Lindsay Lohan's "career-jumpstarter" The Canyons is available on Video on Demand in certain markets starting today, but it's so bad that you probably won't watch it.

"The idea of a writing workshop makes me want to throw up," says Choire Sicha, who's right about writing workshops.

On Monday, a man traveling from southern China to Beijing with his pet hamburger was stopped by airport security because, whoops, his hamburger was actually a live turtle that he was praying everyone would mistake for a hamburger.

Here's a funny story: White musician heavily influenced by long-dead black musicians hates other white musician heavily influenced by long-dead black musicians. Why? Unoriginality, of course.

Are you me? Maybe you are, and if you are me, you know there's no experience quite like it. Share if this sounds familiar, and you recognize that you're me!

Most of the terminally ill children who qualify for a Make-A-Wish Foundation wish end up asking for something like a trip to Disneyland or a shopping spree in the supermarket's candy aisle.

The Boston Globe's new business editor, Mark Pothier, once played keyboards for industrial savants Ministry. "Then, I had to 'Work for Love,'" notes Pothier. "Now I just work."

Amazon is the future of retailing in America. Earlier this week, we asked the unseen Amazon employees who fill your orders to send us their stories. Here are five of their tales of life at Amazon.

A Christian puppeteer who regularly used his long-running Christian Television Network show to warn children about the sin of pornography was sentenced this week to 20 years behind bars for possession of child pornography.

James Ponsoldt’s The Spectacular Now practically marches up and announces to you that it’s going to serve a refreshingly multi-dimensional portrayal of teens and their problems. Upon meeting his love interest when he wakes up on her lawn after a drunken blackout, our protagonist Sutter (Miles Teller) asks her, “So, what’s your thing?” “I like to think there’s more about a person than one thing,” replies Amy (Shailene Woodley).

Just how rich is too rich? Allow this gentleman to demonstrate.

The State Department has issued a "world-wide terrorism alert" for travelers after picking up heightened "chatter" that "Al Qaeda and its affiliates are plotting attacks against U.S. interests globally." Bon voyage?

Actress Penelope Cruz has made her directorial debut with a five-minute commercial for Agent Provocateur, promoting L'Agent, the lingerie line she designed with her sister Monica, an equal opportunity international smoke show.

A Dominican man says he doesn't know how it happened, just that he woke up after a night of heavy drinking without his penis.

The youth of America are plagued by shocking financial illiteracy. Most can't balance a checkbook, much less invest wisely. With our apologies to the Wall Street Journal, we present to you a realistic plan for teaching your kids about money matters.

NSA whistleblower and future Aeroflot Gold Member Edward Snowden was granted temporary asylum yesterday by Russia, which allowed him to leave Moscow's Sheremetyevo airport, where he'd been trapped since June 23rd. Here's what LifeNews calls the first photo of Snowden in Russia, beaming as he heads to a taxi to escape the airport, flanked by Wikileaks representative Sarah Harrison and his Russian lawyer Anatoly Kucherena. If you'd eaten airport food for weeks on end, you'd probably be pretty excited to get out of there, too.

On the Longform Podcast, Janet Reitman talks about her Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Rolling Stone cover story for the first time.

Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions (max: 200 words) to caity@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, bear-wise.

The August issue of Texas Monthly carries an ultimately amusing feature about the Sierra Blanca inspection station, an infamous U.S. Customs and Border Protection road stop that's ensnared a number of high-profile musicians, including Willie Nelson, Fiona Apple, Nelly, and Snoop Dogg. The Hollywood Reporter once referred to it as “the checkpoint of no return.”