The Steven J. Baum law firm, the awful New York foreclosure mill whose employees threw that homeless-themed Halloween party, is closing down just a month after pictures of the party were published by the New York Times. Bwahahahahahahahahaha.

With Ashton Kutcher, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Selena Gomez tech investing, it's no wonder startup founders are asking how to effectively spray tan. Dismiss it as a joke now, Silicon Valley, but in five years this'll be an actual issue.

Beware the turkey jihad! Unsuspecting families across Christian America will sit down to Thanksgiving dinner this week, completely unaware that they are about to feast on a bird that was slaughtered in accordance with Shariah law and will therefore give them Islamic cooties!

Newspapers, magazines, TV networks and online conglomerates are laying off journalists left and right, but even the sad crumbling world of professional news delivery has a fortunate one percent. This elite group now includes Ben Parr, whose employer Mashable, the tech blog, paid him a $250,000 retention bonus only to turn around and fire him. Meet the happiest unemployed journalist in the world!

In your merciless Monday media column: Bloomberg rules, Romenesko is back, the endless "off the record" debate, David Frum vs. Fox News, and Luke Russert's all grown up.

In case it wasn't obvious already, Herman Cain's brief outreach to the Muslim community to atone for his unending list of inflammatory statements is definitely over.

Who is to blame for the failure of our glorious experiment in government engineering, the Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction a.k.a. the supercommittee, to meet the public's desire for trillions of dollars in spending cuts and tax hikes that the public doesn't want? Our best guess is that it's the supercommittee that is to blame for the failure of the supercommittee. Others would disagree!

Mark your calendars! Alleged Wikileaker Bradley Manning has his first court date, 1 1/2 years after being imprisoned. A pre-trial hearing is scheduled for December 16th, where his defense team will "evaluate the relative strengths and weaknesses of the government's case" against him, according to a blog post by his lawyer, David E. Coombs.

VH1 just announced its new show from SallyAnn Salsano, the mastermind behind Zeitgeist inhaling reality show Jersey Shore, and we haven't been this excited since, well, we saw The Situation and the gang fist-pumping in the JS promos. Behold the genius of Mama Drama.

The CIA has basically lost its network of spies in Lebanon and suffered a major setback in its efforts to infiltrate Iran, all because it screwed up basic tradecraft—including communicating with spies on trackable cell phones and using the indecipherable code word "PIZZA" to denote planned meetings at a Beirut Pizza Hut.

Here's what stupid uneducated people imagine that college literature professors do: teach. Har har, stupid ignorant idiots! Here is what college literature professors actually do: write obscure papers that nobody will read. Now that's where it's at!

J.Lo was getting dirty in public with her new 20-something boytoy. Oscar de la Hoya likes it in the butt. Bethenny Frankel's cocktail may not be as pure as she thinks. Robert Wagner thought Natalie Wood was messing around the night she died. Monday's gossip lost its virginity a long time ago.

Just in case you missed last week's BlackBerry Holiday Hall of Fame series on Gizmodo, we've conveniently compiled it right here for you. Click through the gallery above to check out all of BlackBerry's new devices, and find the one that's perfect for your needs. Think of it as an early holiday gift. Really, it's the least we could do.

Oh man, did you see that cop casually pepper spraying those kids at UC Davis? Horrible! Thankfully we live in the Internet Age, where every news event, no matter how dire, is instantly transformed into an amusing meme.

Some variety of factory-farmed meat product: it's "what's for dinner"—for the wealthy! Americans, who, on the whole, are not wealthy, are eating less meat these days, due to both high prices and the fact that edible meat products are hard to come by while dumpster diving. Big Meat companies are posting their earnings this week, and it's not looking good, according to the WSJ. They're being squeezed on all sides, like a pig in a crate.

These actresses made the ends meet with the world's oldest profession. This actress is ashamed of her old job. And this actress is running a welfare scheme. They all work hard for their money, so you better treat them right!

Say what you want about Jennifer Lopez—go ahead, we'll wait until you're done saying those things. Finished? OK, cool—but there's no denying that she can obliterate the stage at a televised event. Her relentless medley of "Until It Beats No More," "Papi," and "On The Floor" at last night's inconsequential American Music Awards took advantage of every award show performance convention ever: the ballad-as-intro, the choreographed dance breakdown, the rap cameo (by Pitbull), the gradual costume strip show. She even managed to squeeze a Fiat commercial into the middle of it.

Let's all read this one together, in unison: "We don't mean to brag, but we've been Occupying Wall Street for 227 years."- BNY Mellon, in ad that a WSJ reporter photographed at last Friday's Financial Follies, the super hilarious funny night of things that people who work in and cover finance think are hilarious. "Headquartered in New York, BNY Mellon has $25.9 trillion in assets under custody or administration and $1.2 trillion under management"

Ever since the mediapocalypse that occurred simultaneously with the overall economy-pocalypse, the magazine industry has been, shall we say, not at its best. The financially weaker magazines died off at an alarming rate; the survivors, shaky or not, assumed that they were the strong ones, destined to emerge from the hard times with renewed vigor, ready to soar to ever greater heights as the wounded economy began its healing process.

Stating that he's "appalled" by Friday's pepper-spraying of peaceful University of California-Davis protesters—an incident that sparked public outrage (and led to two three cops being placed on paid leave)—UC system president Mark Yudof has ordered an urgent review of police procedures at all 10 UC campuses. Good!