This is your daily reminder that upward economic mobility is unlikely for you, unless your ancestors helped rig the game for you a long time ago.

Donald Trump, perpetual asshole, tells the National Review that he's considering a bid for president in 2016. That is, if he can find the time to run while also starring on his reality show.

CLICK HERE FOR THE 90s MUSIC OF YOUR DREAMS.

Miley Cyrus took her adult-oriented antics to their logical conclusion by stripping naked for a Marc Jacobs International tee designed to benefit the New York University Skin Cancer Institute.

We're hearing that The Fix, the "addiction and recovery" site founded by former Radar-er Maer Roshan (who later departed), may be close to folding due to unspecified financial issues. If you know more, email me.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the ex-IMF chief and disgraced French stereotype who escaped rape charges in New York City in 2011, is now being accused of aggravated pimping for his participation in a series of wild sex parties that often employed the talents of prostitutes.

Writer/director Maggie Carey’s The To Do List is so sex-positive, it borders on propaganda. At the very least, it functions as a sort of Ethical Slut 101, an instruction on the hilarity of sex and the joys of portraying exploratory women onscreen. “Let’s get to work, vagina!” says protagonist Brandy Klark (Aubrey Plaza) when setting out on the journey. A virgin who hasn’t so much as kissed a guy in years, Brandy is determined to conquer sex during the summer before her freshman year in college. She creates a list of various acts she wants to experience – “makeout,” “fingerbang,” “dry hump,” "orgasm" – and ticks them off one by one, employing friends and coworkers as lab partners in the experiment. The Irina Dunn-quoting Brandy so clinical about the project that it drives the boys crazy. "You gave me a handjob. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?" sniffs one aspiring suitor. "No," she responds. "It’s a handjob."

A horrifying case of animal abuse was uncovered two weeks ago, when a dog was found badly burned in the backyard of a residence in the city's north side.

Television writer/producer Sam Simon, a co-developer of the Simpsons, has amassed a literal fortune. Since leaving the cultural touchstone in 1993, the nine-time Emmy winner has kept an executive producer title that earns him "tens of millions" annually. Plus, the former Taxi showrunner has continued working steadily, from directing The Drew Carey Show to playing poker lucratively (he produced the short-lived poker-show Sam’s Game for Playboy TV) to contributing to FX’s Anger Management.

The former UC Davis police officer who gained national notoriety after he was recorded callously pepper-spraying peaceful demonstrators during the school's 2011 Occupy protests is seeking worker's compensation for "psychiatric injuries" he sustained during the incident.

British deviser of upmarket period soap operas, Julian Fellowes, has left the Abbey of Downton and put his mind to adapting a story about the trendiest star-crossed couple in literature onto the big screen like never before. It's set in the time that it was set in—so expect flouncy dresses, masks, swordplay, balconies, and probably no Hawaiian shirts or "Verona Beach" goofin'.

U.S. attorney general Eric Holder has promised Russia that the U.S. will not seek the death penalty for NSA leaker Edward Snowden. So, uh, send him on over.

Ariel Castro, the Cleveland man who kidnapped three young women and held them in his basement for a decade until their rescue earlier this year, has pled guilty, accepting life without parole, plus an additional 1,000 years, as part of a plea deal.

Party supply coordinator-turned-future Queen of England Jimmy Fallon welcomed his first child with wife Nancy Juvonen early Tuesday morning: a daughter named Winnie Rose Fallon.

An entire generation of Americans has been sold the idea of higher education as a panacea for all ills. That generation of Americans is now shackled with giant and unsustainable levels of student debt. And now, it appears that the big college tidal wave has crested, and is beginning to crash down.

The SyFy Twitter hit SharkNado will be screened August 2 at midnight in about 200 theaters across the U.S. Hey guys, stop trying to make SharkNado happen. Oh wait. It did happen.

A man in California who crashed his SUV into a utility pole and a fire hydrant will be charged with vehicular manslaughter following the electrocution of two women who rushed to his aid.

U.S. Park Police today closed the Lincoln Memorial until further notice after vandals splattered green paint all over the statue and the floor.