"Retirement." Historians tell us that the word refers to an obsolete ancient practice of living out your elderly years engaged in leisure activities, rather than in scavenging soda cans from neighborhood recycling bins to supplement your meager Wal-Mart greeter's paycheck.

Brad Pitt laments the years he spent sitting around getting high with Jen. Lindsay Lohan throws a drink at a photographer. A tween star dresses his penis up like an elephant. Anna Faris: "I hope somebody roofies me tonight!" TGIFriday gossip.

This tween TV star's naked photos got someone on her show fired. This celeb had sex with multiple ex-girlfriends in one day and this actress ruined her face with plastic surgery. From nude photo scandal to plastic surgery scandal: this is the life cycle of the modern actress.

Since the day of Barack Obama's inauguration, pundits and purveyors of "horse race" political journalism have been asking with increasing fervor: who will disconcertingly baby-voiced rapper and Vitamin Water vendor and trusted political power broker 50 Cent endorse in 2012?

Here's a trailer for Premium Rush, the New York thriller movie that features Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a fast-pedalin' bike messenger caught up in some gnarly intrigue. Whoa, man, slow down!

While convicted double murderer Duane Buck's guilt is not in question, his death penalty sentence is. So in a last-minute measure — Buck had already eaten his last meal — his execution was stayed, because during his sentencing hearing the prosecution had a psychologist testify that black people are more likely to commit crimes.

Denroy Morgan, an old-timey Jamaican reggae star, got pulled over in the Bronx on Friday with 25 pounds of weed in his trunk. Oh crikey, can you be any more stereotypical, Denroy Morgan?

If you didn't stop believin' the abduction-cum-affair of Michaele Salahi could get weirder—and make those involved appear more publicity-hungry—there's now this video from TMZ of Tareq Salahi and Michael Lohan leaving a Washington, DC restaurant together last night.

Eight people have been charged in Italy for allegedly supplying tangerine sex machine PM Silvio Berlusconi and his associates with prostitutes for his legendary "bunga bunga" parties. Berlusconi has not been charged in this case. [BBC]

The night of August 27th must have been bittersweet for Robert Jeffrey Young and Mark Rubinson, of Denver, Colorado. It started around 11pm, when Young stopped in to see his old friend Jeffrey Jarrett, who was going to let Young couch surf at his place for a while. But Jarrett was dead when Young arrived.

After reading some books about banking, Denny Ray Hardin set up a website, created 2,000 fake promissory notes, and opened up "the Private Bank of Denny Ray Hardin" (not necessarily in that order) from his home in Kansas City. How entrepreneurial! And illegal.

Just imagine you're a 20-year-old guy wrapping up a Brazilian vacation, and you've got managed to fit close to a kilo of cocaine down your throat before heading to the airport. Oh, the raging parties you'll throw! And the money! And the ladies. But then you're kindly asked at the airport to submit to a medical scan. Via MSNBC's Photoblog, we learn that these images are of a 20-year-old Irish man who was arrested on September 12 at Congonhas airport in Sao Paulo, Brazil.

A Phoenix man became trapped inside his SUV on Thursday after he lost control of the vehicle, causing it to roll over and strike a utility pole. In the process, the driver rear-ended another vehicle driven by a man named George Lindell, who later described the events to local Fox affiliate KSAZ-TV in this amazing interview that you must watch immediately. After all, "Reality hits you hard, bro." [MyFoxPhoenix; Thanks to Mike Byhoff for the tip]

A German company has won the right to register "ficken," which is the German word for "fuckin'," as a trademark in order to sell Ficken Likör—aka the People's Partyschnaps—as well as mineral water, other refreshing beverages, and clothing.

We haven't seen much of Charlie Sheen since earlier this year—when we didn't see much that wasn't Charlie Sheen—but the former Two and a Half Men star stopped by The Tonight Show on Thursday ahead of next Monday's airing of his Comedy Central roast.

The town of Conway, Arkansas is being haunted by a man who compliments women on their feet, then tries to suck on their toes. Is it the infamous "Toe-Sucking Fairy" of the 1990s, or some younger, copycat wannabe?

The hot dog statue seen lurking about Council Bluffs, Iowa has been reunited with its owner, who proved his ownership by showing the statue's arms to police. Teens who were "creeped out' by its leer" stole it, the man said.

Some white University of Montreal students who wore blackface and (in at least one case) Paul Frank monkey shorts to an Olympics-themed "sports and physical activity awareness" event were not trying to be racist (or insult Germans), guys! They were actually honoring a Jamaican running legend.

On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert's BFF for six months, Jimmy Fallon, stopped by to bask with him in the glory of their unlikely bond. But then they realized that their friendship was actually supposed to end 12 days ago, so the two men made haste to hate. Luckily for Colbert, at least, a new prospective BFF was already waiting in the wings, ready to take Fallon's place.

During Tuesday night's Republican presidential debate, Michele Bachmann attacked Texas Gov. Rick Perry for signing an executive order requiring teenage girls to be vaccinated against HPV, claiming the vaccine could cause mental retardation. Like most everything else she says, Bachmann was completely wrong. On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart and Kristen Schaal hilariously took her to task for it.