Get this: Fox News is—gasp!—not all that informative, according to Fairleigh Dickinson University's latest PublicMind poll.

Attention! If you landed a plane at the Houston Executive Airport in Texas on Monday, and then disappeared, the police would like to talk to you. About the fact that your plane is filled with marijuana.

Are you afraid of Jose Pimentel, the "lone wolf terrorist" arrested by the NYPD this weekend in what was absolutely not a transparent bid to distract from Occupy Wall Street with good publicity? No? What if we told you he smoked weed and tried to circumcise himself? Frightened now?

Here's Mitt Romney's first television ad! It is fantastic, in the sense that it manages to encapsulate, in the span of one minute, the entire Romney "brand": boring, wrong, nonspecific and slightly dishonest. (It's not so fantastic in the "at all engaging to watch" sense.)

One week after conducting an unbearable telephone interview with accused Penn State child rapist Jerry Sandusky on NBC's Rock Center, Bob Costas returned to the program tonight to talk about what's coming next. "There has to be more," said Costas, speculating on both the breadth of the accusations against Sandusky, as well as how much former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno knew about them without ever taking action. "There will be more."

On Sunday, a man standing outside the train station in Gothenburg, Sweden, "suddenly caught on fire," according to a witness. Police have no idea who he is. Welcome to another weekend in the country that brought you Girl With the Dragon Tattoo!

Tonight, Fox News hosts Bill O'Reilly and Megyn Kelly got to talking about a UC Davis police officer's appalling use of pepper spray on nonviolent protesters over the weekend. Guess what direction the conversation took!

"Ornelas advised that she was extremely upset with her boyfriend because she did not see the movie Twilight like they were suppose too [sic]." — Eighteen-year-old Olivia Ornelas explains why she was driving drunk with no right front tire.

Today we learned that our favorite college English lit professor was just in it for the money! Or rather, for the opportunity to research, write and publish. All those college professors never cared about us at all! Oh, the heartbreak. One commenter put his English education to use in a convenient little explanation:

Who says only dirty hippies show up to the Occupy Everywhere protests? Why, down in Houston, they had a guy dressed in "business casual"! Of course, he was firing a rifle into the air, and was shot in the ankle by police officers. But, c'mon: it's Texas.

Cheer up! Sure, it's a Monday, and Mondays are the living worst, but it's the Monday before Thanksgiving which means it's a short week. And a week of festive Thanksgiving-themed specials on TV!

Bravo is all set to announce plans to take Andy Cohen's Half-Hour Make Me Famous Hour from its current Sunday and Monday airings to five nights a week. His plan for global media domination is working! Yes, Watch What Happens Live will now run Sunday through Thursday.

Facebook wants you to trust it to live in your pocket wherever you go, to get inside your GPS-enabled cell phone. That's a bold request from a company famous for its flagrant privacy violations. But Facebook is charging ahead.

UC Davis Chancellor Linda P.B. Katehi apologized to a group of students for last week's casual pepper spray incident, saying "I feel horrible for what happened on Friday." She's not going to resign, but UC Davis' police chief Annette Spicuzza has been placed on leave.

Badly! Presidential candidate and congresswoman Michele Bachmann's new memoir Core of Conviction is out, and Mother Jones' Tim Murphy has read it, for some reason. Here are some of the wrong things Bachmann wrote in her book, about herself.

In case you don't follow international politics (and I know you don't), the right-wing Popular Party won the elections in Spain over the weekend. Here is one couple who came up with a very inventive and sexxxy way to protest the party who promises to repeal same-sex marriage rights.

Mitt Romney is a good Mormon, a model member really, who does not drink alcohol or coffee or smoke tobacco. Sorry, let me fix that: Mitt Romney was a good Mormon, or at least considerd such, until today. He's come clean and admitted that he has, in fact, imbibed death juice and — dare we say it? — puffed a death puffer. Another flip-flop, and one that could land him an eternity on whatever distant sulfuric planet it is (Delaware?) that they keep Mormon Hell on these days.

Acupuncture kids! Stem cells! Text bullies! Boundary effect! Pig drugs! Tainted jerky! Elderly pain! Light brains! And the super Greek diet that will save us all! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—pointedly!

Hugh Grant added some star power to the phone hacking scandal today when he appeared on the stand in London to tell everyone that he thinks his phone was hacked. He's not sure it was hacked, but he has a sneaking suspicion. It appears that is enough to testify these days.

Newt Gingrich is just a factory of rich, intellectual, stimulating ideas that no one has ever considered before, as Newt Gingrich is the only person who meets the intelligence threshold necessary to conceive him. Gingrich himself has been telling us this for 30 years, and finally — finally — we cretins have agreed to coronate him as president. Sorry, to keep you waiting, sir! Now that we've come to our senses, let's look at some of the impeccable policy ideas perfected each day in the Gingrich Idea Cave that will make it to the Gingrich Administration.