Somebody called Carly Fiorina the “V-word,” according to Carly Fiorina. Oh no. What’s the V-word?

The Drudge Report just blared that New York City is the target of a “CREDIBLE THREAT DAYS AHEAD OF CHRISTMAS.” This terrorist plot is actually not true and BASED ON A FAULTY LOCAL NEWS REPORT DENIED BY THE NPYD. You may go back to worrying SLIGHTLY LESS THAN USUAL.

Earlier today, Hillary Clinton posted a fun, casual list to her campaign’s website entitled “8 Ways Hillary Clinton Is Just Like Your Abuela.” Then, not long after, the article suddenly featured a mere 7 ways Hillary Clinton was just like my abuela. ¡Que vergüenza!

In listening to New Mexico governor Susan Martinez argue with and vaguely threaten officers and security personnel who responded a noise complaint coming from her hotel room after her staff’s holiday party, one unconfirmed assumption could reasonably have been made: The governor was drunk.

You read that right.

Oberlin, a private college with a $50,000 tuition, has entered once more into this year’s Tedious Campus Culture War Debate. After hearing complaints that its sushi program wasn’t good enough for reasons of racism, the place of learning has issued an apology.

A California judge ruled today that a group of San Fransisco cops who exchanged racist and homophobic text messages about “monkeys,” “niggers,” “half breeds,” and other slurs will not face punishment, citing the statute of limitations.

This holiday season, one lucky D.C. thief nabbed him or herself a Secret Service starter pack, complete with a gun, badge, radio, handcuffs and flash drive. It’s a Christmas miracle, in that our president is still alive.

Earlier this month, Matt Drudge stepped out of his link-dump comfort zone to deliver a breathless, exclusive scoop: Leonardo DiCaprio is raped by a bear in his new film The Revenant. The story spread so quickly that a spokesperson for 20th Century Fox had to tell Entertainment Weekly that “there is clearly no rape scene with a bear.”

On Sunday, an 82-year-old woman called the police in Brown Deer, Wisconsin, because she heard her neighbor chanting “ISIS is good, ISIS is great” during sex. Authorities found no evidence that a terror plot was afoot, or even that the scary sex shouts happened at all, but nonetheless told the woman to call back if she heard anything else.

Martin Shkreli’s lawyer will have a white sand Christmas after a federal judge ruled he could spend his time out on bail out of the country with his family.

The New York Times published today the holiday cards of several Democratic senators and the C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S cards of their Republican counterparts. They basically look like the cards you get from your non-politician friends: some of them are lovely, and some of them suck sooo bad. We have ranked a select number of them below, to help you in voting and in life.

“Do you even vape?” the world seemed to ask of California Rep. Duncan Hunter this week. “Yes,” the Republican congressman responded with gusto. “I vape.”

Perhaps you’ve heard the news—a vulgar man used a vulgar word. Who cares?

Shapeless. Halfhearted. Diffident. Slipping. Unconvincing in the harsh light of the national stage. Observers may say these things about Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign. But no one can say these things about Marco Rubio’s hair.

Is Senator Marco Rubio running for president? Is that a stupid question? After all, there he was on stage last week in Las Vegas, speaking more than any candidate besides Cruz (he beat Trump!). He was, according to FiveThirtyEight, the most-attacked Republican candidate, too, which usually indicates frontrunner status. Except Marco Rubio isn’t a frontrunner in any poll, in any primary state; his popularity remains primarily theoretical. Is he actually doing anything to change that?

Another week, another bad headline for the country’s most successful whale jail.

Last week, the U.S. Attorney in Manhattan, Preet Bharara, filed a civil forfeiture complaint to take possession of a stolen dinosaur skull that a rogue paleontologist had smuggled into the United States from Mongolia and sold to a gallery where it was apparently won at auction by Nicolas Cage.

One of the six American troops killed in a suicide attack in Afghanistan on Monday was Joseph Lemm, a New York City police detective, the Associated Press reports.

When one thinks of a pristine ocean habitat, like a thriving ecosystem that has gone mainly unmarred by the creeping fingers of humans, one usually also thinks: “Hey I could really make some money here.”