A lot is riding on Captain America's shoulders. Will it give us the morale boost we so desperately need to get our economy moving again? Or will subpar dialogue and bloated, confusing action sequences send us wandering out of chilly multiplexes feeling disappointed, apathetic, and confused, setting us on a collision course with a dystopian future in which we're forced to live in discarded Ikea boxes and eat our own children to survive? The choice is yours, Chris Evans. Our tomorrow is in your hands. In the meantime, read the Top 10 list. You do that good. [Late Show]

Anthony Garcia, a 32-year-old grocery clerk from Albuquerque, will be indicted Friday for having talked a Sunflower Market customer last January into eating a yogurt sample. But this was not just a yogurt sample.

A study of 100,000 North Carolina inmates found black men were twice as likely to die outside prison than in, but white men were slightly more likely to die inside prison than out. [Reuters]

Negotiations between President Obama and Republican congressional leaders over the nation's debt ceiling hit a roadblock yesterday with reports of Obama storming out of a meeting and telling House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, "Don't call my bluff." And while many praised Obama for standing up to the Republicans, Jon Stewart had a more critical opinion of the president's actions on tonight's Daily Show.

Those Funny Little People is a variety act composed entirely of dancing garden gnomes who are rumored to be so sexually deviant, they've been banned for life from the furry convention circuit. The troupe keeps advancing on America's Got Talent, NBC's televised glue-huffing competition, mainly because Judge Piers Morgan absolutely hates them, so Sharon Osbourne and Howie Mandel keep voting them through. And, well, it never stops being hilarious!

Rep. Julia Hurley, 29, is a freshman legislator from Tennessee who once worked as a waitress at a Hooters restaurant. Yeah, so what. You got a problem with it? As she recently told Hooters Magazine (it's like The Economist, but with articles about onion rings and large breasts), "I have taken quite a bit of flack from the public at large during my run for State House in Tennessee for being a Hooters Girl. But I know that without that time in my life I would not be as strong-willed and eager to become successful." Right on, Rep. Hurley! Unfortunately, though, her political career has gotten off to a not-so-auspicious start.

Here's the trailer for Hugo, a 3D fantasy/adventure film that will hit theaters this November. Based on Brian Selznick's children's novel The Invention of Hugo Cabret and directed by none other than Martin Scorsese, Hugo tells the story of an orphan who lives in the walls of a 1930s Paris train station. A mysterious/magical train station! The movie stars Sacha Baron-Cohen and Ben Kingsley, among others, and while Joe Pesci is conspicuously absent, Hugo still looks to be a Thanksgiving Weekend must-see. [via NYM]

The White House has a challenge for you, software developers: They want you to devise a smartphone app whose purpose is to prevent rapes on college campuses.

Rupert Murdoch has lawyered up. Now that the FBI has opened an investigation into News Corp., the company has retained a criminal defense attorney. He's the guy who defended ex-Marine (and Fox News host) Oliver North during the Iran-Contra scandal.

Are you one of millions of Americans who looks down with pride at the powerful stream of colorless, translucent fluid flowing out of your body every time your empty your bladder? Who takes great personal satisfaction in knowing you've downed enough bottled water in a single day to satisfy the hydration needs of your average circus elephant? Well, a new study suggests you might be wasting your time.

Foreign hackers made off with 24,000 sensitive documents in what the Pentagon is calling one of its worst breaches in history, including data on spy gear, missile tracking systems, and warplanes. But hey, at least it prompted Defense Department bureaucrats to write up a very very strong plan.

The much-discussed bill in California requiring public school textbooks to teach lessons gay and lesbian contributions to the state's history has been signed into law by Gov. Jerry Brown. Every child in the state public school system will be automatically gay by midnight.

Remember when Fox News whined that the White House tried to ice them out of an interview with a Treasury Department official that everyone else got to talk to? And the White House denied it? Well, Judicial Watch used the Freedom of Information Act to get emails of White House staffers planning the event, and it turns out they were totally lying! They hate Fox News and think Brett Baier is a "lunatic," which he absolutely is, because he works for Fox News.

Happy Bastille Day! For those of you who don't know, Bastille Day is the French ripoff of July 4th, but they hold it 10 days later so they can pretend like it's their own special thing. That's so like France! Anyway, today we're declaring our independence from these awful French things.

Kate Hudson and half-porcupine baby daddy Matt Bellamy (How did they make the baby? Carefully!) named their child "Bingham 'Bing' Hawn Bellamy." Best Microsoft product placement ever? "For those wondering, Bingham is my mum's maiden name and Bing Russell was Kurt's dad. Family connections all around," Matt explained. [@MattBellamy, ABCNews, image via Getty]

Rupert Murdoch has given his formal interview since his world started collapsing around him—to the Wall Street Journal, of course. We're sure it was a hard-hitting barrage of questions. The upshot: He thinks he's handled the crisis "extremely well in every way possible." Yes sir! I was just going to say that.

In my day, college grades were evenly distributed on a "curve," which was determined by...well who knows, we were all so blunted back then. The point is, you can now safely accuse kids these days of getting everything for free.

"I want what I want when I want it." — The quote accompanying House Majority Leader Eric Cantor's high school yearbook photo. Presumably he wanted the same thing he wants now: To whine about everything at all times.

One of the favorite pastimes of hackers is attempting to expose other hackers. These attempts at "doxing," as it's called, almost always identify the wrong people. The latest victim is a Portuguese guy who's been fingered as a ringleader of the hacking groups Anonymous and Lulz Security.

In your lawless Thursday media column: the FBI's investigating News Corp, the Murdochs agree to talk to the Brits after all, a model journalism apology, a CNN reporter escapes a gunfight, and layoffs at PBS.