The four-day standoff at the Westgate mall in Nairobi is over, according to Kenya's President Uhuru Kenyatta. Five of the gunmen were killed, and 11 others are in custody. At least 67 people were killed in the attack, including six soldiers and 61 civilians.

The family of a four-year-old boy who lived through the Westgate shopping mall attack says the now-iconic photo in which he can be seen wearing Crocs and an I Heart NY T-shirt while standing near the body of a deceased victim doesn't do the child's bravery justice.

JP Morgan Chase, run by "America's Least-Hated Banker" Jamie Dimon, "now represents the greatest risk to the financial system."

Jacob Fischler at BuzzFeed reports that in the autumn of 2012, a single (unknown) millionaire staked, and lost, “at least $4 million” on Mitt Romney trouncing Barack Obama on November 6. Fischler cites a working paper by Microsoft’s David Rothschild and Columbia’s Rajiv Sethi, who studied trading patterns on the now-illegal InTrade.com, which allowed armchair speculators to bet on almost anything.

It's officially official: Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are back as Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne in the Farrelly brothers' Dumb and Dumber To.

So it's come to this: In an effort to get patrons to interact with the people seated in front of them, one restaurant is offering a discount to customers who agree to abandon their smartphones for the entire duration of their meal.

Since 2011, the semi-legendary spam Twitter feed "@Horse_ebooks" has been under control of Jacob Bakkila, a Buzzfeed creative strategist who used to tweet under the handle "@agentlebrees."

The CEO of economy-wrecking greed-disaster AIG compares criticism of the bonuses collected by his bailed-out derivatives jockeys to "hangman nooses....what we did in the Deep South. And I think it was just as bad and just as wrong." Lynchings and criticizing bankers: equally wrong.

Conan's Breaking Badapalooza took place last night, and it was as methamphantastic as advertised.

"Millennial males are rebelling against the mass culture they grew up in," marketers say. Also: "One in three say they are 'sneaker obsessed.' And nearly 80% said American brands are cool again."

Last night, Canadian music collective Godspeed You! Black Emperor was awarded the 2013 Polaris Music Prize—given each year to an album by a Canadian artist. A statement from the band follows.

You thought the killer tornadoes recently were bad? "You ain't seen nothing yet!" scientists say, sucking their teeth and letting out a low whistle.

A Virginia teen has been suspended from school and is facing possible expulsion after he fired an airsoft gun outside his own house.

As the hostage situation at Nairobi's Westgate mall entered its fourth day, there were conflicting reports from Kenyan officials, who claim the rescue operation is all but over, and militant group al Shabab, who said on Twitter that their fighters were "holding their ground."

Burger King, the fantastic land where you can find weed and razor blades in your burger, will begin selling “Satisfries” Tuesday, a crinkle-cut french fry with 20 percent fewer calories than their regular french fries. A small order of Satisfries will contain 270 calories as opposed to a 350-calorie small order of their regular fatty-fat fries.

Thanks to the Internet, no one will pay for porn anymore unless it’s a celebrity sex tape. According to insiders, it’s sex tapes from the likes of Farrah Abraham and Sydney Leathers that are currently keeping the porn industry financially “afloat.”

Aissante Diallo, 3, died in her Harlem apartment on Sunday after suffocating while trapped in a sofa bed. According to the New York Post, Aissante was at home when “the bed retracted, trapping her and her 10-year old sister.” The sister managed to escape, but Aissante was “squeezed inside.” NBC 4 reports that the girls were sleeping at the time of the accident.

Thanks to the watchful stepfather of a Henderson High School student in Hendersonville, Tennessee, teachers will no longer be “pushing Islamic tolerance” on the students in the form of religious field trips.

President Obama was caught on a live microphone today telling U.N. official Maina Kiai that he hasn't smoked in six years because he's "scared of my wife." Cue your crazy right-wing uncle's next chain email: "NOBAMA ADMITS HE'S AFRAID OF A WOMAN, JUST LIKE ALL MALE LIBTARDS! GUESS WE KNOW WHO WEARS THE PANTS IN THE WHITE HOUSE!"

Coatesville Area School District in southeastern Pennsylvania is now demanding all district employees enroll in sensitivity training after two top administrators were caught trading “sickening” and “highly offensive” text messages on district-supplied phones. Superintendent Richard Como and Coatesville High School athletic director Jim Donato resigned Aug. 29 “for personal reasons” after an internal investigation by the school board revealed their love of pretty much all racial slurs.