Robot Rubio apologized to his friends, family, and programmers on Tuesday night—following what looks to be an uninspiring fifth place finish—for having been such a mess at Saturday’s debate. “I did not do well on Saturday night,” he said. “That will never happen again.”

After a loss that would have been infinitely more enjoyable (for us) if it had been at the hands of anyone but Ted Cruz, imminent President Donald Trump finally got to give his very first victory speech with 34 percent of the vote. And it was pretty much exactly what you’d expect.

According to the Associated Press, Chris Christie is heading back to Jersey to “take a deep breath” and “take stock of [his] presidential bid.” As Christie’s beloved idol Bruce Springsteen would say: Great—who the hell needs Chris Christie.

Almost half of the top 20 employers whose workers contributed to the Sanders campaign last year were companies in Silicon Valley, the Wall Street Journal reports, including Google, Apple, and Microsoft. He received almost $105,000 from employees of the five largest tech firms in the last three months of 2015.

In tonight’s concession speech, Hillary Clinton made grand declarations of her desire to get all the dirty money and secret Wall Street influence the hell out of politics. Which is to say, Hillary Clinton really wants Hillary Clinton out of politics.

Feeling the Bern indeed...

Just a few minutes ago, MSNBC’s Chris Hayes offered some insight into exactly why Bernie Sandwiches was able to snag New Hampshire so handily. Delicious, delicious Bernie Sandwiches.

Not long after it became abundantly clear that Bernie Sanders would handily win Tuesday’s primary, in New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager, Robby Mook, released a memo to “interested parties” explaining very deliberately and carefully why the former Secretary of State has nothing to worry about, nothing at all.

While some networks (including Fox News) prefer to rely on human-sized iPads and holograms of a young Reagan to read the night’s primary results, still-frozen Thanksgiving turkey Karl Rove has chosen to go a different route. More specifically, the Zodiac Killer route.

A contingent of New Hampshire voters on Tuesday simply could not contain their enthusiasm for Martin O’Malley—despite the fact that he is not actually running for president anymore.

New Hampshire’s polls are closed. CNN’s graphics team hasn’t slept in weeks. And we’re about to find out who the weirdos in New Hampshire want to be our next president.

Bill Kristol, who is always wrong, is wrong once again.

With ten percent of precincts reporting, CNN and us here at Gawker are calling it for Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump.

With 3% of New Hampshire precincts reporting, boot-as-hat wearing crazy sorcerer man Vermin Supreme has 0.2% of the Democratic vote. Martin O’Malley, who ran a modern political campaign, currently has 0.3%.

Well folks, it’s that lovely election night limbo after the polls have begun to close and before anyone actually knows anything, and so instead we have to look at exit polls! Exit polls are only ever indicative of bad things. How bad? Let’s find out.

According a CBS exit poll, a vast majority of Republican New Hampshire voters support at least a *temporary* blanket ban on all Muslim immigrants. Which is to say, a vast majority of New Hampshire Republicans are pretty racist and probably voting Trump.

The bees are dying because people keep moving them around, facilitating the spread of a wing-breaking virus. Also: “A picture with an earlier version of this article, using information from a photo agency, was published in error. It was of a fly mimicking a bee, not a bee.”

This has been What Kanye Thinks About Bill Cosby™.

Marco Rubio is broken.