When BBC News viewers tuned in to watch this morning's broadcast they were dumbfounded as to why veteran newsman Simon McCoy was introducing a story about privately run drunk tanks while holding what appeared to be a heavy ream of photocopier paper.

The New York Daily News published a bananas story Wednesday exposing the bizarre circumstances surrounding Jay Z and Beyoncé’s abrupt dismissal of their 6'5", 280 lbs. head of security, Norman Oosterbroek: He was fired after the couple allegedly saw photographic and video evidence of him “using the family’s passports in a lewd act." (The couple also discovered he had hired a prostitute while on duty for them in Las Vegas, which is crazy because it is somehow the LEAST interesting aspect of the story.)

In other news today, the discovery of the amplituhedron, "a newly discovered mathematical object resembling a multifaceted jewel in higher dimensions," means that space and time may be illusions. If you understand this, please explain it in the discussion section below. [Image: Shutterstock]

Twenty-six-year-old Albanian-American personality Myla Sinanaj famously dated Kim Kardashian’s ex Kris Humphries, then proceeded to have surgery to look like Kim, do a raunchy sex tape like Kim (Myla Sinanaj—The Anti Kim XXX), and even warble out a song a la Kim. Having interviewed the E! zillionairess, I wanted to give Myla yet another chance to be like her tarnished idol, so I just stuck a recording device in her face as well. Turns out there’s something of Kim’s she expressly doesn’t want—Kanye.

An airman most likely training to be a member of the Air Force Security Forces volunteers to get Tasered and inadvertently invites one of her trainers to share in her pain.

The NSA employees an enormous team of elite hackers to help them spy on America's adversaries. But even they outsource some of their dirty work to the French.

Six people were killed this morning when a double-decker bus collided with a train in south Ottawa. According to witnesses, the bus crashed “head-on” into the train after ignoring warning signals at the crossing.

"It just wasn't done well. She can't dance, her body looked like hell, the song wasn't great, one cheek was hanging out. And, chick, don't stick out your tongue if it's coated." - Tongue-wielding expert Cher on Miley Cyrus' VMAs performance

A typical Craigslist ad offering free football tickets for this Saturday's Tennessee-Florida Football game comes with a slightly atypical catch: Interested parties must be willing to take the original ticket holder's stepdaughter out on a date.

During the tenure of billionaire mayor Mike Bloomberg, the number of homeless people in New York City's shelter system has increased to more than 50,000, an all-time high. An astoundingly high percentage of those people have jobs.

Sweden is now "okay" with public masturbation. On June 6, a 65-year-old man took off his shorts at a beach near Stockholm and began masturbating into the ocean. The man was charged with sexual assault, but was acquitted last week after a judge ruled he was not targeting a specific person.

After casually mentioning that she was going to reenact what is quite possibly her greatest contribution to modern television culture, Allison Janney did indeed make good on her promise to perform her iconic lip-synching of Ronny Jordan's "The Jackal" on last night's Arsenio Hall Show.

America, as a nation, is as drunk as it's been in a long, long time. We are seriously fucked up. We have a problem. It was bad enough when we were guzzling mouthwash and rubbing alcohol. Now, we've turned to something even more revolting: "whipped cream vodka."

A man who spent the night with an eight-foot crocodile in his bedroom says he never thought to check underneath his bed for monsters.

With the staggering volume of quality Vines out there it's becoming harder and harder for Vine makers to get noticed, leading some to resort to drastic measures.

"I was at a conference in Bern, Switzerland, last week and struggling with my column."- The powerful first line of today's (or any day's) Thomas Friedman column.

Two days after Aaron Alexis shot and killed 12 people at the Washington Navy Yard, investigators are still struggling to find a motive as a more complete, and disturbing, profile of Alexis's mental health problems has emerged, including a report that he believed men were following him with a "microwave machine" to disrupt his sleep.

Trailing Bill de Blasio by huge numbers in the latest polls, New York City Republican mayoral candidate Joseph Lhota took a 25-minute closed-door meeting with Al Sharpton Tuesday night in an attempt to appeal to crossover voters. Topics discussed? Education, housing and stop-and-frisk.

In a study of 200,000 users of Weibo (China’s version of Twitter), researchers at Beihang University in China have concluded that “anger is more powerful than other emotions” when it comes to the spread of information online. Basically, anger is viral.

Grand Valley State University officials in Allendale, Michigan removed a famous landmark on campus Tuesday morning due to “safety reasons.” The Pendulum Statue, a 42-inch steel ball hanging from a 50-foot cable, has been the vessel for many nude rides this week thanks to the release of Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball" video.