Here's yet another reason that a viable Newt Gingrich presidential candidacy is in America's best comedic interests: It brings out his fellow scumbag crooks that he's worked with over the years to pledge their loyalty for his Restoration.

A round of applause, please, for Abner and Harper Willis, two heartbreakingly earnest brothers from Maine, who have done more to help the economy than anyone we know by spending $109,000 at a variety of American businesses, all in a quest to become indie rock stars. "The School of Rock is expensive," they warn their readers. "Then again, class can be a lot of fun, and some of the homework is pretty cool."

Before her reported whip-it induced hospitalization, a "pretty hyper" Demi Moore was also "taking Adderall and drinking energy drinks and starving herself," Radar claims. Whip-its, anorexia, Red Bull, Adderall. It's like she was pledging with a second-tier sorority at Florida State. [Radar, E!, image via Getty]

Your daily reminder that teenagers are monsters: An 18-year-old Kenny Clements is suing his high school newspaper for using a photo of his face to illustrate a factually dubious article about STDs. ("Two-thirds of the U.S. population under the age of 22 has an STD"? Need source, Diana Santacruz.)

Retiring Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank will marry his longtime partner Jim Ready, a handyman from Maine. Congratulations. Ready is known for being occasionally hilarious, like when he called a couple of drunk, harassing ophthalmologists "bitchy" on an airplane.

John Dancler, the L.A. "parking enforcement official" who made a pornographic movie while on duty and in uniform, had a civil service hearing this week to beg for his job back. A hearing examiner was forced to scrutinize "every frame" of Dancler's movie, then quizzed him about "slapping her behind." Awk-ward.

Except for that one clip of the two teenage girls fighting out back in the circle pit while the mother encourages them on, this one from a Newt Gingrich rally is about as good as videos of annoying Floridians being annoying (at length) come. This lady shows up and heckles Gingrich monotonously and without interruption for minutes — the first couple of which Gingrich engages her — while she staves off everyone calling her a moron, an asshole, and so on, until the camera is swatted away.

Wheel of Fortune host and stealth tea partier Pat Sajak gave an interview to ESPN 2's Dan Le Batard and revealed that he and Vanna White used to get so drunk on the set of their show, they "had trouble recognizing the alphabet."

Hollywood Reporter via NYDN: "After months of headaches over stars Bradley Cooper, Zack Galifanakis and Ed Helms' $15 million-plus contract demands, Warner Brothers is nearing a deal" for The Hangover III. Hollywood will not stop until it grinds this franchise into the ground, sucking every last dollar and ounce of humor from Zach Galifanakis' slowly draining soul. Not a bad way to go, all things considered. [image via Warner-Brothers]

Perhaps you have heard the news about this, the most destabilizing political scandal to hit American politics since Teapot Dome: President Obama and Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer had a modest disagreement about her new book, Scorpions for Breakfast, on the tarmac yesterday. The photographers even captured her pointing at him. What is everyone's problem?

It was Joe Biden in a tuxedo. Kidding! It was an African blackfooted penguin, and it was hanging out at the Kentucky State Senate during a vote about the local aquarium it calls home. Senate President David Williams reported interrupted a colleague's speech to announce, "The penguin... just defecated on the floor."

Mixed feelings about the Antwerp Zoo's newborn baby aardvark. On one hand, it is a snuffling baby animal of exotic origin. On the other hand, it resembles the alien offspring of a naked mole rat and a hand-held vacuum cleaner. [Zooborns]

One of the creepier corners of Mitt Romney's uncannily flawless life story is the fact that he not only drew his bride, Ann Romney, over to his weird religion: He converted her entire family as well. This despite the fact that Ann's father, Edward Davies, was a committed atheist who insisted on raising his children without religion.

When it comes to paranoia, certain environments are more fertile than others. Yale University, gothic bastion of secret societies and birthplace of the C.I.A., is among America's most fertile.

Meet Rita Lawlor. She is seven years old, and recently received an award from the Sarasota County Fire Department for saving her mother's life. Upon finding her mother unconscious in their home, little Rita "called 911, but first I slapped her with a piece of pizza." [Buzzfeed, MySunCoast]

Laughably lame right-wing filmmaker James O'Keefe III is thinking about suing (broke) liberal website Salon "for their false and malicious reporting." I know this because he asked me, an employee at a liberal website he considers his enemy, for advice.

The security camera video of Kentucky Senator Rand Paul's encounter with Nashville airport TSA agents is here, complete with wacky libertarian captions, so now you can make your own determination about how full of shit he was when he told his communications manager he was being detained by the TSA. Our verdict: still totally full of shit.

The public relations industry is, in general, an ongoing battle for attention between the calculating evil villains and the merely buffoonish clowns. We will do our part to expose awful PR practitioners in our weekly PR Dummies column. Let us give them the attention they want. Bad, bad attention.

Nobody seemed to know that Demi Moore was a wild whip-it party monster until she was hospitalized for a rumored whip-it induced seizure this week. Now that we know, though, the tabloids are doing catch-up. Here's all the wild whip-it partying they forgot to tell us about until now:

This famous music man keeps a bevy of beautiful women on the payroll. They're not for his pleasure, they're to lure in new artists. This actress doesn't want to keep her baby and another actress' famous husband is cheating with the nanny. See the trouble that happens when there are babies around?