After hearing eight hours of evidence in the case of Sandra Bland’s death, a grand jury in Waller County, Texas, declined to indict any county jail employees, KPRC 2 News reports.

On Monday, the East Hampton Star reports, a New York State Supreme Court judge ruled that Thomas Gilbert Jr., who is accused of murdering his father, a prominent hedge-fund manager, is mentally competent to stand trial. Also, he wrote a letter to the DA reminding him that they went to the same school.

Donald Trump, a man whose ire for the media has been matched only by his ire for minorities, extended a warm and loving olive branch to journalists this week: the promise that he will not, in fact, have them slaughtered.

A Baltimore judge has scheduled the retrial of Officer William Porter, who faces who faces manslaughter, second-degree assault, reckless endangerment, and misconduct charges in the death of Freddie Gray, for June. According to the Associated Press, five other officers are due to go on trial before then.

New York University, both the city’s largest school and its largest land-grabber, is finally ending its long tradition of awarding top administrators with lavish real estate. Just kidding—it’s actually doing the exact opposite.

In Afghanistan on Monday, six American troops were killed in what the Associated Press reports is the deadliest suicide attack on international forces there since August. The suicide bomber drove a motorcycle rigged with explosives into a joint NATO-Afghan patrol. Two Americans and an Afghan soldier were wounded.

R. Kelly went on HuffPost Live today to promote his new album The Buffet to the program’s hundreds of viewers. Within 20 minutes, he walked off the set, due to insistent questions about past sexual abuse allegations against him.

Three hundred and thirty-one days ago, former Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari announced that she was writing a book to be released sometime in the far distant future: “spring 2016.” She later specified that Balancing in Heels would be published in March. Guess what: former Laguna Beach star Lauren Conrad has a book coming out then, too.

In yet another classic campaign stunt, Hillary Clinton aide Chelsea Clinton has committed to a nine-month strategy guaranteed to win key votes with both women and Pinterest users everywhere. That’s right. The Clinton campaign is having a baby.

Teens are monsters. They’re emotionally stunted, mentally deficient, and refuse to stop joining ISIS. But in between all the rampant flakka use and finger-blasting, our garbage teens have had one hell of a year.

The only person who’s been able to humanize Megyn Kelly, a woman who once got into an argument on Fox News about whether Santa Claus is white, is Donald Trump, who dislikes her because she is a woman. The two will spar for our entertainment one more time during the January 28th GOP debate.

The upper class readers of Urban Baby seem to think that the universities with the most annoying graduates are Harvard, Notre Dame, and Duke. Huh... they’re right.

Fraternities are America’s great menace, but is weed to blame? According to administrators at the University of Alabama, sure. AL.com reports that the university has been “quietly” drug testing frat bros since the beginning of the school year as part of “a strict new anti-drug effort.”

If you thought teen millionaire Kylie Jenner voiced her unabashed support for the Black Lives Matter movement on Instagram today, you thought wrong, my friend. “Btw.. This is fake,” Kylie clarified on Twitter this afternoon. Also:

Hillary Clinton caused a stir over the weekend when, during the otherwise unremarkable Democratic debate, she showed up late to her podium after a commercial break. Her excuse: The bathroom was far and women take longer to pee anyway. Our assessment: A good president has to be able to hold it.

No contemporary white public figure has a more involved relationship to the word “nigger” than Quentin Tarantino. He’s used it in screenplays since the beginning of his directing career, he’s been criticized (and defended) by black peers for it, and he’s explained his rationale for it several times in a variety of ways. Americans are obsessed with the word “nigger,” a semantic memento of our country’s shameful founding legacy. But few white artists seem to me more obsessed than Tarantino.

In his first interview since bailing himself out on federal fraud charges, pharmaceutical warlord Martin Shkreli told the Wall Street Journal that he was only a big dumb butthead on the internet as a grand social experiment, which given the outcome, seems like it ended up being a very bad experiment.

As the educated among you well know, St. Augustine, Florida is our nation’s Oldest Continuously Occupied European Settlement. ALERT: do NOT fall for second-rate cities attempting to co-opt St. Augustine’s rightful title of Nation’s Oldest City.

Gasoline is now cheaper than milk. Stop using milk to fill up your cars—use gasoline instead.

Lindsey Graham, senator from South Carolina, announced this morning that he is “suspending my campaign for President.” It is a suspension the rest of us can safely assume is permanent.