We can this close to never having to see Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen in bed together, but, sadly, it was not to be.

When DMX is made to Google himself he flies into a tizzy, mostly over the concept of Googling. That tizzy, broken down.

"Starlight," the debut single from Brooklyn disco revivalists Escort is now 6 years old, but no less relevant than it was upon release. Part of it is its nailing of disco chic (and post-disco synth squiggles), part of it is that after releasing a string of singles, the act finally released its debut last year, thereby reintroducing the song. And the newest part of it is that it's been remixed for the band's upcoming Escort Remixed, out Oct. 16. The compilation collects some already released mixes as well as some new ones, like the RAC remix of "Starlight," which we're premiering today. This beefs up the track with a more Italo-indebted bass line, while retaining the sharp strings and Adeline Michele's lush vocals. It breathes new life into a track that has shown no signs of dying.

The four heirs to Sam Walton's Wal-Mart fortune are collectively worth $106 billion. Well, they earned it.

Normally it takes at least three of something to make a trend, but given that the trend in question is the mock-lynching of an American president, waiting around for a third instance seems unnecessary.

On last night's episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, 7-year-old Alana served Leaky Lindsay (the Garbage Pail Kid) when she sneezed, shot snot out of both nostrils and then held her hand over it for a minute. This aired unedited — televised vérité at its rawest. I wonder what Frederick Wiseman thinks of this show.

Just another periodic update on the woeful state of our nation, here, America: "Nationally, the median income dropped by 1.3% to $50,502 in 2011." It's worse for the poor, naturally. "Los Angeles County households whose earnings put them in the lowest fifth for income in 2011 earned 12% less, on average, than the incomes of that same group in 2007, when the recession began." In New York, Mike Bloomberg's fortune swelled by 28% in the past year, to $25 billion. Meanwhile: "The rich got richer and the poor got poorer in New York City last year as the poverty rate reached its highest point in more than a decade, and the income gap in Manhattan, already wider than almost anywhere else in the country, rivaled disparities in sub-Saharan Africa." Poor smokers in New York spend a quarter of their income on cigarettes. And across the country, "extreme" racial segregation of schools "is becoming more common."

Though her reign of vehicular terror recently concluded with her BMW being impounded, Amanda Bynes' trail of batshittery is not over by a mile.

Fiona Apple was arrested for hash possession in Texas. Would she have been if she stuck to the spiked lemonade?

As happy as I was with the Big Brother outcome (which I feel like I can't reveal here since this post isn't explicitly labeled as a spoiler reveal and the first rule of the Internet is that you can't say anything about anything anyway) and as much as I enjoyed Honey Boo Boo's bodily functions, Maya Rudolph's appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon took the cake where last night's TV is concerned. She and her friend Gretchen Lieberum are in the Prince cover band Princess, and they brought their take on Tipper Gore's all-time fav Prince song "Darling Nikki" to network TV after Maya spent some time with Jimmy on the couch. Supported by the Roots, Princess' cover is so straightforward that they even do that backwards part that's on the album. Ingenious, but oops, there I go with the spoilers again.

Mitt Romney currently trails President Obama among registered Latino voters by nearly 40%, and getting caught saying things like "it would be helpful to be Latino" certainly isn't helping.

Some campaign ads are clearly better than others.

Noted dimwitted bigot and frequent star of recordings she didn't know she was starring in Paris Hilton has said something stupid again. Imagine. And it was during New York Fashion Week. Double imagine.

It's just another day at the petting zoo when, suddenly, a baby goat becomes stuck in a body of water and begin to drown. Oh no! Who will save this poor little kid? The guy holding the camera? Ha ha no.

The Chicago teacher's strike is over. It worked. The Verizon strike is over. It worked. Strikes work. Workers should have them more often.

After putting every single criticism of Mitt Romney's now-infamous "47 percent" pitch into one perfect segment, The Daily Show's Jon Stewart sets his snark-sights on the presidential nominee's enablers — namely Fox News, AKA "Romney Campaign Headquarters," AKA "Bullshit Mountain."

Dirty old man Oliver Stone apparently couldn't keep his randy mitts to himself at last night's London premiere of The Savages, reaching out to help himself to handful of Salma Hayek's busting bosom.

A Texas-based political blog brings news of a North Austin man who shocked some in his neighborhood by putting up a display in his front yard apparently meant to symbolize a lynched President Obama hanging from a tree.

While this video of a chameleon attempting to climb a stream of faucet water is adorable for obvious reasons, it's also extremely fascinating for an entirely unexpected reason: The video has only one comment ("ha ha washing his hands lol"), and, at the time of writing, that comment has nearly 7,000 likes.

As if you needed another reason not to visit an amusement park called Knott's Berry Farms, there's this: twenty visitors were stranded atop Knott's Berry Farm's 300-foot tall attraction, The Windseeker, for almost four hours Wednesday afternoon. This is the second time this month the ride has malfuntioned, so maybe close it or stop riding it?