YouTuber EITANNOYZE sets the scene:

What are teens "screwing" up now, literally, more or less, ha ha? Teen pregnancy. Easiest god damn thing in the world. Takes nothing more than peer pressure, lax parenting, and copious amounts of "sizzurp." Still, kids these days can't even get that right.

On tonight's Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert gave up trying to find an alternative to Mitt Romney and instead turned his attention to helping Mitt pick a running mate. Colbert has some thoughts on potential candidate Iowa congressman Steve King, with whom Colbert has some experience. The guy hates gays and the disabled, what's not to love?

Surely I'm not the only one who has jokingly replaced my surname with Alec Baldwin's — you know, just to see how it sounds. But Baldwin's stalker Genevieve Sabourin sent him "a series of annoying and unsolicited communications" that likely turned him off to any potential marriage, even though she went ahead and took his name.

When it came to light last week that NBC had edited the content of George Zimmerman's 911 call the night he killed Trayvon Martin - an edit which strongly implied a racial bias via an excised question - Fox News went into full on outrage mode. On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart took a survey of their coverage and found it came up quite short, especially when they claimed some sort of righteous adherence to the truth.

The Mega Millions winner in Maryland has come forward to receive his or her share of the record-breaking $656 million jackpot, but the person's identity will not be released. The Maryland ticket was one of three winners in the country.

While Whitney Houston's funeral was invite-only, all of the citizens of Newark will end up contributing more than they realized. The city will have to pay its police force $187,000 in overtime.

Seventh grader Jeremy Wuitschick got to drive and be a hero in the same day: the 13-year-old took control of the school bus after the driver fainted, successfully navigating 15 fellow students to safety.

After weeks of silence, George Zimmerman has emerged with his own website: therealgeorgezimmerman.com. Zimmerman's lawyers have confirmed that the site is legitimate.

John Steel, known to finger art aficianados the world over as The King of South Carolina, demonstrates the deft digit dexterity that earned him his self-anointed crown.

On the Australian edition of Wheel of Fortune, a contestant named Matt adheres to the the old adage: If at first it's not 'T' for Tom, try, try 'T' for Tom again.

After publishing an article advising his children to avoid black people, writer John Derbyshire lost his column at uber-conservative magazine The National Review and weathered a firestorm of outrage this weekend. Nonetheless, after undergoing his regularly scheduled chemotherapy treatment for Chronic Lymphomatic Leukemia this morning, an unperturbed Derbyshire agreed to a Gawker Q&A. His only request: That we publish his answers exactly as he wrote them. We agreed, and have not edited him.

I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, this is the cutest thing you will ever see. The bad news is, this is the cutest thing you will ever see.

Last night's premier of The Client List, Lifetime's made-for-TV-movie-turned-made-for-TV-show, saw Jennifer Love Hewitt scampering about in lacy lingerie giving handjobs. It's interesting then, that a show whose plot centers around Happy Endings would opt for a more modest promotional ad.

Mark Judge is a white guy. He lives in DC. He had a bike. A few days ago, his bike was stolen. He doesn't know who stole his bike. But the theft of his bike does have a silver lining: it has freed Mark Judge to be a racist, from now on. Huzzah!

A brand new day dawns on North Korea's City upon a Silent Hill, and with it a brand new realization that this still isn't all just a terrible dream.

It's a Monday afternoon and you could use a little pick me up. You've earned it. Why not take a gander at this excellent tumblr, featuring Ms. Chanandler Bong dancing on various nouns. What fun! There he is dancing on the Pope. Now he's on Nyan Cat. Hey don't look now, but there he is on some Nutella. Ha that Chandler Bing, he's really going for it.

We wrote about Nicki Minaj last week, but I don't think I properly salivated over this little monster, which had its video debut over the weekend. Minaj's laid-back (though varied) delivery underscores the innate greatness she's claiming and the track is ferocious despite being a deceptively calm design of ricocheting sonar sounds and growling sub-bass. It's all testament to the virtue of not trying to hard, and as such, it's the first Nicki-led song that I've found compulsively listenable. Even if this is the only good thing to come out of Roman's Revenge, the otherwise underwhelming project will have been worth it.

Earlier this week, The Beyoncé tumblr went live. And there was much rejoicing: across the web, gossip sites and news organizations alike trumpeted her decision to cultivate a web presence. Various articles figure the "release" of the site in vaguely mystical terms: Beyoncé celebrated her fourth anniversary with Jay-Z on April 4th (4/4); she was "born" onto the web on 4/5.

A bunch of us here at Gawker Media have received letters recently containing nothing but this single photocopied montage of magazine covers bearing the words, "WALL ST. JEWS."