Wall Street banks announced huge earnings today, the stock market hit new highs, multimillion-dollar condos are selling out before they're even built, and it would be a great day to be alive, if you had a piece of that.

This afternoon, the Texas State Senate is debating House Bill 2, a hugely restrictive anti-abortion bill that would ban late-term abortions. A vote may take place tonight, so the capital gallery is currently at full-capacity. Meanwhile, state troopers have been searching through bags to confiscate tampons, feminine pads, and tissues before spectators have been allowed inside:

Bay Area news station KTVU just reported that the pilots of Asiana's disastrous flight 214 were the crack team of "Sum Ting Wong," "Wi Tu Lo," "Ho Lee Fuk," and "Bang Ding Ow."

In the early morning hours of New Year's Day 2009, a 22-year-old unarmed black man named Oscar Grant was shot by a Bay Area Rapid Transit Police Department police officer in Oakland's Fruitvale train station. Dozens of people witnessed this and several of them recorded the incident on their cell phones. Footage uploaded to YouTube went viral almost immediately. Johannes Mehserle, the officer who shot and killed Grant, was eventually convicted of involuntary manslaughter, sentenced to two years in jail and served less than a year's worth of time.

Lindsay Lohan is getting exactly what she needs to jump-start her career: a reality show to air on OWN in 2014. Before that, Oprah will give her a stern-talking to in the form of an interview, set to tape in August when Linds is out of rehab.

Don't Talk by Kanye West

"Like it's almost so bad that it's good...It's almost a cult movie." - Tara Reid reflects on SharkNado

Two days ago a Redditor who goes by the handle SexualWeasel posted a "quick" drawing he randomly sketched of a proposed logo for the NSA modeled after Pixar's iconic vanity card.

Here you will find another in a theoretically bottomless barrel of stories explaining why hedge funds are scams.

Recently, the subject of the varying quality of pizza by region has been raised, thanks in part to discussions of Washington, D.C., which has been accused, disparagingly and incorrectly, of being unable "to produce a single decent slice of pizza."

Fox News shitbag Jesse Watters went to last month's successfully crowdfunded Coney Island Mermaid Parade for a segment on The O'Reilly Factor that aired last night. It was really great, a true testament to the 30-year-old celebration's campy spirit of exuberant acceptance.

Virginia Heffernan was once a high-profile tech and culture writer for the New York Times. For this reason, she is taken seriously. Yesterday, she wrote an essay entitled "Why I'm a Creationist." It amounts to a very specific guide as to why Virginia Heffernan should no longer be taken seriously.

The Texas teen who has been behind bars for months after being arrested for a sarcastic comment he made on Facebook has been released after an anonymous donor abruptly came forward to cover his $500,000 bond.

Despite the fact that seemingly everyone on Twitter was watching the proudly stupid Syfy film Sharknado last night, reports this morning say the movie only netted about a million viewers. The lesson, once again, is that Twitter ruins your perspective on what people actually care about.

At least eight people are reported dead after a train crashed at Bretigny-sur-Orge, just south of Paris. The train was heading out of the city towards Limoges when it derailed and crashed into the station platform.

Following a recent bear sighting in Cranston, Rhode Island, reporter Julie Tremmel of the local NBC affiliate WJAR decided to help residents brush up on bear safety with a video demonstrating what one ought to do should they come across an ursine intruder.

When fugitive NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden's United States passport was cancelled on June 23rd, he was left stranded in Moscow's Sheremetyevo airport. Today, Snowden announced he is seeking temporary asylum in Russia in order to plan a possible escape to Latin America. But maybe there's an easier way? Snowden now has a brand-new replacement passport, if he can get it: He has been issued a World Passport, backed by no country but good (its creators say) in nearly all of them.

When is a drug movie not a drug movie? When its director says so.

Wal-Mart, a $254 billion corporation, is so terrified of its employees sharing their true workplace stories with us that it's purchased ads on Google and Twitter expressly targeted at our readers. On its employee website, the company also asked workers to share positive stories. Here are the comments they got.

After Fox & Friends co-host Brian Kilmeade hit basketball prodigy Titus in the face with a ball and made him cry, it was only right to give little Titus a chance to get even.