This actress cruises the free website looking for decorating bargains. This celeb cheated on her famous husband with her famous ex. And this star used to claim she was molested by the man who is now her husband. You can't even find something that creepy on Craigslist.
Sexually obsessed tabloid persona Andrea Peyser customarily writes her column by feeding her cat large quantities of GHB-laced Fancy Feast, and then allowing it to wander over her keyboard. Still, today's is even more laughable than usual. Who would have thought that a racist white lady would lionize a black Republican? Oh, everybody!
Who was Chan Holcombe, and how was he circumcised? Holcombe's pithy obituary doesn't provide a full answer to the first question, for how could it? Holcombe, who died in Fort Smith, Arkansas last week at age 72, surely lived a full and rich life. He'd served with the Air Force and eventually started his own business. He "caught a lot of crappie" during fishing trips on which he surely contemplated the universe and his place in it—each time coming to a slightly different conclusion, as proof of his evolution as a man. And he raised a family, which surely inspired countless reflections and emotional responses both fleeting and fundamentally life-changing. All that life experience can't be conveyed in just a few hundred words.
Libyan dictator-turned-fashion-forward fugitive Muammar Gaddafi died today after being wounded during today's fighting in his hometown of Sirte, say Libyan officials and Reuters. Gaddafi reportedly suffered wounds to both legs and was captured after being discovered in a hole. He reportedly begged a fighter not to shoot him.
Over the summer we told you how fading fuckwad Glenn Beck was fleeing the liberal north to go inhabit his own $20,000-a-month rental Alamo in Dallas. Well, he must feel at home in his new hometown, because now he wants to turn an old megachurch in the Dallas suburbs into the headquarters for GBTV.com—his subscriber-based Internet cry- and clown-porn channel.
The rogue, herpes-infected monkey who escaped from that exotic animal jail in Zanesville, Ohio—and subsequently ran from the sheriffs who shot up all its friends—was supposedly been eaten by one of the escaped big cats. "It looks like everything is taken care of," a conservationist told CNN. "There was one monkey left, and right now, we found a carcass of the monkey. We don't know if it was eaten." RIP, Last Monkey Standing.
Have you noticed a slight crispness in the atmosphere recently? A chilling edge to the breeze, a dry clarity to the air, a new rattle in the trees? It's fall, right? No! It's actually the looming apocalypse, which comes tomorrow, according to professional rapture-predictor Harold Camping.
On Monday, based on some random information he found on Wikipedia, Rush Limbaugh called President Obama's decision to deploy military advisers to Africa—part of an effort to combat the Lord's Resistance Army—a plot to "wipe out Christians." Limbaugh failed to note that the LRA is infamous for raping and murdering civilians, and although he noted the error the next day, he claimed he'd just learned of the atrocities. On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert explained Limbaugh's actions: "That's why it's called research; if you do it before, it's called pre-search."
It's been bad year for awesome dude Edward Forchion. Not only did his request to change his name to "NJWeedMan.com" get denied (thanks, Obama), but the packages of weed he sends to NJ Governor Chris Christie aren't getting through!
"My arch helps me to climax." That's what WPIX anchor Sukanya Krishnan said on Wednesday morning just before she fell to the ground during a segment about shoe designer Christian Louboutin's claim that high heels can help women orgasm. The jury may still be out on the orgasmic potential of a pair of Louboutins, but their ability to make someone topple over on live TV is now well-documented. [WPIX]
Looks like Rick Perry is on Mitt Romney's list! (Right after the guy from LMFAO.) Last night, of course, Perry got Romney to show his "horror movie stepfather" side by doggedly interrupting the GOP frontrunner. Tonight, the Romney campaign put a "brutal" attack ad on YouTube—and then mysteriously pulled it. Drama!
Tonight's South Park revolved around a new secret-spilling website called Eavesdropper, which has been ruining the lives of everyone in its gossipy path. To combat the problem, the kids set out to expose the person behind the site, later learning it was actually a blonde, wig-wearing gerbil named Wikileaks. Highlights of the episode are above.
Al Sharpton joined Jon Stewart on The Daily Show tonight. When the subject turned to Occupy Wall Street, Sharpton expressed his support for the movement, but Stewart wasn't quite as enthusiastic, taking issue with some of the protesters' attention-getting theatrics. Stewart also wondered about where Occupy Wall Street goes from here. "What they've done there is so unusual that it can't be ignored," Stewart started. But now that they've managed to capture the world's attention, we're left asking, "When are you going to change the world for us?"
The Taurunga oil spill off the coast of New Zealand unleashed 2,500 barrels of heavy fuel into a fragile ecosystem, coating thousands of local seabirds in oil. This puts many of them — particularly the mind-meltingly adorable Little Blue Penguin — at serious risk of freezing and/or being poisoned to death. We know, we know. After today's news from Ohio, there's only so much animal suffering you can take. But you can actually help, particularly if you know how to knit.
Look, times are tough, babies are dying all over the place, and those of us able to help really want to help. But before making your next roadside, dead-baby donation, we ask that you please be as discriminating as possible. Scrutinize those certificates, people!
Ricky Gervais loves the word "mong." It's the British equivalent of "retard," and comes from a shortening of "Mongoloid." He uses it all the time on his Twitter account, usually when referencing people he deems to be morons worthy of his contempt. He also likes to switch it up. Sometimes he'll say, "Good monging, everyone!" Others, he'll go, "Two mongs don't make a right." And then he'll just post pictures of himself making "mong faces." He's really taken with the whole "mong" theme!
The most exciting thing to happen to Zanesville, Ohio, like, ever has ended in the tragic massacre of dozens of exotic predators, all of whom escaped into heavy rains last night from a local resident's private, 73-acre reserve. With the lifeless body of that man, Terry Thompson (pictured), lying near their open cages, and no arks docked in nearby Lake Erie, it left something of a mystery as to what exactly had happened.
What a basketcase: Groupon has slashed its proposed valuation to $12 billion from $30 billion as it ramps up for an initial public offering. So if you're in the market for a technically insolvent online discounter with shady accounting, now is the time to buy! Goldman Sachs is involved, so you just know it's a good deal.
