If you've got a certain kind of Facebook friend — an End-the-Fed, mechanical-elves, Monsanto-causes-cancer, Nibiru-fearing cousin, say — you may have already heard the "news" that Newtown shooter Adam Lanza's father was a key witness in a congressional hearing about a banking scandal. Or the theory that the new Batman movie predicted the shooting. Or that The Hunger Games did. None of these conspiracy theories are true, obviously. But they're all over the internet.

As usual, it only took a couple of days for the weird online gutter-spaces where the far left, far right, hyper-libertarian and new age kooks all hang out to gurgle out a handful of theories about the mass shooting in Newtown, Conn., that ended with 27 deaths. They are, each, stupider than the last, though no less fascinating, in a car-crash way, than they usually are. Here, a rundown of some of the more popular:

Adam Lanza and James Holmes' Fathers Were Both Scheduled to Testify in the LIBOR Bank Scandal Hearings

Proposed by: Vlogger Fabian4Liberty, TheExaminer.com, "United Slaves of Amerika" Facebook page
Relevant tweet:

But: "[N]o such hearing was ever scheduled to take place, nor is there even an obvious connection between FICO and the Libor scandal [...] Like FICO, GE has no obvious connection to the investigation, which has roped in various other financial institutions. And once again, there is no "witness list" that includes Lanza because there isn't even a hearing on the issue." — Benjy Sarlin, TPM

Obama orchestrated the shootings in Newtown and Aurora to force Cerebus to Sell Bushmaster

Proposed by: GodLikeProductions.com posters, Twitchy.com commenters
Relevant comment:

But: Since 2005, we've had a mass shooting every four months on average. It's true, though, this is the only one with little kids right before Christmas. Must be Obama.

The Dark Knight Returns Predicted the Aurora Shooting, and the Sandy Hook Shooting, and Hurricane Sandy

Proposed by: BeforeItsNews.com, Facebook page "Satan", Vlogger Dabu7
Relevant image:

"This is the official map from the movie The Dark Knight Rises... Here's what I saw so far... Pyramid with an eye... Hurricane SANDYs path... Sandy Hook... Strike points line up to make a pentagram"

But: Despite what the Facebook page "Satan" claims, Commissioner Gordon doesn't say "nothing is a coincidence" during the brief shot of a map in which the words "Sandy Hook" are visible. Also, uh, no.

A Secret Society Used The Hunger Games as a Model in Drugging Adam Lanza to Carry Out a Mass Killing to Provide the Pretext to Take Away Our Freedoms

Proposed by: PrisonPlanet.com, SGT Report
Relevant quote:

But then there is THIS. SGT Report cites a "coincidence" that will leave you thinking about a planned scenario at Newtown, just the kind of operation secret societies are reputedly famous for. In The Hunger Games, many times called a model of predictive programming, the ritual sacrifice of 23 children is carried out. Twelve districts, two children from each district; they fight in pairs and kill each other until one winner is left. 23 children are killed. In Newton, Adam Lanza killed 20 children. The author of The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins, is listed by Wikipedia as one of the famous people who lives in Newtown. You take it from there. Call it whatever you want to. I try to avoid winging big stretches, but this is too stunning to omit. WTF.

But: SMDH.