Lecherous bisexuality victim Ashton Kutcher reportedly attempted to win back the affections of his fair maiden Demi Moore by gifting her with a $100,000 Lexus just two days before International Demi Moore's Birthday Day, celebrated the world over on November 11.

Remember Kayvan Sabeghi, the 32-year-old Iraq and Afghanistan war veteran and Occupy Oakland protester who was hospitalized for a lacerated spleen after being beaten by baton-wielding Oakland cops? A witness has come forward with video footage of Sabeghi's police encounter, and it's pretty awful.

One morning not long ago, Fort Bend (Texas) District Attorney John Healey was sitting at his kitchen table and updating his to-do list: "Make pozole for office party? Check. Pay mortgage? Check. Buy dog food? Check. Indict that dude Richard for murder?... Aw, crap."

Pepper spray has become the Kim Kardashian of chemical agents: Irritating to mostly everyone who encounters it, it has nevertheless become ubiquitous in the press due to its omnipresence in real life. And just like Kim (and her clan), its overuse has even inspired an online opposition movement.

Every day, celebrities across the world are followed and photographed by the omnipresent paparazzi, often to entertaining results. Here are some of our favorite shots from the past week.

The Pakistan's Telecommunications Authority has issued a list of 1,700 words it considers "offensive and obscene," and has demanded that mobile providers begin filtering them from text messages as of Monday. The list, which contains hundreds of familiar swear words as well as some truly puzzling choices, is meant to curb SMS spamming, according the PTA, which it defines as "the transmission of harmful, fraudulent, misleading, illegal or unsolicited messages in bulk to any person without express permission of the recipient."

Who's excited for the most trample-riffic day of the shopping year? Not me. But if ever there was a match made in marketing heaven, it's Black Friday and Rebecca Black's brain-corroding earworm of a viral hit, "Friday." It's the meme that won't die, on the day that won't end (for America's retail employees, that is). Hit it, Kohl's! [via Adrants]

This is me writing the lede to a post that features a video of Arnold Schwarzenegger's DVD commentary for Total Recall. This is me telling you that Schwarzenegger's commentary is literal to the point of hilarity. This is me highlighting the great moment of the sweat running down, which gives it away. Here it is. [via Reddit]

Stephanie Madoff Mack, widow of Bernie Madoff's son Mark, has written a book — The End of Normal: A Wife's Anguish, A Widow's New Life — about losing a husband to suicide after he played a central and implicit role in the biggest financial fraud in history. (First sentence: "Every night before going to sleep, I put a fresh towel down on my side of the bed, knowing it will be drenched with perspiration by the time I bolt awake, precisely and without fail, at 3:51 in the morning." Imagine the audiobook, voiced by the author, lulling you to sleep!)

Michigan Democratic Rep. Dale Kildee, 82, has issued a strongly worded denial of accusations made by the mother of a male cousin, who says her son was sexually abused by the longtime congressman 50 years ago.

Say hello to Jose Pimentel! Jose, 27, pictured at right, lives in New York City with his mom, enjoys the Internet, and—according to "his friends" (the mainstream media)—is a "loner." Oh, and he was just arrested for allegedly making pipe bombs for terroristic purposes.

The Occupy Wall Street protesters who had planned to throw a 24-hour drum circle party (a violation of several United Nations human rights treaties) outside NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg's Manhattan manse didn't quite make it thanks to NYPD officers and barricades. Undaunted, they held their percussive party down the street. A sax player and a cowbell armada showed up to provide ... well, not rhythms. How about sounds? Yes, sounds.

Back in 2009, Charles Cleveland Nowden was busted at a Fort Worth movie theater for trying to purchase a lethal junk-food combo meal—two hot dogs, two cokes, and popcorn—with a counterfeit $20. This week, he received an 80-year prison sentence. Fort Worth's snack community is safe again!

If it weren't for the Arabic-language chyron, you might have trouble telling whether this video—in which riot-gear police beat protesters with batons and drag a protester by the hair through the streets—was shot in Cairo or on a University of California campus. Even the background graffiti is written in American!

First Lady Michelle Obama was a NASCAR Grand Marshal at today's Ford 400 (so was her sidekick, Second Lady Jill Biden), so she naturally received a warm welcome from patriotic NASCAR fans. Kidding! She got booed.

Upon realizing the pedogogical potential of Russell Brand's dirty prank calls, the headmaster of a hoity-toity north London school incorporated them into an English exam that was then administered to 14-year-old students. Now he doesn't understand why are some of the kids' parents are so upset about this.

Two of the police officers involved in Friday's casually psychopathic pepper-spraying incident at UC Davis have been placed on administrative leave, reports the Associated Press. Paid or unpaid leave? The AP doesn't say. Update: Paid. Either way, they can now unwind from all that confrontational peace-keeping!

The Great Wall of China has long been said to be the only man-made structure visible from space. Well, guess what, commies? America's got its own space-visible man-made structure: a mound of discarded tires in Calhoun County, South Carolina.

Alaska Congressman Don Young, who has trouble showing up for work, actually rode his snowmobile all the way to Washington to attend Friday's House Natural Resources Committee hearing and say swear words, most notably in the direction of fancy historian Douglas Brinkley.

Mila Kunis finally gets her Marine Ball. Prince Harry is still partying in Las Vegas (and going to Cirque Du Soleil). Tareq Salahi is suing Michaele Salahi and Neal Schon for inscrutable reasons. Sunday gossip looks like an alien.