The inevitable NYC subway fare hike was just approved. Take it in slowly. It's not so bad. There, there.

After spending the better part of the last few days trying to bait NRA members to come on his show to argue their position in a post-Newtown world, Piers Morgan ultimately had to settle for the next best thing.

Are you aware that the toy industry is in a slump right now? Indeed, there is "softness" in the toy market across the entire world. Some parent you are. Rest easy, though. Motherfuckers are still buying so many fucking Legos.

Nixon hatchet-man and Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork has died at 85.

The people have spoken — but Time Magazine chose to ignore them and hand its "Person of the Year" honorific to President Barack Obama instead.

When that video of a Golden Eagle snatching a baby from the ground (yes, that video of a Golden Eagle snatching a baby from the ground) hit the web last night, everyone immediately accepted its veracity.

Canadian eagles apparently don't share the disposition of Canadian humans, as evidenced by this dickhead eagle that tried to SNATCH A BABY STRAIGHT OFF THE GROUND in Montreal. Fortunately, the eagle was not able to pull off the greatest aviary caper in world history, probably because small humans weigh many more pounds than big rodents. Hopefully for the eagle's sake, his family won't be too angry at him after he was unable to provide for them on Reverse Thanksgiving. (Update: read theories about why the video is fake here.)

Depending on how you feel about extra terrestrials, either your greatest fear or hope may soon be confirmed. Astronomers at the University of Hertfordshire in the UK (which, by the way, is the most English name for anything ever) have studied 6,000 observations of the Tau Ceti star and found that there may be as many as five planets orbiting it, which can only mean one thing: aliens!

Ever since it exploded on April 20, 2010 — killing 11 crew members — BP's Deepwater Horizon oil rig has been a rotting carcass submerged in the Gulf of Mexico. In related news, the Coast Guard announced tonight that a mysterious substance is leaking from the wreckage and nobody knows what it is:

The NRA hasn't said a word since the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary — until now. The nation's most powerful pro-gun organization has emerged with the official bullshit it would like to spoonfeed you in the wake of arguably the worst mass shooting in American history. Everyone got their bibs tucked in?

Instagram changed its terms of use yesterday, and it looked like they would be ushering in a dystopian future where our every Instagram photo would be sold to the highest bidder, and perhaps projected onto massive blimps branded with McDonald's logos as the blimps fly around the rotted-out-husks of what once were great American cities. Everyone freaked out. But now Instagram says they were mis-understood.

Instagram did a very stupid thing yesterday when it updated its Terms of Agreement in a fashion that made people think that the photo app was going to sell its content to companies to use in advertisements. This (almost certainly) is not going to happen, but Instagram learned a valuable lesson about the specificity of legal language. Due to the intense blowback on the Internet today, Instagram CEO Kevin Systrom (pictured above at some tech conference) posted a blog post that tries to clear up much of the confusion.

When last we left elderly Spanish villager Cecilia Giménez, she was attempting to cash in on her infamy as the world's worst fresco restorer by trying to copyright her beastly tarnishing of García Martínez's Ecce Homo.

We all know that sex sells — but how about sexy funeral home employees dressed in skimpy two-piece Santa outfits?

If you've got a certain kind of Facebook friend — an End-the-Fed, mechanical-elves, Monsanto-causes-cancer, Nibiru-fearing cousin, say — you may have already heard the "news" that Newtown shooter Adam Lanza's father was a key witness in a congressional hearing about a banking scandal. Or the theory that the new Batman movie predicted the shooting. Or that The Hunger Games did. None of these conspiracy theories are true, obviously. But they're all over the internet.

Ever since HBO's Girls debuted this past spring, viewers have wracked their brains trying to identify precisely what about it they find slightly irritating and also which shades of nail polish best embody its characters.

A passenger heading to Kenya tried to save a few yuan by making his way through security at Guangzhou Baiyun International Airport while wearing every article of clothing he brought along for the trip.

In its first outlining of "meaningful action" geared toward preventing future mass shootings, the White House this afternoon said President Obama "strongly" supported the renewal of the assault weapons ban, and would also seek to improve gun control by "reexamining gun laws."

After the Sandy Hook Shootings, the NRA—America's most influential force for putting guns in the hands of everyone—went conspicuously silent. Now, after what has doubtless been a staggering amount of fretting by PR types, the NRA has released its first statement on the incident:

Polygamous sect leader Warren Jeffs, Chinese doomsday cult members, and Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard have all confirmed that the world will end this Friday just as the Maya predicted several millennia ago, but NASA continues to insist that it won't.