lake.

An earthquake claimed 309 people in L'Aquila, Italy — less than a week after they were assured there was "no danger" of a deadly tremor. Now the seismologists behind that assessment are on trial for indirectly causing their deaths. [Nature]

Attention, discerning auctiongoers! The head of St. Vitalis of Assisi — the patron saint of genital disease — is up for auction in Ireland this coming Sunday. Obama must be so bummed he just left!