If the average American had his way, every item that he encountered on a day-to-day basis—cars, household appliances, furniture, children—would be breaded, fried, and then cut into "chip" size for purposes of snacking convenience. Also, all of the aforementioned things would be made of chicken. The great folks in the fast food industry are doing everything in their power to make this "American Dream" come true.

CNN's Piers Morgan last night landed the first post-trial interview with "tot mom" Casey Anthony, but the latter would only agree to speak on the phone off-camera.

At long last, Americans can finally do their part to help out the Confederacy, or, anyway, the Museum of the Confederacy.

Just in time for Father's Day, CNN.com has published a groundbreaking exposé declaring that not all dads are the blundering, inept morons they are portrayed to be on comedy programs and in television commercials.

With the news that a dressage horse co-owned by Ann Romney might be heading to the Olympics, Stephen Colbert has a new favorite sport. He's so committed to what is obviously America's new pastime that he's even whipped up an exciting new anthem which is sure to entice every Joe Sixpack out there.

On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart turned to a source deep inside Guantanamo Bay prison to help explain what's happening down there and why it's, you know, still open. Yes, that's right, the show welcomed back Gitmo and all of his usual insights.

Have you always wanted to have dinner with Barack Obama and also have complete control over who else has dinner with Barack Obama because you love micromanaging his life?

London released its plans for the Olympic Games Opening Ceremony on Tuesday, and the world felt all the breath leave its body as it suddenly realized that London has no idea how to throw a cool party.

The good-natured doofuses from that remedial nighttime math class you took sophomore year, Burger King, have unveiled summer's latest punch line: a sundae that is both filled and garnished with bacon: "The Bacon Sundae."

For the first time since he arrived in Berlin last September claiming he had been living in the woods with his father for five years but doesn't remember anything else, the mysterious "Forest Boy" has allowed police to release a photo of his face in the hopes that someone will come forward and provide new insight into his identity.

When Jay-Z and Kanye West released Watch the Throne last year, they did so, at least in part, to glorify things. Thing-glorification is a pursuit with a rich and not wholly invalid history in mainstream rap music. And from its opulent golden cover to its braggadocio about cars, clothes, jewelry, and women, Watch the Throne makes sense in the way that Paula Deen using whole tubs of butter makes sense—Jay-Z and Kanye West are rich men who like to revel in rich things.

"Huge success" in the European theatre over the past three years has convinced A1 Concepts — distributors of an innovative pizza vending machine that prepares pies from scratch in 2.5 minutes flat — to set up shop in America.

Shellie Zimmerman, the wife of Trayvon Martin's killer George Zimmerman, was charged today with lying to a judge about her husband's finances at his bond hearing.

British dance (I'm sorry, I have to do it: Britlectro) band Hot Chip's fifth album In Our Heads is commercially available in the U.S. today and it's...OK? Kind of divisive? They definitely commit to making classic-inflected house without a trace of irony, but the dweebish voice of Alexis Taylor (the more active of the band's two singers) clashes in a way that keeps me from loving the band entirely. I much prefer the non-dance moments, such as the electronic ballad "Look at Where We Are," which sports an earnestness that seems not out of place at all. Dig that terrific pitch-bending around the 1:40 mark.

To coincide with the release of Oceania — the upcoming studio album from the latest iteration of the Smashing Pumpkins (now featuring the girl from the cover of Siamese Dream!) — frontman Billy Corgan decided to drum up some publicity by picking a fight with Radiohead.

Trans bombshell Carmen Carrera, best known as the fourth runner-up of RuPaul's Drag Race Season 3, is asking TLC's Cake Boss to apologize after her appearance on last night's episode. Carrera appeared on the show to participate in a prank set up by Buddy "Cake Boss" Valastro and directed at Anthony "Cousin Anthony" Bellifemine. Basically, the prank was to convince Anthony to flirt with Carrera and then reveal that Carrera is a trans woman and go, "Haha, you like a trans woman."

Why do celebrities publicly endorse certain consumer products? Usually, it's because some company gives them a staggering amount of money to do so. But not Jay-Z—he does it because he really believes in the Duracell Powermat battery-charging device:

Chadwick John Dillon is not your average knight. For one thing, he's not a knight at all.

Even though Lindsay Lohan is currently shooting both Liz and Dick and Lady In A Porsche Smushed Against An 18-Wheeler simultaneously, novelist Bret Easton Ellis announced last night that she has also won a part in the forthcoming film he wrote The Canyons, which is not a about large chasms in the earth created by running water. Lohan will star with America's current male porn person of note, James Deen, and be required to do things and have things done to her simulating real live humping, like this, says the The Daily Mail:

The Wall Street Journal announced today that reporter Gina Chon, who was revealed by recently leaked emails to have slept with a National Security Council Iraq expert while covering that country, has resigned.