You should really watch this short video of DMX trying to figure out Google. It's amazing.

Wayne Watson (pictured above, imitating a bag of popcorn) was awarded $7 million today in a lawsuit he filed after being diagnosed with "microwave popcorn lung," which is a real thing. Watson was diagnosed with the respiratory disease in 2007, after eating two bags of artificially flavored popcorn a day for years.

An actress from Innocence of Muslims is suing to have the film's trailer removed from YouTube.

Or they're malingering strikers. Either way, American Airlines is canceling 300 flights this week due to pilots calling in sick. There's also been a sharp increase in flight crews filing maintenance paper work, which has caused further flight cancelations. It seems as though the pilots are striking because of an unfavorable deal their union, the Allied Pilots Association, reached with American Airlines management. The new deal calls for more flying hours while rejecting equity or pension contributions for the pilots. But union officials deny any sort of organized action.

A new Gallup poll shows that 36% of registered voters are less likely to vote for living, breathing political embarrassment and Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney after hearing his incredibly obtuse "47%" comments. Of course, twenty percent of voters all but admitted they were awful by saying they were now more likely to vote for Romney after his remarks, which actually seems low, all things considered.

A cleric in Iran went crying to the country's state-run Mehr News Agency after a run-in with a woman who responded to his repeated requests to cover up by kicking the crap out of him.

United States President Barack Obama paid his respects to Queen Bey and her manservant Jay-Z at a $40,000-a-head campaign fundraiser hosted by the couple at Jay-Z's 40/40 club last night. These three probably email one another all the time.

Cecilia Giménez, the 85-year-old Spanish villager who took it upon herself to transform Elías García Martínez's Ecce Homo (Behold the Man) into Ecce Mono (Behold the Monkey), has apparently recovered from the anxiety she initially experienced and is now looking to get paid.

Jesse Scott Owen, a freshman at King's College in Manhattan, was knocked unconscious in the street Tuesday when a futon guided by the invisible hand of a vengeful angel, fell on him from a height of "at least" 30 stories.

This week, the music industry looks something like Christmas. It's not that the new music releases are gifts, per se (quite the contrary), but there are so damn many high-profile albums after a relatively dormant summer. This kind of flurry is usually reserved for the holidays. And what's more, together they give as full of a picture of the state of label-based pop music in 2012 as any recent concurrent set of albums. Really, all this week is missing is a neo-boy band. Let's explore:

A three-disc box set celebrating the 25th anniversary of Michael Jackson's first post-Thriller album, Bad, arrived in stores this week. I feel like I've been inundated with Bad25 propaganda via the Internet. There was also a two-hour special on BET last night featuring all nine of the Bad videos and people like Ashanti babbling about how galvanizing "Man in the Mirror" was and how it inspired her to be a better person. She was 7 when it was released.

Burmese opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi was in Washington today to receive the Congressional Gold Medal she was awarded four years ago will still under house arrest.

Shakira's hips, famous for not lying, will soon be called upon to birth a child. The singer confirms she is pregnant.

Looks like you really will be the last person you know to be married: a scrap of ancient papyrus that some scholars are calling a new gospel suggests that confirmed bachelor Jesus Christ may, in fact, have had a wife.

An Iowa couple thought they had picked the perfect spot for their wedding ceremony when they settled on Living History Farms in Urbandale six months ago.

There's an old political line about how a gaffe is merely a case of a politician inadvertently revealing an obvious truth. In that sense, Mitt Romney has been on an honesty rampage for six years. He is the Mr. Bean-like embodiment of every impulse to accidentally thoroughly disrobe before an unwilling nation.

As the affluent flock into cities and the formerly tony suburbs turn to slums, you know what I'm not going to miss? GARAGES. Big old ugly garages that are the main feature of the whole ugly suburban house for some reason. Good news: garages have completely gone out of fashion, architecturally speaking.

Remember the days when books were made of paper, and you had to go to the store to buy them, and if the store didn't have the one you wanted, then you had to wait two weeks until they could order it? Haha! Neither do we!

It's a fairly well-established fact that few things in life are better than bacon.

Two households, both a'lacking in dignity,
In fair California, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean:
This is the Nickelodeon-Disney War of 2012.