Yesterday, we brought you a bunch of people who thought that you really shouldn't be going to the club on Thanksgiving night. Some of us heeded that advice and stayed home to watch Jets players run into their teammates asses. Others, though, hit the club undeterred, because Thursday is still Thursday and bloated stomachs need love, too.
Let's take a break from Black Friday and the crumbling of American society. Instead, let's look at an image of a singer Photoshopped so that she appears topless. The singer in question is Rihanna, whose most recent album cover features a partially topless photo of her with various words and phrases scribbled over her body. The image in question is this photo that's been floating around Tumblr since yesterday that purportedly shows the uncensored image used for the Unapologetic cover.
Thanksgiving is crashing down all around us, which means high school reunions are in season.
There comes a time in every former child's life when enough earnings have him or her playing Santa to those who once did (if you in fact celebrated Christmas; if you didn't, you know what I'm talking about). Parents are often kinda wack, which means you could float on mediocrity, closing your eyes, spinning and buying the first thing you point at in a Brookstone or the Sharper Image or, hell, WalMart.
Here are your Worst Humans of Black Friday 2012:
Black "Friday" has been terrorizing America for at least the past 24 hours, and videos of Walmart shoppers tearing at store displays like lions shredding an antelope have begun to hit YouTube. The video you see above shows two separate incidents of people nearly crushing each other as they ravage for phones and things. If you close your eyes for a few seconds at any point, it sounds like you're watching Cloverfield.
In theory, cat people are easy to please. Just slap a wretched meowing illustration on a canvas tote bag and—voila—you have a present for your local cat freak. Buy them a kitten calendar and be assured they will secretly pet it everyday on the way out the door. Order a "humorous" catnip party-pack and receive the polite chuckle an herbal blend called Cat-Astrophy deserves.
The day after Thanksgiving is the traditional start to the Christmas season, when celebrants everywhere put up traditional Christmas decorations, sing traditional Christmas carols, and hunker down for the yearly reading of the traditional incest-themed fan fiction based on a two-minute Folger's commercial.
Drunk people aren't as easy to buy gifts for as you might think. It's true that everything they need to keep themselves entertained comes in a nice little bottle, but on the other hand they could probably really use something practical to compliment their drunkenness—something they can appreciate even when they are sober and something you can appreciate even when they are drunk. But what do you get for a person who likely won't remember that you bought them a gift? The best path to go down is the one that will make you both happy. Whatever you buy should triple as a durable necessity for when your drunk friend is too drunk, something that will minimize your involvement in their late-night shenanigans, and something that will still seem like a useful/fun gift if they open it sober.
Once Thanksgiving dinner is over and football is done and you've played card games with your grandparents and everyone is asleep, you begin to realize that being back at home (or somewhere else in the suburbs) can be pretty boring. What's there to do? How about the club? You know all those awesome clubs in your hometown, those little beakers of bubbling nightlife, full of so many great things (booze).
The beautiful thing about Thanksgiving is that no two plates are ever the same; no two stuffings or pies or turkey legs are the same. It's a melting pot! Like America! So what does your meal look like today? Are you feasting on a deep fried turducken? Or is this year's fare a slab of tofurkey with a side of locally-sourced vegan dressing?
Today you will sit down with your family or your friends and you will tell them what you are thankful for. It's a Thanksgiving tradition, and a good one — we should all be thankful for having roofs over our heads and food to eat (if we do) and for even being able to participate in a holiday called Thanksgiving in the first place.
The holidays couldn't come sooner for the nation's Republicans, who just suffered a devastating repudiation of everything they hold dear and are in the process of confronting the fact that the America they loved so much is now mostly brown and gay. What can you get them to cheer them up and help them along the inevitable journey to socialism?
Call it the Seinfeldization of America, if you want. Somewhere in the last 20 years, a great mass of our fellow citizens decided that transforming every quotidian obligation of their existence into a Sisyphean fucking ordeal was an acceptable substitute for having something to say.
It's 2012, which means that your Thanksgiving won't be complete without a well-wishing on Twitter from some corporation that probably wants you to give them money for something shitty. Don't you just feel warmer already?
Hey everyone, how's your morning going? Did you get up early to run the Turkey Trot? That's a rhetorical question because of course you did not, that would be a complete waste of time: today is Thanksgiving.
