Way back in September, a couple of Long Island dummies were busted for paying 19-year-old Emory University student Sam Eshaghoff to take the SATs for them. Now it seems everyone is cheating on the damn test!

Imagine waking up in D.C. this morning and having to muddle your way to the Metro (it's what they call the subway) and go to your government job. Yeah, that totally sucks. Then when you get to the subway you grab a free copy of The Examiner, the Capitol's free commuter newspaper, and it has this headline. Your day just got a little awesomer!

Sure, why the fuck not? "Donald Trump is pairing up with Newsmax, the conservative magazine and news Web site, to moderate a presidential debate in Des Moines on Dec. 27." The Republican party's finally getting serious. (WOW.)

A few years ago, some dude actually found his "dream girl"—meaning some pretty girl he happened to spot on the New York subway—by drawing a picture of her, making a website, and watching it go viral. That had, at least, the whiff of being a clever idea with a happy ending. Then there's this.

Last week, CW reality star and Maxim UK pin-up Devorah Rose tweeted a suggestive message about Salman Rushdie. Asked about his relationship with Devorah, Rushdie told Page Six that he was "mortified" to be connected to her. When Devorah heard that, she went nuclear and gave copies of her Facebook interactions with Rushdie to several gossip outlets.

The internet—a series of tubes functioning as a miraculous fusion of the Library of Alexandria, the Grand Bazaar of Istanbul, the Agora of Athens, and Times Square circa 1986—is arguably mankind's greatest achievement. Fittingly, Americans mostly use it to waste time.

Herman Cain, who's currently having a conversation with his wife that unfortunately isn't available on pay-per-view, sent a note to supporters last night directing them to a new website feature: "Encouragement for Herman Cain." Aww, the poor guy's suicidal.

The feel-good story of the Christmas season: A news anchor in Chicago went on a rant about how Santa isn't real during her 9:00pm broadcast, brutally destroying the innocence of thousands of young Midwesteners.

The collective gay hive mind has given all sorts of crap to people who use the f-word (as in "fag"), like Brett Ratner and Kobe Bryant, but even gay men walk around calling our closest female friends "fag hags." Well, it's time for an alternative.

Scarlett hates Blake for monopolizing Ryan Reynolds. Brad Pitt counsels a suicidal actor. Kourtney Kardashian isn't getting married. Tareq Salahi wants to canoodle Kate Gosselin. Friday gossip stands in a circle and chants "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Puppies and law school go together like leeches and community college. They're just a natural pair. Modern law school is little more than a slow process of coming to the realization that you really never should have gone to law school in the first place. What to do when the inevitable depression sets in? Play with dogs! Dogs, dogs, dogs. Dogs will take the pain away.

Ban happy nanny state San Francisco thought they could get rid of the Happy Meal by passing a law that says meals that don't pass certain nutritional standards can't be marketed to children or give away free toys. Please. There is no stopping corporate giant McDonald's.

No big news yesterday, nothing to worry about, just one of the world's most successful investors warning that the developed world's economy is falling into a "deflationary debt trap" and "ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE" AAAAAGGGHHHHH:

Sultry singer Lana Del Rey started kicking up a ton of controversy on music blogs before she even had a single out. Here's the thing: she's really good. Here's her latest song, "Born to Die."

Looking for more proof that America's overall masculinity level is now somewhere down around Switzerland's panty line, these days? Fewer than one in five Americans now are smokers. Including girls, even. How can we fix this? One tobacco company has an idea: "cigarettes." The cigars of a new generation!

This actress is waiting to announce she's pregnant until she figures out who the daddy is. This reality star is trying to discredit a blogger for writing about her dirty past, this reality star likes her images Photoshopped, and this actor is cheating on his wife. Could he be the babydaddy?

Borders, America's second biggest book store chain, died this summer, its red-trimmed outlets sinking inexorably into a savage sea of red ink. (Beat that lede, Wall Street Journal!) For Barnes & Noble, the most popular book chain, this could be interpreted as good news: its biggest competitor was gone. Or, bad news: book stores are a dying industry.

On Thursday, Lady Gaga debuted the music video for her latest single, "Marry the Night." Directed by Gaga herself and clocking in at just under 14 minutes, the epic mini-movie begins with a defeated Gaga being wheeled on a gurney into the psychiatric ward of a hospital. "I'm gonna be a star," she says.

A 52-year-old man and a teenaged boy from Ohio stand accused of some truly nightmarish crimes: They allegedly placed a Craigslist ad searching for someone to earn $300 a week to "watch over a 688 acre patch of hilly farmland and feed a few cows."

As his lawyer fought with Piers Morgan on CNN, Herman Cain granted an extended interview to longtime friend Sean Hannity tonight, and—in a rare moment of somewhat effective communication—announced he'll decide by Monday whether or not to continue his campaign. The rest of the interview, though, was classic Cain: a giant mess of half-brained half-truths that cause secondhand embarrassment for everyone else. Here are the worst (and therefore best) four minutes.