What won't adult star James Deen do? Clown porn.

Over the weekend, the New York Times "Vows" section published a 1,765-word celebration of one couple’s love that was so aggressively serene—so gratingly ethereal—it just may be the most irksome in the history of the medium.

Since the Norwegian siblings better known as Ylvis released their too-catchy hit song "The Fox" to much fanfare earlier this month, many Google-less individuals have been asking themselves, "so what does the fox say?"

Carol Fowler says she was fully prepared to lose the deposits she and her husband Willie put down on a lavish reception for their daughter's abruptly cancelled wedding.

Hello, I have just been listening to Black Midi for the past 10 minutes so you will have to excuse me if my writing is INCOMPREHENSIBLY DENSE AND GLORIOUSLY CRACKED LIKE A GOLDEN TORTOISE'S SHELL THAT HS BEEN DROPPED FROM THE TOP OF A CRAY XC30-AC SUPERCOMPUTER.

Lois Lerner, the IRS official who sparked the IRS Tea Party controversy, has retired. Lerner had been on administrative leave since last May, after she pleaded the Fifth Amendment before a Congressional committee.

A former FBI agent has reached a plea deal with the U.S. government for leaking classified information about a terrorist plot to the Associated Press. Donald John Sachtleben will get three years and seven months in prison for the leak, but that's just the beginning of his legal troubles.

Anti-anti-sexism expert Christina Hoff Sommers has repeatedly warned America that boy-hating educators are forcing children to play namby-pamby things like "Circle of Friends," in lieu of traditional, vigorous games of tag. "Circle of Friends," Amanda Hess discovered, is freeze tag.

Here is a fact: paying people money to give you investment advice is a waste of your money. It will not make you money. DO NOT HIRE INVESTMENT ADVISORS, STOP NOW.

Yesterday, The New Republic published a mammoth profile of Doug Band, Bill Clinton's longtime body man and all-purpose Clintonland gatekeeper, a 40-year-old Floridian-turned-New Yorker with a taste for luxury. Senior writer Alec MacGillis describes how Band, from his toehold as a gofer and coat-holder, shamelessly traded on his access to the former President to amass millions of dollars, an enormous Manhattan apartment, and cushy appointments on corporate boards. The piece documents and perhaps implements the rest of the Clinton family's desire, after all these years, to get him out—presumably before he can damage Hillary Clinton's 2016 presidential prospects.

A University of Florida professor who was arrested for allegedly filming secret upskirt videos of his students claimed he was merely trying to prove they weren't wearing underwear.

Soon your little girl will be a full-grown adult, a worldly woman confronting some very difficult life decisions. Can she have it all? Is there a God? And what prefabricated sexy costume should she wear every Halloween?

After the landmark trial that effectively legalized public masturbation in Sweden, locals have apparently taken to seeing what other penile acts of public lewdness they can get away with.

Two weeks ago The New York Observer, once a scrappy ankle-biter of gentrified Manhattan, published an utterly unaware column by 22-year-old New School grad Polly Mosendz about how she bought a $250,000 Manhattan apartment all by herself (and a parental nest egg of $50,000). The message was: you can do this, too! Mosendz even described herself as “normal.”

It's officially fall again, and that can only mean three things: Everything tastes like pumpkin; monster-themed breakfast cereals are back on the shelves; and no freshly raked pile of leaves is safe from sneak attacks.

Supreme Court opinions are rife with citations to now-dead web pages, including one to what noted SEO hound Antonin Scalia called "the scariest chase I ever saw since 'The French Connection'" [VIDEO]. At least Samuel Alito's About.com citation is still working.

Privilege: you know you have it. But... but why must you feel guilty about it? Is it not a fact that the true monsters are not the privileged people, but the people who make the privileged people feel bad about being privileged? We must defeat Anti-Priv Priv, for the sake of justice!

beard: Ancient arcane term for a gay person's pretend heterosexual partner. Since the legal establishment of gay marriage, refers exclusively to lovingly tended long whiskers worn by urban men working in offices.

While strolling through Manhattan's Upper West Side one warm summer's day, a concerned New Yorker spotted a bike thief casually removing the front tire off a delivery bike that belonged to a local Lenny's location, and then just as casually walking away.