In case you hadn't heard, Gawker Media threw a fundraiser last night to benefit the Empire State Pride Agenda Foundation, which is still battling to make same-sex marriage a reality here in New York (and a vote, we hear, is imminent). Here's what you missed.

What is up with the white people and their refusal to spawn these days? There is such a severe lack of pasty procreation that now, for the first time ever, the majority of new babies are being popped out by The Minorities. The white supremacists warned us about this, but nobody listened!

After testing positive for alcohol use during her house arrest following a neverending string of DUIs, probation violations, and an uncontested theft, Lindsay Lohan arrived in court today wearing her most conservative outfit yet: A blue striped button-down and black dress pants. But her bra showed anyway, in the gap between buttons. Modest clothes strain to fly off her body, like misaligned magnets repelling each other.

Footwear company MeyeWorld is launching a line of flip-flops with Jersey Shore heffalump Snooki. One style of shoe will be pink with a pickle print and have Snooki's name on them. What else?

Good news on the national debt competition front (it is a competition, yes? Check this): the size of America's national debt will soon equal the entire size of our annual economy! I'm no "certified economist" or "New Yorker term-coiner," but I believe the official name for this economic period is "The Tipping Point." Think of it as the gateway to fun!

After more than a decade, a dead woman's battle for her dead husband's money has finally ended. The Supreme Court ruled against the estate of Anna Nicole Smith today.

Google is about to be officially investigated for being evil. The Federal Trade Commission thinks its search engine may have violated antitrust law, and that Google may be a bully to the core. Review some potential supporting evidence below.

75-year-old up and comer Woody Allen has a hit movie right now with Midnight in Paris, a summer counter-programming sleeper success that is on its way to becoming his most successful movie ever.

Presidential candidate Herman Cain is furious at "idiotic reporters" who mocked his line that he wouldn't sign any bills longer than three pages. He was exaggerating! He didn't actually mean three pages when he said, quote, "three pages." Why didn't, say, Jon Stewart understand this? Because he's racist, very very racist.

The flight attendants union for Southwest Airlines may file discrimination charges against against the downmarket airline after a pilot accidentally broadcast a rant against the "gays," "grannies," and "grandes" he has to work with.

Earlier this week, a rumor circulated that Time Inc. was considering buying celeb-slobbering money-losing OK! Magazine. Time decided not to. But a fellow money-losing enterprise is, for some reason!

One positive side effect of our entire nation being unemployed: we're spending less time at work! The Labor Department's latest annual survey of what the hell we do with all our time found that we, as a nation, work less than four hours on the average weekday—six minutes less than in 2009. Layabouts! And what are we doing with our abundant free time? Laying about! From the WSJ:

Spencer Falls plus Sarah Carroll equals Sparah, the celebutante power couple that we spoke of recently. Yesterday, paparazzi busted Falls wearing what he calls a "sidesling" (but what is really the vom-inducing utilitarian accessory known as the fanny pack) out and about in LA. Hey, like the most fashion-forward celebs, he's hot enough to get away with it. Next thing we know, Emma Watson and Elle Fanning will be sporting sideslings on the red carpet and that will be that.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, one of the GOP's hot little pieces known as the "Young Guns," moonlights as a weiner who's incapable of negotiating to prevent America from defaulting on its public debt. He's just "pulled out" of his role as the House Republicans' leading negotiator in the ongoing talks with Joe Biden, and has demanded John Boehner settle the remaining "tax issues" so he doesn't have to.

Lindsay Lohan meant to give an interview before today's court appearance, but freaked out and locked herself in her bedroom instead. Hugh Hefner's wedding special is back on. Tobey Maguire and Matt Damon get caught up in a illegal poker scandal. Thursday gossip makes demands.

After much speculation, J.K. Rowling has released a video explaining what her mysterious new website, Pottermore, really is. A new book? A game? No, it's just a store.

Everyone thinks this singer has a way with words, but it's his secret gay lover who has the magic pen. This TV star is cheating on his girlfriend. Sounds like the same old song and dance.

A bunch of fans of Aimi Eguchi, the newest member of the Japanese idol group AKB 48, were shocked to discover that she was actually a computer generated composite of the "best features" of other members of the group. This must happen every day in Japan.

The prestigious Cannes advertising awards are underway, a celebration that involves everyone in that ad industry at the "VP" level or higher flying to Cannes on the company dime, doing lots of coke, and giving each other one hundred jillion awards, for being the most brilliant ad people who can afford to go to Cannes.

Joseph Brooks won an Academy Award for writing the song "You Light Up My Life." On the minus side, he was accused of being a serial rapist and his son was charged with murdering his girlfriend and then Joseph killed himself.