Eyeballs, that is.

Women. Everybody loves them as much as they love shoppin', and boy do they love shoppin'.

The Chloe YouTube series (performed by Drew Droege and directed by Jim Hansen) is as much a commentary on Chloë Sevigny's ridiculous persona as it is the ridiculousness of celebrity impersonation, having spiraled so far from resembling the actual actress...probably. Who knows? Anyway, this reimagining of "The 12 Days of Christmas" is a total masterpiece (full disclosure: it's also barely a song).

Ke$ha is not an idiot.

Among the most popular current queries over at UrbanBaby.com, a popular online message board for wealthy adult urban babies: "curios after reading the below post - how many carats is your engagement ring & where do you live? I live in NYC, engagement ring is 1.5 carats."

40 Million Dollar Man Frankie Muniz alarmed Malcolm in the Middle fans everywhere today when he casually announced on Twitter that he had suffered a stroke.

Months of harassment and stalking came to a tragic conclusion last week for an Austin man after his 22-year-old ex-girlfriend allegedly ran over his mother with her car.

(If the headline isn't enough of a warning, here's another: the video above is disgusting and disturbing. Proceed with caution and without food in your mouth.)

Police in Clarksville, Tennessee, say a woman who claimed she was raped by a man she met online had dropped the accusation after admitting she wasn't raped but was really just upset that the sex they had wasn't very good.

The bad news is student debt is soaring. The good news is, more crappy jobs than ever now require a college degree. So.

Wondering what to get the person who has everything? Why not one of these lovely calendars from dental supply company Practicon? Each month is accompanied by a photo of Practicon's dental mannequins, dressed up and having fun. It's heartwarming — and completely and utterly terrifying.

Above, left, Ohio woman Melissa Wolf in July of last year; above, right, Wolf after being arrested yesterday. (Acting on a tip, police found "several propane tanks, some containing anhydrous ammonia, chemicals to manufacture meth and a small amount of marijuana" at her home.) Should you do meth? No, you should not do meth. Wolf's mugshot, in full:

Taylor Swift and Harry Styles are apparently an insufferable item now, and one One Direction fan who isn't taking the news very well is Hailie Scott Mathers, BKA Eminem's teenage daughter.

Well here's a story that is bad from every angle; a multi-faceted diamond of misery.

Arizona governor Jan Brewer has left the state on "official business," but her aides refuse to say where she's gone.

Yesterday, Ki Suk Han was tragically struck and killed by a subway train in Midtown Manhattan after being thrown onto the tracks by an angry and perhaps mentally disturbed panhandler. We could spend all day debating the actions of the New York Post photographer whose horrifying photo of Han shortly before his death ran on the paper's front page today. What cannot be debated is this: the New York Post's online commenters are some of the world's most... interesting people.

You may have heard yesterday that famous uterus Kate Middleton confirmed she is pregnant, proving once again that women can become pregnant.

What were the most powerful images of the year? Which images inspired you, which images moved you to tears, and which images broke your heart? Sure, you could look at Buzzfeed's list of 45 "incredibly inspiring pictures" ("warning: Some of these may break your heart") — but who has time to scroll through 45 pictures? We've got our own list of the 19 Most Powerful Images of 2012 here. Warning: some of these may break your heart.

Just look at that face! Benny is clearly ecstatic about bathtime! Or he's experiencing a horror known only to those who have seen the true face of Samael, the evil angel of death and destruction.

Twinkie maker Hostess pissed off a lot of reasonable people by not only cutting worker pay while leaving the CEO's pay untouched, but also giving executives $1.75 million in bonuses at the same time they are liquidating the company and laying off 15,000 workers. That's some brazen shit. More enraging is how typical such behavior is.