This morning’s New York Times had two front-page stories about politics that were really one story. One was about the fact that Republicans who identify as evangelical Christians are rallying behind the aggressively impious figure of Donald Trump. The other was about how Hillary Clinton’s campaign is desperately trying to get ready for a prolonged state-by-state nominating contest against Bernie Sanders.

GOP candidates definitely know that “Malala” is the name of a prominent person that exists. This much we know. GOP candidates do not, however, seem to have any idea who Malala Yousafzai is—or in Jeb Bush’s case, that she is not, in fact, Barack Obama’s daughter.

Three hundred and sixty days ago, reality TV personality Kristin Cavallari commenced—I assume—furious work on her debut book Balancing on Heels. Since then, she has changed the title to Balancing in Heels; today, for the first time ever, she provided a clear picture of what will be included in the book. This:

Perhaps you remember a time, two years ago, when the U.S. National Reconnaissance Office released its new mission logo, an enormous tentacled monster covering the earth with its sucker-lined legs. Perhaps it reminded you of a comic-book villain from your youth. Perhaps you were only vaguely familiar of the NRO before then, and have since come to think of them only as “the scary octopus guys.” Now, thanks to a Freedom of Information Act request by security researcher Runa Sandvik, highlighted at MuckRock today, we know a bit more about how the scary octopus logo came to be.

People these days are drinking less soda, because that shit will kill you. Hey asshole: that’s all over now. Because Coca-Cola has a new slogan—and marketing strategy—that you need to know about—right now—amazing.

Today is a big day for Sarah Palin. She is in Iowa to endorse Donald Trump, which will shore up Trump’s standing with Real Americans and once again give the Palin family a moment in the national spotlight. But things back home aren’t as rosy: Last night, Palin’s son, Track, was charged in Wasilla on domestic violence and weapons charges.

The latest issue of Dabiq, the Town & Country of the bloodthirsty would-be caliphate, just arrived. Included, along with the usual rote propagandizing and tasteful page layouts, is an obituary for the masked militant known as Jihadi John, whose video executions helped make ISIS a household name in terror.

In a blog post about her mother and Ted Cruz today, Bristol Palin admitted the following: “I didn’t go to Harvard Law School, but I know this: You can like two people in a race, but there will only one president.”

You may remember State Rep. Mike Pitts of South Carolina from his defeated efforts to keep the Confederate flag flying at the South Carolina State House last year. The intense media scrutiny of those efforts seem to have inspired a fairly cowardly response: According to the text of a bill he verbally introduced at the State House in Columbia today, Pitts wants to establish a government-run “responsible journalism registry” to screen, approve, and credential reporters and journalists in the Palmetto State—or else. The text of the bill’s summary reads (bolding ours):

You may know the shofar as a musical instrument of Jewish antiquity, traditionally blown in synagogues during Rosh Hashanah—but did you know that right now, in the frozen hinterland of the Pacific Northwest, the Oregon militiamen are blowing the HORNS OF FREEDOM as we speak?

Twelve years ago to the day, on January 19, 2004, former governor of Vermont Howard Dean stuck a microphone in his mouth and let loose a war cry the likes of which no single human being should have ever been able to create. And yet—Howard Dean screamed. Oh, how Howard Dean screamed.

ABC News anchor and media entrepreneur Dan Abrams has added a new legal affairs website to his Abrams Media empire, where it will join Mediaite, Gossip Cop, and The Mary Sue, among others. The name of the new outlet is LawNewz.com by Dan Abrams.

Thousands of famous and semi-famous people make money by posting photos of themselves with certain products on Instagram. Some people seem to make all their money this way—Lindsay Lohan, for example. Meanwhile, millions of other people also post photos of themselves on Instagram, often also near or with products, but get nothing in return. Instagram, its parent company Facebook, and Lindsay Lohan are all making money—why shouldn’t I get in on it too?

Donald Trump, a presidential candidate whose campaign has been a little too much even for former KKK grand wizard David Duke, received some perhaps unwelcome support this month in the form of a pro-Trump robocall from an openly white nationalist group. After a considerable amount of prodding, CNN’s Erin Burnett got the candidate to go on record disavowing the group’s endorsement last week, but according to its leader, there’s really no hard feelings at all.

Weiner is the title of a new documentary about the dismal 2013 New York City mayoral campaign of Anthony Weiner. Considering that Weiner’s run, like his tenure as a U.S. congressman before, was ended by a sexting scandal, the title seems like a mean and juvenile joke. But then again, that’s just his name: Weiner. Tough break, I guess. What are you gonna do? Anyway, the documentary sounds like it’s going to be excellent.

What makes this year more special than any other? This is the year that the very worst class war rhetoric becomes the reality.

On Sunday afternoon, Donald Trump took to his Facebook page to tease the “very special guest” attending his rally in Iowa later today. So after some quick eliminating of nearly everyone because who in their right mind would possibly align themselves with Trump, the internet settled on its most likely answer: frequent subject of McCain night terrors Sarah Palin.

Frankly, the Oregon militia boys are getting kind of boring. The authorities’ decision to avoid engaging with their antics is looking prescient: Without an enemy, the men occupying a federal wildlife reserve have been reduced from rifle-toting badasses to rifle-toting dildo whiners. So where to turn for your anti-federal government kicks now? Enter John Sturgeon, Alaska’s favorite hovercrafting moose hunter.

Remember Matthew Bissonnette (a.k.a. “Mark Owen”), the former Navy SEAL who helped find and kill Osama bin Laden, later wrote a book about it, and eventually came under federal investigation for allegedly mishandling classified material? Bissonnette’s increasingly complex legal ordeal initially involved the Department of Justice and U.S. Navy before it was handed over to the latter’s internal police force, the Naval Criminal Investigative Service, in the summer of 2014. The N.C.I.S. probe quickly threw the small community of elite military members into chaos. SOFREP, a website catering to that community, reported at the time: “The investigation has created a massive stir among the SEAL community. Rumors and accusations are flying on social media forums, lines in the sand have been drawn and friendships have ended.”

In New York magazine this week, Jonathan Chait attempts to make “The Case Against Bernie Sanders.” Allow us to un-make it.