You expect this sort of thing from passengers, but the driver?: A NJ Transit bus operator was caught on a passenger's camera masturbating to completion while on the job.

A police investigation into the beating of a man outside a Hudson Valley bar revealed that the victim was assaulted by three women for refusing to buy them a drink.

A reader of mine sent me this photo last night. As the murder trial of George Zimmerman wheezes to its conclusion, the TV networks dutifully pipe in live pool video from the courtroom, as if it is force-fed to them and they have no choice but to excrete it, soft and undigested, into our living rooms, bedrooms, offices. Sometimes, the pool recorder or the networks' producers don't switch to a mundane image of lawyers being lawyerly quite fast enough, and we get to see snippets of the human cruelty, stupidity, and frailty that occasion trials such as this.

The latest numbers are in. They're grim. Take a seat. Take a deep breath. Prepare yourself for what we're about to tell you. Parents of America, we regret to inform you: only 5% of your teens are daily smokers. What the fuck is going on?

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano is leaving her post to become the president of the University of California.

Mariah Carey's expert blend of blasé drama queeniness is on full display in the YouTube above. In it, she is wheeled out of the hospital after being treated for the dislocated shoulder and cracked rib she suffered after taking a tumble on the set of her "#Beautiful" remix video. "Well, that was fun," says a be-slinged Mimi, who is of course wearing a gown and full makeup. She then describes the experience as "harrowing" in the same inconvenienced-and-loving-it tone. Then she mumbles something about going back to the video set and professionals, thanks someone while grasping his or her hand like a weird old lady during the "Peace be with you" part of mass, and air kisses someone else. She may be doped up. She may be a living Humane Society cash-register donation bank with those sad puppy eyes.

Brooklyn created nearly half of New York City's new jobs in the past 12 years— four times more jobs than in Manhattan. Could Brooklyn be the next "cool" borough where people with money go? You heard it here first.

When the above footage was posted on the website and social media properties of West Virginia's WVNS-TV (channel 59) earlier this week, it caused such outrage that it was almost immediately pulled.

It's Snowden day at Sheremetyevo! The NSA leaker will meet with human rights groups in the Moscow airport today at 5:00 p.m. (Moscow time). Snowden claims that the U.S. government is attempting to deny his right to seek asylum and violating the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

In case the title didn't tip you off, let me tell you that last night's SyFy original movie SharkNado was a perfect storm. Not only were there sharks in a tornado, but this squirtable-cheese pile of absurdity arrives at a moment that audiences are particularly receptive to shlock (via communal entertainment like YouTube and reality TV, "guilty pleasures" feel increasingly less guilty and more pleasurable) and the '90s revivalism that comes from throwing together a jittery Tara Reid, an ageless Ian Ziering, a barely recognizable John Heard (Kevin's father in Home Alone) and CGI straight out of the Sega Genesis game Ecco the Dolphin. SharkNado set Twitter on fire, as any train wreck can. This particular train wreck, however, happened to be conducted by sharks. In a tornado (actually multiple tornados and a hurricane, too).

Did you know the Justice Department sponsored protests against George Zimmerman? They didn't, really—but this is the new conspiracy theory being passed around the internet gutter as Zimmerman's trial comes to a close.

Roughly an hour before the midnight deadline, Eliot Spitzer turned in more than 27,000 signatures to the New York City Board of Elections. Spitzer needed 3,750 signatures to qualify for the city's comptroller race.

Philip Roth and Mia Farrow didn't, actually, watch Sharknado together—the photo is from a dinner party a few weeks ago, and the now-deleted Tweet was a joke—but it's good to know that the shark-weather thriller penetrated Mia Farrow's consciousness.

Paula Deen has fired her legal team and replaced them with a lawyer who specializes in employment discrimination cases and corporate diversity consulting. In mostly unrelated news, "Female Force: Paula Deen," a comic book about Deen's life, will be published this fall.

A man who has been legally dead since 2010 was elected mayor of a small Mexican town on Sunday.

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, responding to calls for his resignation from former political allies, released a video this afternoon in which in which he apologizes for "[failing] to fully respect the women who work for me and with me" and says he has in the past "intimidated" women. It's the latest shame in what's been a rather difficult week for the city's first Democratic mayor in decades.

Here's some free advice: If you've been charged with fraud and the judge orders you to submit to fingerprint testing, don't attempt to pay for the test with a stolen credit card.

I'd advise you not to look at this Associated Press photo of a horned rabbit afflicted with a papilloma virus, but, hey, it's a free country.

A Manhattan jury today found 27-year-old Nicholas Brooks guilty of murdering his former girlfriend, the swimsuit designer Sylvie Cachay. The prosecution said Brooks had strangled and drowned Cachay in a bathtub at New York's tony Soho House after Cachay dumped him in 2010.

Tufts University, a former clown college that rose through the ranks to become one of America's most prestigious safety schools, likes to have fun on its applications. For years, it's been asking prospective students to submit quirky YouTube videos demonstrating how their quirky YouTube videos are better than other applicants' quirky YouTube videos. In 2010, it invited applicants to "create something" out of a sheet of paper. It's fun in the way your old job made you wear a sombrero on your birthday "because we like to have fun here!" It's just really, really fun.