Riverdale, a private school that costs $38,000 per year, is completely incompetent. I draw this conclusion from the fact that I learned that Riverdale "discourages both tutoring and talking to reporters" from a New York Times story focused on the prevalence of tutors among students at schools like Riverdale.

This star of an HBO show is supposedly coming out of the closet any day now. This sitcom star is trying to stay in the closet. And this group of bisexual Hollywood moms has a monthly playdate/orgy. Did a gay bomb go off in Hollywood or something?

You remember when Facebook rolled out its creepy facial recognition technology last December in the U.S. Now it's available worldwide. Let's point and laugh as Europe freaks out about the same thing we did six months ago.

Fried candy pop act Katy Perry, already a hilarious musical comedienne with ribald and tasteful songs like "Ur So Gay" (in which she says she hopes an ex-boyfriend hangs himself with his faggy scarf), has now entered the realm of funny acting with a new video.

Jason Horowitz has written a fun little profile of New York Post sex columnist Andrea Peyser. Let's just pull a quote from Andrea Peyser, at random:

New York Times publisher Arthur "Pinch" "The Moose" Sulzberger, whose ex-wife got the Central Park West apartment when the couple split up in 2008, is a hobo no longer: he's bought a $3.9 million penthouse at The Dorilton, on West 71st St.

After a post on the blog A Gay Girl in Damascus claimed its author, Amina Arraf, had been abducted by Syrian security forces, questions arose about her true identity. A widely-used photograph has turned out to be someone else.

59-year-old Alan Kimble Fahey is facing a legal shitstorm over a crazy compound/house/thing he's been working on for many years in the Mojave Desert that he calls Phonehenge West. The Man says Fahey needs to follow building codes, and Fahey's all like "no way, Man," and now he might have to tear the place down. A judge yesterday found Fahey guilty of violating building codes, and his lawyer told the Los Angeles Times that Fahey "faces pretty hefty fines and fees."

Not good rapper Ja Rule, né Jeffrey Atkins, is set to turn himself in today, in order to begin serving a two year jail sentence for attempted criminal possession of a weapon. Back in 2007, New York "police found a loaded semi-automatic firearm — with the serial number scratched off — hidden in the backseat of his luxury Maybach sedan" on the Upper West Side. [CNN]

Pippa Middleton today lost the "coveted" 'Rear of the Year' award to someone named Carol Vorderman, who is famous in Britain for having a nice butt and for being on TV or something. After all of that Royal Wedding butt hype, Pippa should have won by a landslide, no? The award's organizer, Tony Edwards, explained to the Daily Express why Pippa's butt lost:

The whole country has gone feather-hair-extensions mad-so mad that women are descending like locusts upon fly-fishing shops nationwide looking for hackles, those feathery-things that can double as hair accessories. This report from the Seattle Times starts out so ominously, you can almost hear the duh-duh-dun punchline in the background.

Facebook has slowly introduced a new facial recognition feature that finds pictures with your face and suggests to your friends that they tag you in it. If you'd rather this feature be turned off, here's how to disable it. [Lifehacker]

Technology! Without it, we'd never be able to immortalize huge penises drawn on school lawns with weed killer. But thanks to the efforts of Google, a 2009 prank at Fairfield College in New Zealand lives on, much to the chagrin of principal Gerhard van Dyk, who says he plans to contact the internet search giant about the lawn dongs now appearing on Google Maps. Penis discoverer David McQuoid, who was looking for property when he stumbled across the phallus, says "at first I thought it was a large piece of art work." Well, yes, David.

Staff Sergeant Robert O'Hair just returned home from Afghanistan along with the rest of his unit, though with lighter pockets. Why? Because Delta Airlines charged 14 of them an extra $200 each to check a fourth bag. In the video above, O'Hair and a colleague explain how they were treated by the airline.

Technically, this massive eruption on the surface of the sun—which might have kicked up as much as a billion tons of "material"—is a flare. But it looks more like an enormous solar burp, doesn't it? And, wow, it's big, huh? Dr. C. Alex Young of the Goddard Spaceflight Center, who narrates the video above, says he's never seen a flare as "spectacular" as this one before.

After searching for two months, Australia's Department of Defense claims to have "lost" all but one of its files concerning UFO sightings, which were requested by a newspaper through the country's Freedom of Information laws. This leads us to two, equally plausible theories:

Jon Stewart opened tonight's Daily Show with a mock press conference—much like the one Anthony Weiner held yesterday—so he could apologize for going soft on his longtime friend on last night's show.

Blackwater Worldwide, the real-life mercenary team linked to the killing of civilians and noncombatants in Iraq during U.S. operations there, will be the subject of a Kinect-supported video game coming to the Xbox 360 later this year. [Kotaku]

As soon as Rep. Anthony Weiner first acknowledged his roiling Twitter-bulge scandal with a desperate "I've been hacked" defense last week, we knew he was guilty. "I've been hacked" is the first refuge of a cock-Tweeter. [Deadspin]

Much has been made of the fact that bulge-Tweeting congressman Anthony Weiner (8==D - N.Y.) is married to Huma Abedin, a close aide of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton — and that President Clinton officiated at their wedding. But having been through a not entirely dissimilar situation does not seem to have made the Clintons more sympathetic to Weiner's problem: