As far as excuses for being late to work go, this one is pretty good.

From the website that brought you Man with Two Fully Functional Penises comes the Man with No Functional Ass Crack.

Last week, Guardian writer Emma Keller took on a cancer sufferer tweeting about her illness. Not content to give her the last word, her husband, former New York Times editor-in-chief Bill Keller is ready to examine the patient. Nurse, pass the twittiest scalpel you've got.

Falling asleep on a plane is easy enough. Falling asleep while in the middle of typing something on your laptop takes considerably more skill, which is why we could all learn something from this expert sleep typing guy.

Robby Burleigh, a 42 year-old Baton Rouge Community College professor of philosophy, biomedical ethics, and logic, is innocent until proven guilty. That said:

Being introduced to the concept of identical twins for the first time must certainly mess with the minds of little children, so you can just imagine what it would be like for a child if the first identical twin they meet is their father's brother.

The top three finishers at the national figure skating championships have always been, barring injury, the skaters named to the US Olympic team. But not this year.

The Golden Globes have come and gone, and this is all you need to catch up—the best, worst, and most awkward jokes, speeches, and moments from the 71st Golden Globe Awards.

Rudy Giuliani finds Chris Christie to be "pretty darn credible" on that whole bridge revenge traffic plot, in case anyone was wondering.

The White House originally instituted a policy that it would respond to every petition that garnered more than 25,000 signatures. After responding to cute requests for Death Stars and the deportation of Piers Morgan, they raised the threshold to 100,000. But today they had to comment on Kimmel.

Colorado's legal marijuana sales surpassed $5 million this week, and most of that figure is almost certainly stacked in cash around Denver, because America's banks aren't accepting any of that dirty drug money.

The cops are looking for him, and now a Philadelphia Magazine writer may have actually tracked down the man who's been exposing himself in front of "a number" of Philadelphia women and asking them to jerk him off with a slice of swiss cheese.

According to E! News, Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's diagnosis is a fact that is fun.

The red carpet at tonight's Golden Globes is going to be extra hilarious. For us, that is, because we won't be trudging over the disgusting sewage-soaked rug soaked you see above. Somewhere an Academy Awards producer is shriveling his nose.

On Saturday the New England Patriots huddled, bowed their heads, and prayed a moment of silence to raucous Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, Massachusetts. A minute to remember Sam Berns, 17, who loved football first and foremost.

Southerners love to kill shit — this is one of the reasons why we must preserve the Second Amendment. If you're a rich Southerner you might also want to kill shit that normal people can't kill: like, for instance, an endangered black rhino.

Women might want to think twice before working for Bill O’Reilly. According to Gabriel Sherman’s new book, The Loudest Voice in the Room, the top Fox News anchor grew so enraged at a female producer after a botched segment in 2003 that, in order to defuse the situation, “a senior Fox executive” intervened and escorted the crying producer out of News Corp’s Midtown headquarters.

Let's watch some porn. In 4K, "Ultra" HD. Where your eyes can affix to every booty goosebump, every spelunking booger, every little smudge of unmentionable matter at every slope and crack of the human anatomy.