Foreign hackers made off with 24,000 sensitive documents in what the Pentagon is calling one of its worst breaches in history, including data on spy gear, missile tracking systems, and warplanes. But hey, at least it prompted Defense Department bureaucrats to write up a very very strong plan.

"A great deal of [the stolen data] concerns our most sensitive systems, including... satellite communications systems and network security protocols," the deputy defense secretary announced today. The attack happened back in March, and after four short months the military has finally retaliated with a fearsome, indestructible, state of the art, utterly unbeatable.... 13 page PDF for how we might maybe prevent this from happening again. It inaugurates something called the "cyber command." You should probably just surrender now, foreign hackers; given the Pentagon's obvious technical chops, we assume you can do that by entering the keyword "surrender" into your AOL dialer.