The Valley News, a newspaper serving the Upper Valley of Vermont and New Hampshire, brings us the story of Kenny Rogers, a man who flies a Confederate Flag outside his home, much to the chagrin of his neighbors. You might be asking first: Wait—Kenny Rogers? No, no, my friend—not that Kenny Rogers. You might be asking next: Wait—Vermont, New Hampshire, Confederate Flag? Yes, my friend—and that’s not all.

Remember the rich guy who gave away a personal fortune to a 26-year-old Times Square psychic in hopes of reuniting with his dead ex-girlfriend? Mike Murphy, who drained the extremely moneyed conservative super PAC Right to Rise trying to get Jeb Bush to the White House, proudly played the role of that man in this year’s election.

Yesterday, Donald Trump released a video attempting to refute the fraud charges levied against the scam formerly known as Trump University. But rather than offer any real answers, Trump’s video only raises more questions. Specifically, why can’t purported billionaire Donald Trump afford better sound equipment?

“Everybody’s blowing off work to play golf,” The New York Post reports. Disgraceful. Golf is sooo dumb no offense.

CNN reports Donald Trump’s abrupt cancelation of several on-camera interviews this morning was not, as Trump claimed, due to technical difficulties, but rather because he didn’t like the way he looked on TV. Can’t argue much with that.

Everyone knows that in America, you have a right to an attorney. Rich, poor, no matter what. If you’re facing a criminal trial, you’ll have a lawyer to represent you, if you want one. Except, it turns out, if you live in Louisiana.

Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign is currently in a scuffle with CNN. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Who started it? Will it matter? It won’t.

PROBLEM: There are so many millennials today, but they can’t afford to stay in your company’s nice hotels. SOLUTION: Build shittier motels—for millennials.

Pretty much everyone agreed that Mittens “Glittens” Romney’s last ditch attempt at dethroning Trump last week was doomed from the beginning. Romney is the very embodiment of the slick GOP establishment Trump is tearing apart—how could a condemnation from him do anything to sway Trump’s supporters? But the worst that could have happened was a waste of Mitt’s time, with no minds changed, so why not? Right? Right?

At 7:54 p.m. yesterday, National Review reported that the odious Ted Cruz was set to receive endorsements from four of his Senate colleagues this week. An hour later, the magazine corrected the entire report, calling it “erroneous.”

Here is a story that is perfectly calibrated to rile up the staffers of right-leaning publications. It has federal overspending to the tune of six figures on seemingly trivial causes. It has concern for the environment and climate change. Most importantly, it’s got a big ol’ dollop of campus feminism, holding it all together. It’s too bad it isn’t really true.

Last year, Wisconsin governor Scott Walker appointed a judge named Rebecca Bradley to his state’s Supreme Court. It may or may not bother you that she wrote college newspaper columns decrying “immoral” “queers” with AIDS.

It’s day two of the Bollea v. Gawker Media jury trial in St. Petersburg, Fla. and you can watch the whole thing streamed live, right here.

With less than a week to go before a strike deadline, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has decided that he needs a break, and will be taking a vacation with his wife of 30 years, Mary Pat Christie. Their anniversary is Tuesday.

Immigrants are applying to become naturalized U.S. citizens at unprecedented rates, the New York Times reports, largely in response to Donald Trump. The pace of applications is gathering speed weekly: There could be as many as a million by the end of 2016—about 200,000 more than the average.

Blood-drinking pagan and Libertarian candidate for U.S. Senate Augustus Sol Invictus was denied entry to Canada this weekend, FloridaPolitics.com reports. In a press release, Invictus, who is running to replace Marco Rubio, said that he was barred over ties to neo-Nazis.

Michael Bloomberg is not running for president, he announced this afternoon. “Uh, o....kay?” you might say in response, but all reports indicated that Bloomberg was seriously considering running for president. He even commissioned a consulting firm to produce maps outlining his path to the White House, which have now been obtained by the New York Times. What the firm came up with has less of a basis in reality than even the most absurd thing that has ever occurred on House of Cards.

On September 28, 2004, Kristin Cavallari appeared in the premiere episode of MTV’s Laguna Beach (“A Black & White Affair”). So began her transition from “popular high school student” into “person who gets paid to promote things.” What was the first dumb product our nascent reality TV star promoted?

With a heavy heart, local technocrat Michael Bloomberg has “announced” that he will not seek the presidency—because he can’t risk what his independent campaign might end up doing to the country (and also because he would not win).