The jury is still out on whether the theatergoer who vomited from the balcony during a November 14th performance of the Broadway play Grace was drunk or just old, but that hasn't stopped the show's star Paul Rudd from jotting down a few of the things that were going through his head as audience members in the orchestra section suddenly found themselves in the theater's splash zone.

Anthony Bourdain is a man of many talents and many curse words: For the past 30 years, he's been a successful chef, then author, and television host, traveling the world for his Travel Channel series, No Reservations, and eating at some of the most loved restaurants in the world (as well as its least-known food stalls and noodle stands). In short, for at least the past decade, he's held down everyone's dream job.

Just when you thought it was safe to tickle Elmo again, the erstwhile settled sex scandal roars back with a vengeance.

What is the internet for, if not generating boatloads of usless, search-engine-results driven detritus that you can purchase and give to your friends? We've spent a lot of time this year exploring the insane garbage offered up by the web, in its infinite wisdom — from Kony 2012 thongs to Celebrities with Big Dicks like Jay-Z, Liam Neeson, Colin Farrell, and Many More, a book consisting entirely of Wikipedia articles — and it's time to put our money where our slightly-gaping mouths are. What baffling, nonsensical gifts are you finding on Zazzle, Etsy and Idakoos for your friends this year?

This is a big fucking deal: everyone wish Joe Biden, and his impossibly perfect teeth, a Happy 70th Birthday.

You how you go through life thinking you've seen every kind of epic trust fall fail video there is, and then out of nowhere a new epic trust fall fail video shows up that throws your entire worldview for a loop?

Let us now, on the eve of this blessed holiday season, take moment to bow our heads and reflect upon the myriad miseries suffered by the group most persecuted by this modern world: the extremely wealthy. Thank god you are not in their very, very expensive shoes.

Highly divisive Tea Party congressman Allen West (R-FL) will have at least one of those titles stripped from his name after finally conceding to Democratic challenger Patrick Murphy in the race for the Sunshine State's 18th congressional district.

Sure, Anderson Cooper may have bombs falling all around him threatening his very existence — but that doesn't mean he's about to let some random person get away with saying something bad about him on the Internet.

Times are tough for failed presidential nominee Mitt Romney: First he's forced to endure an entire screening of Breaking Dawn: Part 2, and now he's been spotted pumping his own gas in La Jolla, California.

Is Lindsay Lohan's life just viral marketing for Liz & Dick? Her probation will be revoked any day now. Prison looms.

"Trapped in the Closet is an alien," said R. Kelly last night. "I'm glad to be one of the astronauts to take this trip to a place unknown."

This upcoming Thanksgiving week will be a long one and difficult, although hopefully it will not be without its bright spots for each of you. Some things you must resign yourself to now: you will almost certainly end up purchasing your own weight in electronics on Black Friday, if not being used as part of a human battering ram to entire the local big box store at 2:00am. You will do so knowing that the person selling you these electronics has probably been forced to sell his or her children as indentured servants to Wal-Mart in exchange for a bathroom break.

It's too soon to have to think about any of this, but it's happening anyways - a federal judge in LA's District Court ruled today that the city of Santa Monica is allowed to ban Nativity scenes in parks and other public places after The Santa Monica Nativity Scene Committee brought a lawsuit against the city. If the decision carries, all "unattended displays," regardless of content, will be prohibited from city-owned spaces. The committee, which has been staging the scenes for almost sixty years, has promised to appeal the decision, because this is a fight that will continue forever, long after every living human descendant has forgotten what a nativity is.

Because space is just amazing, astronomers in Hawaii announced today that they've found a planet 170 light-years away from Earth that is more than thirteen times larger than the largest planet in our solar system (that's Jupiter, for those of you just tuning in). They've also managed to take a photo of its surface, which is a fairly rare occurrence, and the rest of us get to benefit from living in the really tremendous kind of era where anyone can just look at photographs taken in outer space over lunch at our desks.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio has clearly learned a thing or two from Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock when it comes to qualifying public statements. Reminding us that a comprehensive understanding of the earth's history is reserved for only the most seasoned of sages and alchemists, with many glowing astrolabes, he told GQ that the true age of the planet is "one of the great mysteries" of our time. It seems fairly clear, however, that in suggesting parents teach their children about the formation and development of the planet using either "what science says" or "what their faith says" where he lands on science.

New Yorkers will soon find themselves facing a fear they haven't known for centuries: the king could show up on their doorstep at any time.

While it's true that Hostess has been granted a temporary stay of execution by a bankruptcy judge in New York, it's still possible that mediation talks between the baked-goods manufacturer and the bakers union will fail and fans of cream-filled cakes will once again be forced to sell both kidneys so they can bid on $5,000 boxes of Twinkies on eBay.

Jessie Ware has released a trio of remixes of Devotion's downtempo, virtually chanted "No To Love." All are excellent, giving the song a needed kick in the ass, but my favorite is this slapsticky and frenetic rerub from New Jersey house vet Todd Edwards. Who says no to this?

Last Wednesday, more than 150 fans and journalists boarded a Boeing 777 with pop-star Rihanna, heading out for a seven-day, seven-country, seven-concert tour imaginatively entitled #777Tour. But after a frenzied, drunken take-off, the tour has descended into naked, mutinous madness, led by the wild, nude, harmonica-playing Australian contingent.